My parenting style conflicts DRASTICALLY with husband's

[mez656]

I'm at a loss for what to do. Last night my dh(? on the d at this point) slapped my 10mo dd's hand when she was picking up a dustbunny she found in the corner. He didn't hit her hard but I was FUMING. WTF?!? She is 10 mo for crying out loud. I am against slapping for any reason whatsoever and, stupid me, had assumed that he would be too. I told him I was totally against spanking and he responded that he was totally for it. His response was "she has to learn" -- learn what? how to hit other people?!?

Now what? He's also overall completely crap with her. When I ask him to watch her (RARELY) he just leaves her to play by herself on the floor while he goes about whatever he was doing. I am not against letting her do her own thing but truly upset that he doesn't have enough interest in her to WANT to play with her...

I think I mostly just needed to rant but wondered if anyone else has experience with conflicting parenting styles/ideas and what you do/did to try to resolve it...

[edam]

Hmm. Maybe try watching one of those parenting programmes with Saint Tanya Byron with him? He needs to think about this from the child's point of view and with regard to child development ie their brains don't process information the same way that ours do. Buy him a parenting book - Penelope Leach or someone?

[bluejelly]

10 months is way too young for a baby to 'learn' a lesson like that
They don't have the intellect to figure out right and wrong at that age

Don't think it matters taht he doesnt play with her at the moment but maybe time for some serious chats about approaches to discipline etc because when she reaches toddler age it will become a real issue

Would he be interested in reading a parenting book on the subject do you think?

[mez656]

I don't think he'd read a parenting book. I can ask and see but I'm doubtful. At the moment, I am so ticked off I want to kick him out of the house! I completely agree that she is WAY too young. His response to my complaints was "I was spanked, I'm ok." No, you're not "ok" - you just slapped a 10 month old for crying out loud!

[WeaselMum]

Leaving the smacking a 10mo old aside - so clearly inappropriate even if you believe in smacking! - I think it would worry me that he isn't interested in playing with her - I know not everyone finds babies fascinating but she is his daughter. Sorry, no helpful advice about how to resolve this but I do think you are right to be concerned and just wanted to give you some support...

[Iklboo]

How about smacking him around the head with the parenting book? Addresses two issues at once!

Joking aside, 10 months is WAY too young to smack (if you believe in smacking). Did he even warn/distract her from in it any way?

[Mumpbump]

I think I read somewhere that they don't even begin to understand right and wrong until they're 3. At 10mo they're just finding out about the world, so it seems terribly hard to reward their natural curiosity with a smack. My parents used to smack us and I must say that I am not anti-smacking if there is a safety issue involved. But I am hoping that other forms of discipline will be as or more effective.

[Iklboo]

We've found "NO!", "Ah ah ah", "BURN!", "BANG!" etc effective at stopping DS from doing things he shouldn't. Wouldn't dream of smacking him.

[bluejelly]

what's a dustbunny by the way

[Iklboo]

Blob of fluff - like you get under the bed or in corners?

[bluejelly]

Thanks
And was it a big smack or a gentle tap?

[sleepysooz]

You must be beside yourself that your precious baby got a tap on tha hand, poor wee mite!

My DH doesn't have any parenting skills at all, but he would never strike any of our children, even though they make you feel angry.

I have 3yo twins and I am on AD's because things are so bad in our household, DH feeds dts at the stairgate (which is at kitchen door) like zoo animals, I am horrified he does this, their bedtime routine is crap, (I work at night so am unable to do myself) he lets them fall asleep downstairs, he will sleep with them in their own beds when they cry at night, there is just no disipline or boundaries with DH, kids need rules.

Looks like our DH's are similar but opposite in manner! mines tooooo soft, why can't they compromise!

[mez656]

I'm kinda liking the idea of smacking him upside the head with a parenting book. Very tempting. Course, that might not jive well with my anti-violence rant...

I'm now having images of little bunnies made of dust hopping around my house. I guess not everyone calls those little nasty blobs of gack by their euphemistic name.

Getting back to my anger, cos I am still ... I just need to defend him breifly and say that he does play with her sometimes but not nearly as much as I would have hoped or expected. He was the one who so desperately wanted a baby in a hurry and now that she is here I am the one who is taking care of her all the time. But, with the way he treats her, I don't want him to take "care" or her.

I know that most (if not all) mums on here are going to agree with me that smacking a 10 mo is out of line so maybe that conversation doesn't need to happen but I wonder has anyone else had similar conflicts with partners? If so, what came of it?

