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Parenting

Interfering OLD lady during public temper tantrum.....

52 replies

undergroundernie · 06/11/2006 11:24

I need to get this off my chest in order to calm down as I am still shaking. My youngest dd age 2.4 and I were shopping. She was standing in front of her pushchair in the checkout queue and for some strange 2.4 year old reason did not want to get out of the way and so was holding up the queue. I asked her to move, I said it nicely, then firmly then picked her up out of the way. She predictably did not appreciate this and began to scream blue murder. I carried her out of the shop whilst pushing the pushchair and then put her down and held her hand. She was twisting away and trying to fall on the floor. All very age appropriate and irritating, and much worse when you're out in a public place.
Then a well-meaning old dear (for well meaning old dear read INTERFERING TOOTHLESS OLD CRONE) says:

"Be careful with the child she's fallen over twice already."

I was struck dumb, already stressed due to tantruming daughter I just looked at her, smiled (), and said 'thank-you'. How ridiculously polite. I wanted to scream at her but did not. Now I am shaking with anger and keep going over it in my head. Was I hurting her? Should I have handled it differently? Probably but your options are very limited in a crowded market street. I don't think I was hurting her, I was holding tight but just to stop her wriggling off, to keep her safe for a start.

So just to get it off my chest. SHE WAS AN INTERFERING OLD HAG WHO HAD THE CHARM OF MRS MANGEL WITH NO INSIGHT OR EMPATHY WHOSE CHILDREN PROBABLY HATE HER AND WHO DESERVES SOMETHING BAD TO HAPPEN TO HER TODAY.

Please say something nice and make me feel better.

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stleger · 06/11/2006 11:31

Thank you for reminding me about Mrs. Mangel! I think supermarkets are the natural habitat of interfering old ladies in winter.

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amynnixmum · 06/11/2006 11:32

I pointedly ignore everyone when one of mine has a tantrum. Ds is 6 and has some truly spectacular ones. No matter what you do you can guarentee someone will disapprove so just do what you think is appropriate and to hell with anyone else

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trefusis · 06/11/2006 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MarsLady · 06/11/2006 11:34

You handled it all perfectly Well done!

Mrs Mangel I'm sure will meet her match soon.

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undergroundernie · 06/11/2006 11:34

Thank-you for talking to me. . I am calming down and beginning to feel ready to cope with the rest of the day. I could just imagine her spouting off to her old people friends about the standards of parents today and how she had saved a child from her abusive mother.....

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LadyOfTheFlowers · 06/11/2006 11:36

oh dont worry about it!
people turn and stare when ds1 kicks off (16m) and i just say 'he is ok- its all very age appropriate'
or when i get parents of older children staring-
'you'd forgotten about this stage then?'


if she had implied to me i was hurting my child i would have totally lost it.
well done you for not exploding.

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suzywong · 06/11/2006 11:36

it's remarks like that that get lights punched out


However, I have to say it is slightly worse when people gurn and laugh.
My stock answer is " Do you see me ffin laughing, Grandma" But the ABSO has curtailed me somewhat now.

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LadyOfTheFlowers · 06/11/2006 11:38

im getting vexed now just thinking about it! what on earth do people expect you to do.

just thought actually, i probably would have said something like:
'hurting her? this is nothing to what i'll do wehn i get home!?'

that would have shut her up!!

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LadyOfTheFlowers · 06/11/2006 11:39

lmao at suzy...
do u see me effin' laughing? lol

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Bugsy2 · 06/11/2006 11:44

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH - on your behalf!!!!!
So very, very irritating. I used to have nightmares with DS in public places, often involving me having to rugby tackle him to the ground in a dignified and calm manner (not) & I swear if anyone had said anything I would probably have disgraced myself with a GBH effort.
You were right, she was horrible old biddy.

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Naughtynoonoo · 06/11/2006 11:53

Also loved your response Suzy , I always feel there are 100 pairs of eyes on me when ds has his moment and want to chin all of them, do I need there disapproving looks in my hour of need - NO

I rememeber one charming oap (man), he was so lovely. We (ds and I) had just got to the place where we were picking up car that had it mot being done. DS threw a paddy as we left sainsburys, god knows how I got him into the car place and I was so f*&xed off when this old git came up to me (I was waiting for him to have a go), he was so nice and said his children were exactly the same and not to worry that it happens to everybody. He went on to say his son was now a policeman and the other a solicitor. Just talking to him made me calm down and ds got over his paddy.

Now where is the thread about Mrs Mangel - I never saw it

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dizietsma · 06/11/2006 12:18

This reminds me of our flight to the states this summer with DD then 12 months.

We'd (foolishly) decided to pay less and have her sit on our laps which of course meant she would be calm for a bit, then fuss, then scream and fight to get out of our laps, rinse and repeat over 8 hellish hours.

Some EVIL OLD HAG sitting two rows in front of us would turn around and give us the evil eye each time DD kicked off and eventually turned around and said "Can't you shut it up?". Which I ignored.

She then continued to glare and tut until my patience wore thin and I walked up to her and said "I know it's annoying, but I don't enjoy this either, what do you suggest I do?", EOH looks rather aghast at being challenged on her nastiness and repeats "Just shut it up, just shut it up." I repeat "What do you suggest I do?" in my best reasonable voice to which EOH mutters something about "it must be spoilt" I walk away and she snipes at my back "just shut it up".

