I've always worked round my kids so have always "been there" and now ds1 treats me like shite.

[santasweetdreamer]

I've worked p/t these last 8 years, always round dh working and the kids so I've alays been at the school gates, there for them to cook tea, and when I'm not dh is. But it's me 90% of the time for them

And now I don't know if I've done the right thing, ds1(8) speaks to me like I'm rubbish, like he's sick of seeing me.

Maybe putting them into nursery when they were small and i might be earning enough to cover the cost of childcare. I work weekends in a shop and earn £5.45 an hour, I'd like to work during the week but childcare would cost me £6 per hour. I couldn't do 16 hrs in a shop as I childmind as well and I couldn't afford it anyway.

This is all really getting me down, I really resent dh cos he gets to go out to work, meet people who aren't school gates mums(like me) and comes home to a warm house and his tea.

I'd like to swap with him.

[santasweetdreamer]

feel like I'm at a dead end and I'm only 40.

[tribpot]

The worst thing about making these sacrifices is that the people who benefit (your children) won't really appreciate it for decades, until they have children of their own.

In the meantime, I think all you can do is hang on to the knowledge that you have done absolutely the best thing for your family, and you deserve a medal.

Unfortunately 8 year olds are rehearsing their moves for being teenagers, they can't help it - but they are. Don't let it make you feel like you have done the wrong thing, though.

[Thinkstoomuch]

Have you talked to your dh about making some changes to the set up? Is there an evening course you could do to get trained up for something and give you a focus?

Tribpot is right - kids don't appreciate what their parents do for them because it's just what they're used to. Mine's a lot younger so I've got no experience, but is it possible to explain to your ds that when he talks to you like that he's actually hurting your feelings? I don't think children even realise that they can have an impact on adults.

[persephonesnape]

i really feel for you. I have three and I'm a single parent working full time, so we've all missed out on the school gates stuff. when i was with my partner & the kids were much much smaller, i had one day off a week and I'd make sure the kids got my devoted attention, made sure the house was perfect for him coming home - te aon teh table etc. i really tried and it wasn't enough ( particularly as on his day off I'd get home form work and the place would be a pigsty!)

the only advice i can give is to talk to your ds. 8 is old enough to be told that he's hurting mummys feelings because she loves him so much and doesn't like it when he does x y & z, even though you love him very much you don't like his behaviour on occasion. maybe he can tell you what's bothering him and causing him to act in this way.

please don't have mummy-guilt. theres always plenty of people wanting to spout off about whether it's better to work or not work or be at the school gate or not. you're doing the best that you can - thats the important thing.

how about college/evening class? do something you enjoy, meet some grown ups and let dh do some childcare.?

[santasweetdreamer]

thanks for the heartening comments!

my kids are like me, they're grumpy when they're tired, but last night with them, esp. the 8 yr old was too much. he got sent to bed with no story, his brother then played up and wouldn't go to sleep, I felt like jumping in the car and driving off. Dh was working.

I think the thing about evening courses is a really good idea. It would give me something else to think about,away from the kids! I've got no idea what to study though, I feel if someone asks me what I'd like to to in the future I'd say "get out the house, meet some adults and earn more than £5.45 an hour". It's hardly inspiring is it?!?

I wonder if I could speak to a career advisor who undersatnds my position, not an 18 yr old who'd not get it.

[SecondhandRose]

SSD, you are in charge of your DS, clamp down very quickly on him before he gets any older. I would suggest straight upstairs when he is rude and take away what he holds most dear - Playstation, Nintendo,computer? They are called electrical bans in our house. They don't often include the TV as his sister wants to watch and I cant stop her but it does mean he has to watch what she is watching.

Change the clocks by 30 mins so you can get them in bed earlier, they don't need to know and don't let them play on the electrical stuff 1 hour before bed otherwise they can't settle.

Make sure he knows you love him with lots of cuddles and kisses and that you'll always love him but sometimes you don't like him very much and his rude behaviour makes you sad.

[santasweetdreamer]

good advise rose!

we turn the tv off at 7pm here, then it's games like ludo/chess/draughts to 7.30pm then up for showers and bed. He hardly ever plays his ps2, his wee brother is more interested in it now.

he was tired last night as he was out at football practise the night before till 8.30 so was in bed later, but still gets up at 7.30.

my kids are grumpy and moody when tired and /or hungry and so am I!

we do have lots of chats, well I try but last night he was having none of it.

I just find him hard going just now.

[ParanoidSurreyHousewife]

WHat about food - both timings and content. Ds1 recently went through a growth spurt (which of course you only know after the event!), but I ended up giving him 2 eveing meals - on at 4 and the other at 6. Agree with moving forward bedtime by whatever measn possible.

[PortAndLemonaid]

In Raising Boys Steve Biddulph (who I don't agree with 100%, but has some good ideas) reckons that many boys will go through a stage a bit like that (if he's right, it's not anything to do with what you did but because at this developmental stage he's exploring his own masculinity and rejecting the female, to an extent(actually, even if he's not right, I very much doubt it's bcause you were there too much for them when they were little)), and that that is the point where it helps for the father (or other strong male role model if there isn't a father in the picture) needs to step in and insist that the son treats his mother with respect (and model for him that part of being a man is treating women respectfully).

On a more practical level, some very good points already made here.