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my DH was bullied because of his bizarre surname - should we do something about this for DS?

71 replies

sunnysideup · 30/11/2006 11:06

Ok, I'd love your wise thoughts on this....DH (and thus me and DS) has a bizarre surname. He's always told me about how he was bullied at school and i've kind of gone "yes, dear oh you poor thing etc etc" but now ds is at school I asked DH was he specifically bullied about his name, and he says yes.

I then suggested we use mine or double-barrel our names and DH said it wasn't worth it as people will always find something to bully about!!! Wtf? My view is, lets not give them anything to start with at least!

The thing with ds is that he isn't an obvious target for bullying - he's pretty assertive, no physical differences for people to pick on, he doesn't appear to be top or bottom of the class; so it's just his name I worry about.

Obviously if we double-barrel our surnames the bizarre one is still there but I feel is a bit diluted.

I wish now i'd stuck to my feminist principles and refused to take the name in the first place! What do you think, what would you do?

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Enid · 30/11/2006 11:07

I think you have to tell us what it is tbh

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Miaou · 30/11/2006 11:08

I'd tend to agree with your dh, particularly if your ds is a fairly assertive type. Also, changing his surname at this stage in his life is a big change I would think.

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bluejelly · 30/11/2006 11:08

Kids will find a reason to bully whatever name, appearance, ability
I have a really odd surname but was bullied for other reasons!
I am now proud of my name ( and have been for some time)
Stick with it I say

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Saturn74 · 30/11/2006 11:09

Sort of depends what the name is, I suppose!

I think I'd leave it - it's his surname and nothing to be ashamed of.

I suppose we can't protect our children from everything, even though we might like to!

He sounds like he'll be fine.

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Piffle · 30/11/2006 11:09

I know lots of people who have changed
Cockburn to Coburn Cockroft to Co - Kroft
the first part of my surname rhymes with fuck, so I have plenty of experience
Is there an easy way you can abridge it maybe just for school.

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saadia · 30/11/2006 11:09

yes, in what way is it bizarre? difficult to pronounce, sounds like a rude word, has a funny meaning. FWIW I don't remember anyone at school ever really noticing other kids' surnames.

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Zofloyya · 30/11/2006 11:12

I have a very bizarre surname. I was mildly teased about it at school. I was bullied about things like being geeky, spotty, speccy etc. Changing my surname would have done nothing to help! I think it's rare for children to actually be bullied ABOUT their names, though of course if they're being bullied about something else, name-calling might come into it.

Which is all a long-winded way of saying I wouldn't worry about it if I were you.

Btw, I have chosen very firmly as an adult to keep my strange name and pass it on to my kids. I'm very fond of it.

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WigWamBam · 30/11/2006 11:14

My surname wasn't particularly bizarre but I was badly bullied for it all the way through school anyway - in my case, though, it was more the fact that I was shy, an easy target, and responded to the bullying that meant I was bullied, rather than just my name. If I had been assertive, as you say your son is, I really think that they would have left me alone and moved on to someone else.

If he's confident and assertive enough then it probably won't be a problem.

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MrsSpoon · 30/11/2006 11:16

Hmmm, we have a silly surname, only members of DH's family have this name, my DSs are two of about 12 in the entire country with the same name, it does have the potential for silly name calling (and my FIL had the cheek to suggest that DS1's first name could be a cause for bullying because it could rhyme with 'queer' ), DH was called names at School because of it.

TBH DH and I seriously considered taking a neutral name when we married as neither of us was fussed on his name (plus a bit complex but my DH is adopted so this technically isn't his name anyway) and we thought it would have put the PILs noses out of joint to take my name. Decided this would cause more hassle and fuss than anything else but now that we have had the DSs I kind of wish we had just done it. We would have picked something very similar to PILs name, just a more normal name IYKWIM.

I suppose what I am saying is that my DSs are 7 and 4 now and I feel too late to go changing their surname now.

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frogs · 30/11/2006 11:17

My children have dh's unusual surname, and have had mild teasing about it, but no more than dd1 has had about wearing glasses. So no, I wouldn't fret about it, especially if your ds is a resilient type. Presumably your dh will be able to set him up with a range of appropriate responses, "Oh ha ha, gosh I'm falling about laughing -- NOT" seems to work quite well for my dc's.

Also, unless you live in a very remote rural area, there seem to be so many more foreign and unusual names around both first names and surnames that it's much less of an issue. And they don't really use surnames that much at school anyway.

