DH anxious over dd..ADVICE please

[shhhh]

DD is 18 months old and has never given us reason to worry for be concerned over her health BUT I think we are over cautious parents iykwim.
I think having x2 mc's before dd made us like this.

Thing is I am not on the verge of being obsessed but dh is. He can't sleep properly at night and is averaging around 3-5 hours a night. He goes to bed and lies aware then sleeps then wakes over panic about dd. If she dare breath loudly or cough or moan in her sleep he's in there like a flash..It does worry me slightly. Maybe because i'm with dd 24/7 I am slightly more relaxed BUT dd is constantly checking on her and worrying.

What can I do..? Our ds2b is due in Jan and I am worried about how he will be then with 2 to worry about. He says he isn't stressed over work etc BUT can't cope with worry over dd..HELP..

I get annoyed but this is pointless as tbh its not his fault iykwim. I am worried that this will break him

Tonight I have instructed him to sleep in the spare room where hopefully he will be out of the way and won't hear dd, maybe it will work.?? Suggestions. xx

[CAMisole]

Hi shhh, has your dh expressed what is actually concerned about, I wonder whether he needs to name what the fear he has is specifically so that he can be reassured?

[fairyjay]

I know that many people will think that this is 'over the top', but we had a monitor which the baby slept on, that beeped as they breathed. It was really comforting to wake up, and just hear the gentle beeping, so you knew they were OK, and drifted off to sleep again.

Mind you, it did give us a couple of scares when the baby moved off the pad, and set off the alarm.

Thinking about it though, this might be helpful with your new baby, but your little girl would be too wriggly to stay on the pad now anyway!

[terramum]

Maybe you could co-sleep with your DD - that way your DH can be close to her & can cuddle her without having to get out of bed.

[Pruni]

Message withdrawn

[ratclare]

is dd sleeping in your room ? or do you have doors open so that you can hear her ? it is highly unlikely that at 18months she is going to be a victim of cot death , why does he think she is going to die ? because it sounds like this is his unvoiced fear? ask him, once he has vocalised his fears he might realise that they are mostly unfounded

[terramum]

It is unlikely ratclare but not unheard of...a friend of a friends 19 month old died this year from SIDS

I agree with you though that it might be a good idea to get the root of the worry - it does seem a little excessive.

[shhhh]

Thanks for the replies. Well dd sleeps in her own room and has done since she was around 12 months old so I guess it was quite late. BUT we both wanted to move her to her own room as we found we were waking/disturbing her when coming to bed and dh getting up for work etc.

She has no reason for us to worry about her health and is a happy, healthy, content toddler.We do have the angel care monitor (monitors breathing)and it has been used from day 1 till around 2 weeks ago when I progress to the usual monitor so that ds2b can use the angel care one from jan. We just thought dd was now old enough to be fine with the usual type one. She sleeps with her door closed BUT we hear her very well on the monitor and we check on her many many times during the night (well dh does extra ones) YET we know of friends who don't even do this..shut both doors and have no monitor..They think we are OTT.

Now we would love to co sleep and in fact have managed it once a few weeks ago when she was ill and could only manage 20 mins sleep at a time. Seemed the comfort from us allowed er to sleep for a few hours at least. We loved it BUT usually dd is such an active, wriggily baby that we know for a fact within 2 mins of us all being in bed she would be up and about iykwim. I also worry she would wake and be off.!!
Yeah we could have her back with us but its the issue of waking her and esp when ds2b arrives.

PRUNI, I think you have got to the bottom of this...He worries something bad will happen to her and I have today told him he needs to speak to a counsellor as I think he's depressed. I think this then leads to his concerns. I know I have times when I worry about similar things but they come and go as I;m sure they do with others BUT with dh its there 24/7.
I don;'t think he will seek help though as he's a typical man. .
What next..? Tonight I have run him a lavender bath and made a drink of horlicks in the hope it may relax him..maybe he will sleep a little better..?

