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Fed up today...wanted to be a good and happy SAHM

52 replies

jay9 · 30/11/2006 09:23

Need to get a few things out of my system. Does anyone else get very fed up about the treadmill - the relentlessness of feeding, trying to get LO to sleep, and so on. It never stops. I used to think I had a demanding job but at least I could go home at night and do nothing and switch off. At the weekend my DH said he'd look after LO (17 week old DD)for an hour if I wanted to go round the shops on my own for a bit. I cried with the relief of having an hour to myself without having to think about her - much as I love her. My husband works long hours and many nights isn't able to get home in time to help bath her and put her to bed and even when he does I end up helping him when to be honest I'd rather sit on the settee for 20 mins for a change. Sometimes the days go on for ever. My DD is pretty good at night now but is very difficult to get to sleep during the day even though she's clearly tired and cries about it I can't seem to find any reliable way of getting her to sleep and stay asleep. Am now resorting to putting her in her cot in the dark and letting her cry for a bit (not long to be honest - 5 mins at the most before I go in and try again). Mixed success but it's hideous when she loses it and goes purple with crying. I know everyone says that I should be grateful she sleeps at night but 12 hours of on and off trying to get her to sleep in the day is pretty much the most demoralising and frustrating thing I've ever had to do.

I spend most of the days on my own as we recently moved into the area. I do meet up with some other mums a couple of times a week and I go shopping and travel to see friends etc which often are the only things that keep me going. I would like to be happy and content at home though.

I really wanted to be a good and happy SAHM but so far I'm thoroughly disappointed with myself. I have very little patience and much of the time I would hardly say I'm enjoying the whole experience...I feel so guilty thinking and saying that........

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ssd · 30/11/2006 09:29

jay, you would ne surprised how many of us feel exactly like that!

sympathies and hugs, ssd x x x

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Nemoinapeartree · 30/11/2006 09:34

Jay I feel like this quite often. I have a 3yr old, 11mth old and am 8mths pg and there are some days when I absolutely loathe the fact I have to get up and be with small children all day again...I dont know many other people in my area[despite living here for 4yrs] especially people with children as I worked full time before having DS. It is always a lot harder when they are small babies as at least I can have some semblence of conversation with DS [although sometimes I do wish I hadnt bothered..lol]

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bloss · 30/11/2006 09:37

Message withdrawn

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tribpot · 30/11/2006 09:40

Okay. The first point to note is, you are doing the hardest job in the world. I don't care about that survey that said a London cabbie had the most stressful job: this is it. And you are doing a great job - dd is well, happy, thriving, these are real achievements.

I remember so well the first weeks and months of being an endless cycle of feeding / trying to get to sleep / slumping exhausted after finally getting ds to sleep / repeat as necessary. It was GODAWFUL. And I had my dh to help me all day every day, it was still just appalling. So hats off to you, lady - you're a hero.

Now, some practical thoughts:

  • often we found a good way of getting ds to sleep and then three weeks later he would change his mind and we'd have to relearn the whole process, it was incredibly frustrating. People think new babies are easy because they sleep all the time, but the truth is rather different. If you haven't read it, I'd recommend the No Cry Sleep Solution. I wouldn't leave such a small baby to cry. She may be overtired, how often are you putting her down for a nap?
  • when your dh is home, you must sit on the sofa. It's not selfish, it's not wrong. He needs to learn how to look after dd or you will never be able to leave her with him, which will be a lost opportunity for both of them
  • it's also not selfish or wrong to be pleased to have a break from dd, I would go mental if I didn't get some time away from ds.
  • can your dh look again at his hours? Does he realise how incredibly draining this is for you? I know it is practically heresy on MN to suggest that a hard-working dh might be deliberately working more hours than needed, but I know from my pre-baby days, it was often just expected that you would work ridiculous hours even if it wasn't really necessary. Could he bring some work home to do in the evening in order to leave earlier?


As you're calling yourself a SAHM I assume you're not planning to go back to work. You may find when dd is older that actually going back to work, whether part-time or full, suits you better. It's about finding the right combination of work and home for your family - and that includes you!