I'm assuming the "spoilt" remark was some comment on how I don't beat my screaming infant enough, but frankly I think I deserve a medal for not beating EOH the minute she described DD as "it".

I suppose this woman was the perfect infant and never fussed on long journeys while her exhausted and embarrassed parents tried to calm her, eh?

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hovely · 06/11/2006 12:43

dizietsma - "IT"????

presumably she herself was from another life species, some sort of alien then?

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TwinklingTinselAndTenaLady · 06/11/2006 12:46

I think you handled it perfectly and the old gal too.

No need to lose your rag at her she was stating the obvious.

Drop it and move on as I think you were truly angry of what you think people were thinking when in fact they really werent. If that makes sense

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Rookiemum · 06/11/2006 13:05

People really have this need to comment on the flipping obvious.

We had the flip side of the coin, recently on flight with 7mth old rookiebaby, at the end an old lady comes up " Oh he was so well behaved wasn't he" cue modest smiles from us, like we have much influence on how he acts, not.

Then smiling at rookiebaby
" Mummy must have you on drugs to make you that quiet "

WTF ??? I was so stunned by this I had to be prodded silently from the plane by DH. This was obviously this ladys idea of a nice positive compliment.

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undergroundernie · 06/11/2006 13:13

I agree, what makes tantrums feel worse in public is that you can't stop yourself imagining what everybody else is thinking, when they are probably sympathising if they have any memory of their own children.

What really shocked me was that she clearly thought I was hurting my daughter and that made me instantly go in massive self -doubt mode, was i hurting her, was i being too rough, do I appear like a monster parent who is terrifying her child, what is appropriate restraint?

On reflection in calmer mode, I wasn't hurting her, I was holding tightly to her hand she was making herself fall over. Keep repeating this to myself to recover from horrible old busybody.

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Podmog · 06/11/2006 13:18

Message withdrawn

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katzg · 06/11/2006 13:28

This reminds me of one time i was on the bus home with DD1 at rush hour, it was taking for ever to get home and she was about to kick off, so i started doing a running commentry, 'oh look, DD1 theres a red car, oh look at all the rain ect ect' for about 10 mins which thankfully stopped the full bown tantrum which would have happened, as i got up to get off the bus i heard this women behind me say ' o thank god she's shut up'

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Panyanpickle77 · 06/11/2006 13:46

When I was a toddler of a similar age to your dd undergroundernie, my mum had a similar "event". The only difference was that I turned to the miserable old hag and shouted
"GET STUFFED"
Whilst my mum wasn't impressed with my mouthful, she couldn't have put it better herself!

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aDadOnMumsnet · 06/11/2006 13:50

oh these situations wind you up dont they. And usually afterwards you think about the perfect response you should have given!

I was in the supermarket the other day with dd1 (will be 3 this month), she was trailing a few yeards behind as I pushed the trolley and she stopped to look at some shelf (silently, not even touching anything). I pushed my trolley round the corner and heard a woman's voice saying "GET BACK TO YOUR MOTHER!" - and it was shouted in an unpleasant way. So back round the corner I went and saw this (no doubt bitter twisted woman) glaring at my dd who was rooted to the spot. She clicked that I must be the dad and said "it's just kids run riot in here all the time".

This was the one time that i said what I wanted and said "Yes but my child wasn't making ANY noise or running, and I heard exactly what you said and the way you said it. I would say she's behaving better than you".
Still wound me up, but i felt pleased I said what I meant and not let it lie.

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BettySpaghetti · 06/11/2006 14:01

Podmog -your story of the tea party at the vicarage reminded me of when I took DS(just 2 at the time) to a friends 50th birthday party only , in my case, the party-goers were a lot more understanding .

DS loves his food so was hovering around a low table with snacks and nibbles on. Whilst I was chatting to friends I saw the Mum of the host and some of her "older" friends smiling and giggling -I looked over only to see that they were watching DS picking up crisps, licking the flavour off and putting them back in the bowl!!

I was really and apologetic but the old ladies were "don't worry, its lovely to see a little one having fun and hes made our day, we've laughed so much!" . I thought it was lovely to see a much older generation enjoying watching the antics of a toddler as its so rare (as this thread has shown).

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Skribble · 06/11/2006 14:04

Whatever you do someone will always feel the need to pass comment, surprised you were not told she needs a good smack, hate hearing people say that, Even my Dh says that , but then he is an idiot.

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Skribble · 06/11/2006 14:06

BTW DH would never say it out load to anyone or he would be the one getting a good smack, he doesn't smack ours either, but he says oh ours have never needed it, yes dear thats because of the way I have brought them up, without smacking!!!

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FawkesBride · 06/11/2006 14:23

Enjoyed trefusis and SuzyWong no end.

Toothless old crones always interfere in supermarkets. I quickly learnt, when I was pregnant with DD1, that if any crone asked me if I was expecting my first, I'd lie and say it was my 6th. Otherwise they'd have me stood there all day telling me why I should be at home with my feet up.

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TwinklingTinselAndTenaLady · 06/11/2006 19:14

Sorry Pod, cant agree with you or vicars wife on that one, If dd does it now she will think she can always do it.

I wouldnt of liked it, justifying it because she is 2yrs is on a rocky road im afraid. Bless her she needs to know it isnt acceptable just to browse and help herself, never mind the cuteness of pulling up a chair.

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