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Parenting

DS cried that he didn't want to go home to his Daddy's house . . .

13 replies

Upsetds · 14/11/2006 17:38

I've changed my name although I regularly post but feeling very odd with this situation and for some reason wanted to keep some anonymity if that even makes sense
My ex-h and I split up when my ds was 2 years old. There were many reasons but I knew that if I didn't split the care between us, my ex-h would never spend any time with ds (he was always too busy with work whilst we were together and I feared he would make excuses). My Dad left my Mum when I was a baby and I never saw him until I was 26 so I think I was worried the same would happen to my ds. It broke my heart but we have shared care ever since with him spending the weekdays with his Dad and his new partner, step-brother and sister and then comes to us on Fridays after school and spends every weekend.
He is 8 now and he has always had a challenging relationship with my ex-h new partner. I have no doubt that she found the situation difficult but ds is an incredibly sensitive boy and feels left out.
This weekend he burst into tears when I went to take him home and he said he didn't want to go home but didn't really know why. He said that he didn't know what to do and wanted to be with us all of the time but also see his Daddy and step-siblings but didn't want to say anything to them because he didn't want to upset his Dad.
His dad sometimes works quite long hours so sees ds infrequently (sometimes for breakfast and maybe for an hour at tea time but not every day and sometimes not at all for days).
I have offered to have ds during the week to allow his Dad to have him for longer at a weekend if he could get time off but he says that he tries to get home to see the children whenever he can (which ds is always hoping for) but more often than not it never happens.
Essentially this means ds spends most of his time with ex-hs partner even though I collect my other ds from the same school and am at home with my other children every day after school.
I want to say that he should be with either me or his Dad rather than our partners as I am sure that if my dh looked after him all of the time, ex-h wouldn't like it. however, if I force the issue, I don't think ds would end up seeing his Dad at all.
I hate to see him upset as we wanted to do everything we could to ensure that it was us that did the hard stuff and he spent equal time with two families that love him but I clearly failed.
Not sure I think anyone has an answer but wanted to unload - sorry

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gigglinggoblin · 14/11/2006 17:56

could you split the week differently so you had part week, part weekend? i would be uncomfortable with ds spending so much time with stepmum if they dont have a good relationship. seems a bit pointless and ds is old enough to have some idea of what he wants by now. you could always try for a month and then reassess

i dont think you have failed, it is just a crap situation when parents live apart, i dont think you can win (i know i havent)

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edam · 14/11/2006 18:05

From the situation you've described, it looks as if you have done everything you can to give your ex the opportunity to build a relationship with ds. He's working long hours so actually not doing much of the parenting. I don't think that it's good for ds to be spending most of his time with a step-parent rather than his own mummy or daddy. Especially a step-parent with whom he has a 'challenging' relationship. And even more so when he sees you picking up his half-siblings from school.

You are a. his biological parent b. available to look after him. Seems to me ds would be better off living with you and having spending time with dh, rather than the other way round. Maybe he could spend every other weekend with dh? I know you had your reasons for your decision on residence. But ds is making his feelings plain - you have to do what's best for him, not what might have been theoretically best at the start to avoid losing touch with his dad. You need to see a solicitor for background info and then talk to your ex (probably not letting on you've seen a solicitor).

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JanH · 14/11/2006 18:05

Does your ex get any notice of which days he will be able to get home in time and which he won't, and maybe DS could come home to you on the nights his dad won't make it? What does he do?

Agree with gg, you have done as much as anybody could to try to make sure that your DS has any relationship with his dad at all, you have not failed - sounds like his dad could do better.

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JanH · 14/11/2006 18:06

(By "hwta odes he do?" I meant what is his dad's job, not what does ds do when his dad's not there)

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JanH · 14/11/2006 18:07

(And by "hwta odes he do?" I meant...oh, never mind )

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upsetds · 14/11/2006 18:11

Don't worry Janh - I know what you meant.

His father is self employed - he works some of the time as a farm labourer and the rest of the time he drives plant machinery, delivers logs - that type of thing.

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upsetds · 14/11/2006 18:13

Oh, and No, he doesn't really get much notice regarding when he works. I think he knows that there is never really time when he would give up the opportunity to work to look after his son so he doesn't want things to change but he isn't prepared to change either. I really didn't want to create any problems between us all to get this fixed as I know that ds will really worry if he thinks his request upset anyone but that shouldn't be his concern.

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JanH · 14/11/2006 18:17

Does that mean he never knows in advance what his hours will be?

If ds was only there for maybe 2 or 3 days during the week - eg after school on Tues till Thu or Fri morning - might his dad be more able to arrange his hours so he would be there?

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upsetds · 14/11/2006 18:22

You would think so but that doesn't see to happen. I hoped that if I suggested changing our days again he might be willing but he just says "it is what we have always done and it is not fair to change things on ds"
Ds wants to spend time with his brother and sister but is terrified of telling his Dad anything because he doesn't want him to think he doesn't want to be there at all

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NYceMummy · 14/11/2006 18:24

You definitely need to change the arrangement - most likely with you having your ds weekdays and your ex on the weekend; maybe split holidays (-does your ex work weekends?). Did you make the current arrangement with a solicitor or just between you? I think if your ex isn't approachable/ agreeable about changing the arrangement then you need to talk to a solicitor. You should probably talk to a solicitor anyway for advice. Good Luck!!

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NYceMummy · 14/11/2006 18:30

Sorry, cross-posted. If your ds is worried about it being his idea and your ex doesn't want to change it because ds might not like it, maybe you need to stage a "meeting" with you, your ds and your ex (-and maybe his new partner) where you suggest that you have ds on weekdays as you are always at home and that your ex has him on weekends and then you can "ask" your ds if that would be ok with him (-make sure you have told your ds what you are doing and that Daddy will think it is your idea not his, so that ds will agree to the idea!) Just an idea. HTH

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Blu · 14/11/2006 18:32

It must be quite hard for your DS, seeing you collect your other ds from school, while he goes home to his step-mum. Also, as an observer (no direct experience) it does seem to put quite a lot on kids to give them two equal households to operate in.

Now he is older, could he be with you for the week, and then spend quality time with his dad during hols and on Sundays?

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HappyMumof2 · 14/11/2006 19:24

Message withdrawn

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