Keep posting - we'll be able to give you lots of good tips on getting dd to sleep without leaving her to cry.
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jay9 · 30/11/2006 09:58

great to hear lots of people feel the same. As for daytime sleeping. She's tired twice between feeds but can only sleep for a max of 45 mins. So she wants to sleep soon after feeding and then agian about an hour before the next one (she's a least 4 hours between feeds now). Whether she actually sleeps is another matter as she will fight and fight it so that it's not worth it as it's nearly time to feed her again sometimes. I've tried everything....car and a walk in the pram will usually work but she wakes up the minute I stop. I'm trying to get her into a routine of knowing that when she goes in the cot it's time to sleep as she's always responded well to that at night. So for at least one sleep during the day (usually after her lunch) I'll attempt to do that...mixed success and never more than 45 mins (but I can live with that as long as she does sleep for 45 mins!).

If I have to go back to work to be happy I'll be so disappointed and devastated. I want to want to be at home with children. i might consider some working at home/for myself instead but not for a few months yet.

When do babies not need as much sleep in the day (hopefully 18 weeks!!!!)

jay9

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sunnysideup · 30/11/2006 10:54

my ds is 4 now so I'll let others with better memories or more recent experience tackle the sleep bit for you (though I do remember hearing that apparently sleep does go in 45 minute cycles, in other words you will come in to light sleep after 45 mins; it may be that as dd gets a bit older she may learn to re-settle herself for a longer nap....is it possible you could leave her for 5 mins or so when she stirs after 45 mins to see if she will go back to sleep?)

But the main things I wanted to say:

Yes, you are a SAHM but that does not mean your DH can't be more involved. DON'T allow yourself to 'help' him if he's bathing her or whatever; it is HEALTHY for you AND DD to have a break from eachother and for her to receive some of her care from her dad. Getting really involved in the day to day care is really bonding for dads and babies so you are doing them a disservice if you are always there, sticking your oar in - butt out girl, in the nicest possible way!

Take your hour or two off at weekends and remember that every other mother on the face of the earth is glad for a break from their baby!

I do remember how hard it is to let DH do it sometimes, if it results in more crying from the baby but believe me, they will muddle along and it will be fine. Take every chance you have for time off.

And I agree with Tribpot, it is worth thinking about DH's hours. Even if it was only one or two nights a week he was able to bath her, at least if you knew this was a regular thing you could rely on it and get regular 'time off', it is so important.

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jay9 · 30/11/2006 11:00

To be fair roughly 3 nights out of 5 he's able to get home in time and I will ask if he'll do it on his own - he seems to want my help(for confidence?) but I'll double check that as i know he's more than capable. Also I think he sees the weekends as family time for us all to spend it together. Now don't get me wrong it's a massive help when there's two of us but it's not really a break - I'm still thinking about her all the time. Am looking forward to having my hair cut on saturday - I'll be on my own!!!

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sunnysideup · 30/11/2006 11:11

jay, it probably is for confidence that he wants you there but he will gain confidence much faster on his own actually.

And yes I agree weekends are family time but to be honest when you have a baby this young it is important to acknowledge that you need time off 'duty'; family time at weekends is a lot easier when you have kids who can entertain themselves for chunks of time, so don't put this pressure on yourselves yet; what DH and I did was that I had Saturday morning off basically. I did go out as it is too hard if you are in the house.

Dh's are brilliant for taking little ones swimming, the pool at the weekends is 90% full of dads and children so that's always something you could consider as time goes on.

Make sure you get some time!

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Jackie2kids · 30/11/2006 13:00

Very few people find caring for small children easy especially babies, those that do are probably lying. It really is a labour of love. It gets easier with toddlers as at least you can play more and chat to them (but harder in other ways), in some ways its easier with 2 as some variety and they can entertain each other to an extent(but more to do). I try to do somethings that I want to do (with baby) like go for walks, swimming, baby groups, coffee shops, shopping, meet with friends most days. Definately have some time to yourself daily (even just a bath) good for you and good for dad and babies relationship. If you have extended family near get them to have baby and go out yourself. Trying to do it all is like working 12hr days, 7days a week with no holidays and being on call at night. You will self combust !