[PetitFilou1]

Shhhh I agree with Pruni, he needs to see a counsellor. To be worried about your children is normal but to be this worried when your dd is this old is not, particularly when it is affecting his sleep so badly. Cognitive behavourial therapy might help - I'm having some at the moment and it is just about changing the way you think about things - I have anxiety problems myself and it is helping. I think you are right to be concerned about how he will cope with the birth of no2 plus I am wondering how YOU will cope as you will then be worrying about all three of them and the jump from 1-2 children is not a small one! I wonder - can men suffer from PND? It is perfectly possible I suppose. Maybe talk to your own GP about your concerns and see what they say.

[PetitFilou1]

I just googled PND in men and there are quite a few links for example:
link{http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/ask_the_doctor/pndmen.shtml

[PetitFilou1]

Sorry, don't think that worked, but there are plenty of links if you look. Good luck, must be hard.

[kickassangel]

dh was like this with dd when she was very young - i used to wake up with him checking her breathing. he was exhausted. in the end i banished him to the spare room for about 3 months until he'd adjusted. i think it's one of the ways that men can react when faced with the reality of parenthood. i know another dad who had nightmares for the first time in his life.
your dh does sound quite extreme, mine 'grew out of it' once dd was in another room. try the spare room for a while, then gradual re-introduction. if there are other issues, certainly seek some help. do you have a good hv? mine was very willing to listen & give advice.

[hettie]

You sound liek a lovely family and its great that you have ackowledged this.
Anxiety is a conditon in and of itself (like depression and you can have it without being depressed) but is much less well known about. It can equaly debilitating- my DH had heart palapatations, sweats, nightmares etc. It tends to get worse not better (and in some people lead to a snapping point as in the long run its simply not possible to control all the things you can get anxcious about). If you think you dh may be a bit anxcious I really feel for you- especilay if you think he might not want to get help (a CBT psychologist or good therapist can really help). Trying to get him to see his behviour would be a good first step, ask him if he could make himself not go to her at all for one whole night- if he answers no ask him why not, what does he fear happening, then ask him if he thinks other dads up and down the country could manage to not get up for one whole night (to try to get him to compare/ see if he thinks his behaviour is normal). Ask him if its effecting his sleep too- try to encourage him to see this in a not very positive light and then maybe he might want to think about getting help.....
Hope it works out for you

[shhhh]

thanks everyone..
petitfilou, dh & I have discussed the possiblity of pnd. I had/have it following dd's birth and dh is sure that it can affect men. He knows his "behaviour" is extreme but doesn't know how to stop..doesn't know why he does it but I suppose he's also extreme during the day (similar to yours anniemac). He to wories she could choke while eating etc although like I said before I am with her 24/7 so maybe thats why I am more relaxed. I am confident that although she is only 18 months old she is aware of putting to much food into her mouth etc.

DH did mention that whats brought it all to ahead is that in last weeks local paper it reported about a baby who died we think from sids. Although this was a baby baby it still shocked him of how precious she is.

Well..........Tuesday night he had a lavender bath and a milk drink before bed and he slept upstairs (3rd floor) and the next day he told me he didn't wake once.I suppose like others have said, it was being away from the situation that maybe helped. Last night he did the same BUT dd woke around 4am as she'd had an accident with her nappy. I saw to her BUT dh came down and helped, im 31 weeks pregnant so this is usual for us to both help during the nights etc. So we both got little sleep...So tonight I will try again. I think it a good idea doing this for a few months esp as I'm like a house now..gives us both more room..!!!

Thanks again xx

[cheeryface]

just wanted to say that it's the other way around here, with me being the anxious one and dh very relaxed.
when i took antidepressants once they helped ALOT but had to stop due to side effects.
i can tell you are being very supportive and kind about it to your dh and ime that is very very important. my dh just thinks i am a fruit cake and beleive me it makes things so much worse.
i am now taking saint johns wort(may be an option for your dh)

[SHHHHsantaiscoming]

thanks cheery, sorry to hear you are having a bad time of it..BUT I know where you are coming from in the sense that I suffered with pnd with dd and have it slightly now with this pregnancy. BUT I wasn't anxious..just felt I wasn't good enough for dd. Madness that you get such mad thoughts and feelings once you become a parent..!!

Well I will suggest sjw to dh BUT I know being a typical man he won't go for "non of that nonsense". Believe me his words NOT mine..! Sometimes I wish men weren't so macho and actually had feelings like us women do.!!

Thanks again everyone. xx