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sunnysideup · 30/11/2006 11:18

thanks - interesting that those of you with odd surnames are more or less happy with them and don't mind passing them on!

I'm not gonna tell you what ours is because I'm a tease like that

what I will say is that when I met ds he was a long haired rocker type and I thought he'd made up his surname as a stage name!!!! I said "oh, are you in a band?" when he told me it!!!

I guess ds might even think it's quite cool when he's a teenager...hmmmmmmmm.

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Plibble · 30/11/2006 11:18

I think your DH has a point. If anyone wants to tease your DS, then they will, unfortunately, find something to tease about. On the other hand, I knew a chap called Meredith and noone would ever tease him as he was so astonishingly cool, so it can work both ways.

My sister's last name is hilarious, and she is going to teach her kids to say "yes it is funny, isn't it?" and take away the bullies' ammunition.

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choosyfloosy · 30/11/2006 11:22

did they use surnames a lot at your dh's school? Do boys still do this (flippin eck TUCKER) or is it a bit more firstnamey these days?

no idea.

i think it depends a little bit on how your ds is introduced to the school. if he is a late starter in a class or something so all the class hear the name as the first thing they know about him and as an 'outsider' joining in, that could be bad. but otherwise, it may just be 'his name' IYSWIM.

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lemonaid · 30/11/2006 11:23

If it were... umm... Wankyarse or Boobwrangler or something like that, then I can see the argument for changing it. Otherwise I'm with your DH. (and I don't think double-barrelling Wankyarse-Smith would actually dilute it much)

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Bugsy2 · 30/11/2006 11:25

I was teased mercilessly all the way through school because of my bizare first name & surname. TBH, although it was annoying & relentless - I got very good at dealing with it and think that in some way it helped me deal with more painful teasing as I got older.

Just so you have an idea of my degree of teasing - I used to be called "Fanny Shit" - amongst many others. After a while it really does become water of a ducks back SSup.

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lorina · 30/11/2006 11:29

When I got engaged to Dh everyone said "oh no Lorina how terrible, you are going to be Mrs. Awful-name".
To be honest I was so in love I didnt care ,or even think it was that awful.

You can be bullied for any reason. I think its quite important to be true to yourself and stand up to bullies. Dont change to suit them or they win.

Btw Dh is proud of our name!

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sunnysideup · 30/11/2006 11:34

thanks everyone, it is really enlightening hearing your experiences and views.

Lemonaid, I am gutted that you have 'outed' us on mn, DH's name is indeed boobwrangler.

So you don't think that my nice name, wankyarse, would sound ok double-barrelled? I thought Tarquin Wankyarse-Boobwrangler had a nice ring to it....

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Missybaby · 30/11/2006 11:40

my god, i'm just dying to know what all your surnames are!!

i have a fairly normal surname and christian name and kids still managed to rhyme it somehow to use it try and wind me up. i wouldn't worry too much about it, just teach your dc's to come back with a nonchalant remark (that's what i did and it worked!).

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sunnysideup · 30/11/2006 11:44

thanks all, I am starting to see it from another point of view,ie why should people be intimidated into changing the things about them which are different..it's a slippery slope isn't it.

I just want to protect ds of course....but he has shown no signs yet of any concerns and is certainly assertive and is a bit of a 'leader', wants to do his own thing and not concerned much with what others think. I hope he carries on that way as he gets older, he's only 4!

thanks for all the responses.

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calebsmum · 30/11/2006 15:54

My ex fiances surname was hogsflesh, if his current fiance double barrels their surnames she will be Mrs Devine-Hogsflesh

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 30/11/2006 16:02

When someone felt the need to be nasty to me at school they would 'play' on my surname. eg coldcow, cowc*ntflaps and so on and so on....

There are far more unusual surnames these days I think. I agree that if you are going to be picked on, they will pick on anything - whether its your surname, you have glasses, you are ginger, you are short you are tall you are big you are small etc etc.

The fact that all they had to pick on was my surname was a bonus, I suppose.

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Smurfgirl · 30/11/2006 16:02

I was teased for my surname until I was 16, hated it, but it has not runied my life, in saying this I will be happy that my children will have a more normal surname.

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Marina · 30/11/2006 16:05

I felt pretty sorry for a girl at school whose surname was Bumstead, tbh

I wonder if there are any Higginbothams lurking on here...

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Pruni · 30/11/2006 16:23

Message withdrawn

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WonderCod · 30/11/2006 16:24

Mum knows a hoare who changed

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