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happypiglet · 30/11/2006 13:42

Hi Jay I remember feeling just like this with DS1. he was a nightmare to get to sleep in the day. He would only go off if he was in the car and so I used to do endless pointless trips to Sainsbury's. I finally 'got tough' on him when I started weaning him. As his feeds were more structured (I was feeding on demand before and wasn't prepared to provide baby rice on demand!) so his day got a bit more structured too. He was 5 and a bit months (whats that in weeks!).
I started by following a struture I had read somewhere that made sense for us. I basically put him down after his lunch (which he had about 11.45am). to start with i had to push him in his buggy in the garden (it was summer but layers work) until he went to sleep and go out an repeat it when he stirred. Gradually he got used to the idea and I stopped the rocking and he did it on his own. And them I moved him inside to his cot and it worked!! I was gobsmacked. He has gone on to sleep well for about 2 hours a day at lunchtime ever since.
But I did leave him to cry a bit as he was SO much happier with the sleep than without.
The baby days are hard. Its unrewarding and quite often dull. Although toddlers are hard work in a different way a whole new social life opens out. Even going to a toddler group where you know no one and just sit in a tired daze is better than doing it at home alone! And eventaully you do get to know people.
I am a SAHM to 2 boys (the second slept well from birth) and am pg with no3 and I have good and bad days. Its like any job you may hate some of it and love some of it but its a job (only you can't give it up if you win the lottery).

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dueat44 · 30/11/2006 13:48

For what it's worth, my DS would not sleep in any cot, buggy, bassinet, etc. Eventually, I started going down for a nap with him, holding him in the crook of my arm and arching around him so I wouldn't roll over. He went out like a light, and so did I. Worth a try?

At about 3 m he did start to go down on his own. He seemed to have grown into his world a bit and forgotten his anxieties. He was an excellent sleeper from then on, and has never woken in the night unless ill.

So there is light at the end of the tunnel

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babyox · 30/11/2006 14:06

Jay9

This all sounds very familar..though without the 12 hours at night! Ds is 20 weeks and only just getting better with napping...just put him down now for his 9am (I'm in nyc) and he went off like a dream. Until a week or so ago every day was a struggle as he also fought sleep. Somedays I'd be trying everything...swaddle, pram, rocking, BF to calm him...one awful day he wouldn't nap from 7am til 7pm...not for want of my trying and we were both miserable. My Dh also works long hours and by the 6pm bathtime/ feed I'd be going loopy..still do go loopy tbh....but his napping has got better.
I think around this age babies often do turn a corner. We started him on solids which has also helped. I do try and put him down in his cot for naps as often as I can...still swaddled and with a dummy (i know but it works). One lunchtime he went for 1 1/2 hrs a miracle...most of the time he was 40 mins also. She whose name we cannot mention reccomends to keep them in their cot after they awake from their 40 min slumber and allow them to fall into the next 40 mins...sometimes this works ...sometimes not but worth a try..leaving your DD but returning every few minutes to reassure your DD you are still there.
It is hard I know. i am in another country away from friends and family and often very cut off but i tell myself he will only be this small for a short period and once he is a bit bigger I will get some sort of life back. I loved my job and my independence but i know this is not for ever and even when it's tough I try to treasure the good moments!! I think once DD naps better you too will feel better and like you can plan your day and do more things. i hope this helps

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Rookiemum · 30/11/2006 14:10

The first weeks are tough particularly if you have come from a challenging job where you enjoyed your switch off time.

I would focus on meeting lots more mums & babies that will make the time go much faster because your baby will be happier with distractions to keep her amused.
Join an NCT coffee group, mothers & toddlers, join a baby massage/music/sing & sign class, go to the bounce & tickle classes at the library. Perhaps there is a local gym that has a creche where you could put her in for an hour when you go for a swim or something like that.

Whatever you do don't feel guilty, its hideous isn't it I spent most of my working life thinking ooh it would be nice to be off with a little cooing baby and the reality is it can be pretty boring because you don't get much in the way of positive feedback. However the situation is what it is and worrying about it or feeling dissapointed isn't going to change it, also its a crap time of year for being a SAHM much more fun in the good weather.


Enjoy your haircut.

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MonkeyBabyMum · 30/11/2006 14:15

I can completly understand where your coming from, my dd is 15 weeks and sometimes I find it really hard work too, not much advice to give but just try and remember how lucky you are to be able to stay at home with your dd, I've got to go back to work full time at the end of January as we cant afford for me not to. I actually don't know how I'm going to cope and would give anything to be able to be a SAHM, it might be hard and boring sometimes but you really truly are lucky to be able to be with your dd all the time.