[mez656]

It was neither a big smack nor a gentle tap. Somewhere in the middle. The issue isn't really this one time (I can get over it if it happens once or twice) but his attitude that he sees nothing wrong with it.

Sleeysooz - I assume you are being sarcastic about my "precious" getting a tap. It's not the point of this one tap. It's the issue of his attitude and the slaps that are to come in the future if he's already acting this way. I wouldn't want him to be completely lax like your dh either but there's got to be a middle ground.

[sleepysooz]

Metz - Sorry, sorry sorry, no I wasn't being sarcastic, our children are sooo precious that we need to get it right,(is what I mean, we only get one chance) and yes there has to be a compromise somewhere!

[ernest]

don't really know if I can help. My dh also hit our ds, but he's a lot older. I was livid, and we had a big talk. AT least, dh agreed with me in principle that he shouldn't hit, but still did it it the heat of the moment. And that was still bad enough to try and deal with. Don't know how you'd handle it if he is actually all for it.

I don't know if I'd agree with advice about watching childcare programme with him. I know my dh would HATE it. but hey, not all men are the same, maybe yours would go for it.

I guess you need to have a big talk about discipline and lay out some ground rules that you can both agree to. I guess this talk needs to be scheduled for when you're both feeling calm, and def. not done when you're angry or as a direct reaction to an incident. Much sympathies. We have differing ideas about some things and it is hard. But your situations does sound a lot harder than mine. Wish you best of luck.

[stitchthezenmaster]

i think you are over reacting.
most men dont want to 'play' with such young kids. they just dont. god knows why.
he is doing the pavvlovian thing where the child learns not to touch stuff. lots of people do it. tht s how they have hooouses that are pristine. crystal displyed everywhere etc.
you do need to discuss parenting styles with him. but not in the emotional state you are in now.
i personlly am in favour of your style. a 10 month old is just a baby. but i also thing you are getting too stressedd over this.

[Greensleeves]

I sort of agree with stitch about the not playing, although I think it's a shame for both of them.

I don't agree that you are overreacting about the smack, though. It's completely out of order to hit a 10 month old EVEN if you are someone who believes smacking children is acceptable discipline, which you clearly are not. I am not either, and I would go absolutely ballistic if anybody ever physically chastised one of my children, their father or anyone else.

I don't know how you can resolve this, but I think you must make it completely clear that you feel very strongly indeed about this.

[Bozza]

Well I am probably in a minority because I wouldn't have a problem with tapping a 10 month old on the hand for reaching for something dangerous if done repeatedly. But a dust bunny? Seems well out of proportion.

I think part of the problem is that he is charge infrequently so does not know what to expect or where to set the boundaries.

[mez656]

Thanks for all of your responses.

Sleepysooz - sorry that I read you wrong. It's weird how written things can be interpreted in such different ways.

Stitch - I suppose if I read just what is in this thread I might think I was overreacting too. It's all part of a bigger picture though.

Ernest - after your talk, did things get better?

I suppose I will have to sit down with him for a talk but I am just worried about what happens if we can't agree. I'm not sure I want him around if it means having slapping in my house...

[ernest]

yes, is uppose they did. we have 3 ds's and for some reason ds2 just seems to push his buttons in a way the other 2 don't, so he has hit ( lashed out and swiped at him/given a clip round the ear/ shoved etc) too many times, JUST ds2. One time on holiday was over something relatively minor (involving an ice cream) and dh just saw red and marched over and slapped him round the head. I went bananas & he then apologised to ds & promised he wouldn't hit him again. He did again a few weeks later while we were supposed to be having a nice walk in the forest & he hit him - he claimed he hadn't (think he genuiinely didn't register what he'd done as hitting) but poor ds had finger marks. I was soooo mad. I tiold him he was my child too and no one was allowed to hit my child and he had promised not to hit him etc etc. He again apologised & hasn't done it since. But he does fundamentally agree with me that hitting is wrong.

Maybe it would help if before your talk you arm yourself with facts 'proving ' the point that hitting is wrong & inneffective & alternatives. ALso ask him why he's in favour. ALso ask him as you feel so strongly against it, if he wouldn't be prepared to accept your views/wishes on the matter?

I know it was a lesser sub-topic, but my dh is crap, esp with younger ones. If I leave him alone I specifically tell him he's nopt to just ignore him, and on SUnday when I was trying to bake my Christmas cake & ds3 (2) was getting under my feet & dh just sat on his bum reading the paper I just specifically told him to go up to his room and play with the train set. I even had to specify the bloody toy fgs. Men (well mine) can be so bleedin lazy & lacking vision, esp with little ones.

BEst luck xx