answering back and being rude- how do I cope?

[Bootsie]

my dd is 5 and at the moment seems to take great please in answering back and being generally rude. It takes so long to do even the everyday tasks, getting dressed, eating meals etc just because she seems to want an arguement each step of the way. My dh and I are getting really worn down by it and have no idea how to break the cycle! Ds who is 3 is now starting to copy too. Does anyone out there have any advice?

[amynnixmum]

Have you tried a reward chart?

[LadyVickyOfBeckinghamPalace]

Mine does the stare... and the condescending tone "Muuum" and tries to tell me how her homework should be done, even though she can't read properly yet..she's 5 soon! Must be the age! I got some great advice on here before (under a diff username) about a pasta jar and a star chart.

[Bootsie]

yes, we've done reward charts plenty of times in the past and they've always worked but this time she says she doesn't care! We've recently started a money reward system so she can earn pennies and spend them at the weekend- this has been pretty good- she makes her bed and so on but the in-between times are littered with this nasty "don't care" attitude.... we take coins out of her jar for naughty behaviour but it just doesn't seem to have any impact. Don't want to be the stroppy mum I'm becoming!

[amynnixmum]

There is another type of reward system but you may feel she's a bit young yet although if you've used reward systems already with her she should be ok. We use it with our 2 and basically they can earn tokens for all the things we want them to do in the day and then they get to spend them on doing the things they want to do like watching tv etc. The idea is that about 2/3 of what they earn daily should go on paying for the usual activites they would choose to do and the other 1/3 can then be saved up for special treats that they can choose. You also takes tokens away as fines for bad behaviour. It works really well with our 2.

[Bootsie]

I'll give that a go- we can make some tokens after school for everyday actvities. She's a bright girl so should understand. I've had to ground her from going to one of her after school clubs today- but that just means more time with her at home annoying the hell out of me!! Other people say she's lovely so at least this behaviour is only shown at home, I guess I should be glad about that, just feel like a bit of a failure behind closed doors just now.

[amynnixmum]

If you want bootsie I can send you a copy of the program that this idea comes from. Its actually designed for chidren with adhd who can be very oppositional. My ds has quite a few adhd traits which is why his paediatrician sent it to me but dd is fine and it works well for her too. CAT me if you'd like a copy as I've got it on the computer somewhere and can email it to you.

[Bootsie]

Don't have the facility to CAT you at mo...any link available? Otherwise will try to sign up to CAT asap.... Thanks amynnixmum

[Bootsie]

..and LadyVicky- I'll read more on site to see advice you offered

[Bibiboo]

How about using a reward system with things that she does care about? To most 5 year olds money is neither here nor there. They get all they want provided for them anyway and at don't need to buy anything essential.

Explain to her that if she's going to be rude and answer back, she loses something for the rest of the day/week. That mummy is serious and doesn't want to take things away/stop her doing things, but if she doesn't deserve them, she doesn't get them.

Still reward her for good behaviour, and I hope you see a difference soon!

[doormat]

have you tried how fast they can get dressed, put toys away etc
ds3 is 5 and we count from 1 till whenever he has finished
we make a game out of it

and he tries to do it quicker than the last time LOL

as for the eating
can she help gets the plates out, cutlery and generaqlly
help with the meals in a small way
to feel that she is participating
therefore it would be more encouragement

[Bootsie]

Thanks everyone. Dd is quite fasinated by money at the moment and so has been enjoying "earning" her own pennies to buy a comic or whatever at the weekend s for the past couple of weeks so in some repects that system does work..it's easy to make her feel proud of herself for helping out and she's always enjoyed being mummy's helper- it's the couldn't care less attitude that's so hard to break- this evening she'll be missing a group she really enjoys after speaking badly to dh and myself this morning but when told she just shrugged and said she didn't want to go this week anyway! I never realised we'd have this attitude from a 5 year old- had hoped we had a few more years before it set in!

[Bibiboo]

Bootsie, she may start to care about missing groups when it's more than one she misses and her friends are still going. It will take time but I'm sure if you're consistent it will work. My cousin is 6 and a right little madam at the moment, but slowly her behaviour is changing as her mother gets tough and stays tough with her.
Good luck.

[Bootsie]

Thanks bibiboo- lets hope so!