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aderyn · 30/11/2006 14:18

QUOTE "I know everyone says that I should be grateful she sleeps at night but 12 hours of on and off trying to get her to sleep in the day is pretty much the most demoralising and frustrating thing I've ever had to do."

You have my sympathy. My DD2 slept well at night but would only have 20 minute cat naps during the day until she was 8 months old. IMO it is much harder to deal with no daytime break day after day, than it is to deal with interrupted night-time sleep.

I hope things improve for you. I know another few months sounds like a long time but once babies get over 6 months old, they become a little more interactive and active and then hopefully the daytime sleep will improve. Keep persevering.

Is your DH home every weekend? Make sure you plan something every weekend. Either as a family or a couple or by yourself. It helps the week to pass if you can look forward to something on the weekend.

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mcnoodle · 30/11/2006 14:27

Jay9

I think the most important things have been said. You are doing an incredibly difficult, stressful and demanding job, brilliantly well. The first few weeks/months are, for some of us, shockingly awful. There are no books, classes or advice that can prepare you for the reality of caring for a newborn. Please don't be disappointed in yourself, it is ok not to enjoy it!

My DS was a nightmare about sleeping in the day. DH works long hours and I felt like a single parent during the week. The only things that kept me together (and I mean that very loosely) were seeing friends and taking some time for myself each week.

In terms of sleep, I'm pretty sure that DS picked up on my frustration and stress whilst I was so obsessed with getting him to sleep. What helped was to adopt an approach that I felt I could be consistent about. For me, it was putting him in his cot (because I was too exhausted to push/drive him around much of the time) and going in every 2-3 mins until he fell asleep. It was hard, but if after 20 mins of trying he was not asleep, I got him up and did something else. Having that time frame stopped me spending all my time in a darkened room going slowly mad.

All babies are different and you need to find a method that you can see through. Consistency is the key.

Good luck.

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Sprogstersmum · 30/11/2006 14:34

No helpful advice on the daytime sleeping I'm afraid (I let DD sleep in my arms for all her naps till she was 9 months ? in retrospect a stupid idea! but it was the only way she'd sleep during the day) but total sympathy - it's definitely much harder when they're small babies but it gets so much easier and I found you start to settle into life as a SAHM after a while. I felt the same - I still feel guilty for enjoying time away from DD (she's 17 months now) and I don't have much time away and like you, DP works quite late and we do bathtime together if he's in. We are thinking of having another and I must admit I don't really relish the thought of those first few months!

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WhenSantaWentQuietlyMad · 30/11/2006 14:35

Don't feel bad for feeling like this iyswim. The first few months are really hard.

One day you will wake up and realise that it isn't as hard any more, and you won't remember when exactly it started getting easier, it is just gradual.

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CorrieDale · 30/11/2006 14:41

What helped with naps for me was working out when DS actually needed them. He still had to be walked or driven to sleep, but at least we didn't have the utter frustration of wheeling him around in his pram while he looked up at the clouds adn the trees in teh birds in the sky! The Baby Whisperer was good for that, I found. (Though pretty useless for breastfeeding so ignore all references thereto!)

This is the worst bit - it does get better. I got DS into classes ASAP. Playgroup, baby massage (that was brill BTW - ask your HV about classes!), storytime at the library. Anything and everything! Good for you and nice for baby, too!

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thirtysomething · 30/11/2006 14:44

I so felt like this with my ds (now 8) when he was a baby. Had just given up work to be a SAHM and we lived in a city with hardly any baby groups etc and I hadn't been in an antenatal group as they only did them from 32 weeks pregnant and I was on bed-rest by then (ended up having him at 35 weeks due to pre-eclampsia)

I used to feel how you are describing, day in, day out. It was soul-destroying and I always wanted a break from him yet couldn't function without him!
My best advice is to stop worrying about day-time sleep - put her in the pram well-wrapped up at a set time in the afternoon and just walk with her. Do shome shopping or just walk to the park, Put some music on your ears if you like. She will eventually nod off and you will be having contact with the outside world and getting some exercise. It'll break up your day and stop you focussing on getting her off to sleep. It all getsd so much easier when they are old enough to go to baby gym etc as your week suddenly gets structure and you start meeting loads of other Mums.

