Do you think constant criticism is damaging if you are a really loving parent?

[Pruni]

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[harpsichordcarrier]

yes, it matters, a lot imo.

[hunkermunker]

Yes, agree with Harpsi. She sounds mad.

[Pruni]

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[controlfreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaky2]

all that labelling. yuk. agree with you pruni.

[Heathcliffscathy]

Pruni i know what you mean, and i think to some extent you are right.

these children will absorb that their mother loves them. unfortunately they will also absorb all the verbal messages that she is giving them.

[Pruni]

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[harpsichordcarrier]

yes a whole bunch of therapy

[Pruni]

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[colditz]

You could say something like "Aw, don't tell him off, my mum was always telling me off, it's all I remember!"

She might apply that to her behavior. She probably won't.

[controlfreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaky2]

no. she dosent sound brimful of insight.

[JoolsToo]

Criticism is criticism however it's delivered.

[Elibean]

Sometimes, its worse absorbing criticism from someone you feel loved by. Harder to get angry and chuck out the critical messages later.

[AnguaVonUberwald]

I think its also heading into guilt!

i.e. you SHOULD be good for mummy! how can you be bad for mummy like this etc

[kandi]

I reckon this is a boy thing quite honestly. the mom probably feels that boys are 'naughty' and so she speaks to him as if he's naughty, unlike his sister then it probalby becomes a bit of a self-fulfilling prophesy. But she clearly adores him. I've seen a few moms of boys saying similar things, like 'he does so and so because he's a boy, unlike his sister, such a cheeky monkey, blah blah blah.

[ilovecaboose]

I think if you constantly criticise from a young age, 1) it can damage child's self esteem and 2) child gives up listening to anything you say quite quickly. They know its gonna be criticism whatever they do, so they ignore it and carry on what they're doing anyway.

I know someone who does this. They adore their son and their son adores them, but he's only 6 and already doesn't listen to her at all . I know why she does it as well - very depressed and in a difficult marriage. I really hope this doesn't create a barrier between her and her son when he is older, I don't think she could cope with that, it would be so

[doggiesayswoof]

Yes. Very damaging to self esteem IMO.

[Bugsy2]

I have a friend who does this with both her children. She loves them very much & is attentive & concerned for them, but the endless criticism NEVER stops. I find it exhausting being with her for more than half an hour.
The consequence now is that her children (aged 8 & 5.5) just ignore her now unless she shouts at them. It is as though they have just switched off the annoying constant carping in the background. So now when I go round, as well as the constant stream of criticism, she shouts alot as well. Very stressful.

[FillyjonkTheFireEater]

yes v bad

think ins some ways worse that its loving cos he will more readily assiminate it to his self-perception. so self-fulfilling prophecy.

we do bascially all adore our kids, I imagine. A fair proportion still produce feck ups, so probably no, adoring him is not enoguh.

[fondant4000]

Yes damaging, my mum did this - and she loved me loads, but still feel I'm not good enough

Have to bite my tongue sometimes to avoid labelling my dd (3.5) and seeing every little thing as major behaviour trait that must be commented on!

Not sure if there's anything you can do, except to say 'oh my dd/ds does xxx too, I think all kids do - or something'. The mother's probably been thru' it herself in childhood, but that's no excuse

[evamum]

IMO yes, definately.
I had constant criticism from my father when we were out, delivered in a loving way (at home it was not so lovely). Even though my mum never said anything hurtful I will never forget some of the things he said and havent spoken to him in 5 years, partly because of this.

I have caught myself and DH calling my DD a stupid baby (in a joking way) when she face plants into the carpet trying to crawl and hate myself for it, even though she is only 9 months old.

[ratclare]

my mums friend when her new baby was born had trouble with her daughter being really jealous ,so she used to say things to the baby in a really lovely voice ,like arnt you a smelly baby etc which of course the baby couldnt understand but her daughter could so her daughter stopped being jealous and my mums freind stopped doing it ,pleased to say that both children grew up without requiring therapy ! perhaps this lady is doing something similar ?

[lemonaid]

Except that, according to OP, she does exactly the same thing to the older daughter too.

[beckybrastraps]

I certainly DO say critical things to my children at times. I don't do it ALL the time. There is a happy medium I think.

[PetitFilou1]

Yes, it matters, hugely. I speak from experience with my own mother. It matters equally as much if getting praise out of your parents is like squeezing blood from a stone. Actually that probably matters even more thinking about it. Have you ever heard her actually saying anything nice?