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shhhh · 30/11/2006 15:25

Awww sorry to hear how you feel..
I'm also a sahm and yup many times I think its harder than working IMO. BUT like all jobs there are up and down days, today is just a down day thats all....

Your lo is still very young and I remember those days BUT it does get easier. Like you my dh works long hours so mostly during the week I am a single mum as from the moment dd wakes till she goes to bed I do it all myself. DD is 18 months and I am due to do it all again soon as Im 31 weeks pregnant. Something inside me makes me thinks 2well it can;t be that bad ".
BUT when dh is home before dd's bedtime he takes over and he does get up with me during the night..its shared responsability once he's around. He's also more than willing to do "my role" with dd over the weekend which gives me a break.

I don't know what to suggest as like me you do get out and about..I just think things are trying for your atm. I agree with others that when your dh is about try and rely on him a bit more..I know I used to offer to help dh (I still do now) but he always turned me down..he wanted to learn things as well. I just try and advise him and show him what works for me during the week.BUT we also believe weekends are for us as a family and although I get the chance to go off alone etc I don't often do it..I feel lost!! So instead we tend to do things togther..It helps the burden (Iykwim) and its easier with 4 hands than 2..!!!

I would try and get into a routine asap so during the afternoon your dd knows thats its nap time. My dd always goes down around 2 ish for about 2 hours. Sure not always possible if we are out BUT I try and plan my days so we are home around that time. The room is pitch black and everything is done in the same way as it is at night time. Have you tried a mobile thingy to send her off to sleep..? We use a playskool one and dd even turns it one herslef if I forget etc. Its like she knows it sends her off. I think if you are consistant and keep to a routine as much as possible then it may help your dd.

BTW you sound like you are doing your best and your dd otherwise is a happy baby. Remember all babies are different and you need to chill. The more stressed you get the more your dd will pick up on this.

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thebecster · 30/11/2006 16:01

I'm back at work now, but I remember feeling exactly as you are now. My DS doesn't nap for more than 20 mins in the day AND doesn't sleep at night. I would have gone insane if I hadn't had help

  • my Mum came down once every two weeks and looked after DS while I had some time - I just had a bath, read a magazine, walked in the park...
  • I had a post-birth doula (expensive but totally worth it). In the first few weeks she came every day, but by the time DS was 4 months she just came once a week for 4 hours. Again, she'd sit with DS while I had a little headspace, or she'd do all the jobs that I didn't have time for so I could concentrate on being with my little boy without feeling pulled in every direction


I would have left DS with DH more as people are suggesting for you but I was really worried about DH. He's much better now, but he was suffering really badly with stress & exhaustion back then and when DS cried he didn't cope. So I threw money at the problem instead! Money well spent IMO though!
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maewest · 30/11/2006 20:30

Hi Jay9, my DS is the same age as yours (also my first) and I'm not planning on going back to work anytime soon, so guess I'm a SAHM at the moment. I can totally relate to the stress about daytime sleeping, although good at night. DS will get himself into a state where he whinges and whinges until he howls, usually I strap him in the buggy before he gets to this point and just pound the streets until he sleeps.

I love being with my boy, but sometimes when he's weed on me or puked on the crotch of my jeans for the umpteenth time, I do grit my teeth and swear occasionally and can't wait for a bit of time ALONE . I deal with things by going out everyday, even if it's just a walk in the park, check out all the groups and try them all. You won't like all the people, but you will find people to chat to in a similar situation, and may end up meeting some good friends, takes time tho. I reason that when I was working full time I was out of the house every day, so why stay in the house all the time because I have a baby. It would just make me feel like I had to do some housework!

Also check out the postnatal threads on here for July or August mums. I'm on the July one (DS born on 31st). Take care, hope things improve for you xx

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maewest · 30/11/2006 20:31

oh, and I realise that you have a DD not a DS!

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elliemae · 01/12/2006 07:38

sympathize have been there myself!

just have a look on the special needs thread and it will remind you how lucky you are to have such a perfect dd ! things could be alot worse

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