Does 1+1 equal 2 or 3: interested in views of other mums?

[Novembergirl]

I have just read a great post on the pros and cons of having three children, which contained an interesting comment that having one child was actually hardest. So, I thought I would create post on that subject.
I currently have one DS (who is nearly 2) but I often think about having a second child and have done so for years now: DH is, however, steadfastly opposed to another baby.
When I try to rationalse why I wish to extend my family I come back to the same reason: I am from a family of two and as my parents have aged, become ill and sadly, in my dad's case, died, I have had a sibling to share the burden with, even though, unofortunately, we have never been particularly close. It is also wonderful to have a sibling to share family memories and history with; not to mention the joys of nephews and neices. If I am honest, I also long to have a DD; its not that I don't adore by DS (I do) and I am realistic that a second child could well be another DS, but if I do not try, how will I know what is meant to be?
Interestingly, my DS comes from a family of three but I think that he would rather have been an only child! Whilst DH has pointed out that we can give more quality time and more benefits to one child, I cannot help but worry that DS may become spoilt, that friends will not make up for not having siblings to fight/love/grow up with and, perhaps of most concern, that he may begin to feel burdened by having the responsibility of older parents.
So, is having two children that much harder than one (I have heard some people say that 1+1=3). What are the pros and cons of having 1 and 2 children? Is it possible to managed work and looking after two children successfully? Does a second child help you relax as a parent? Am I right to worry about having an only child? All views would be welcome.

[NotQuiteCockney]

Hmmm, I have two DSes, but this week I have only DS2, as DS1 is off with the ILs. Some days 1+1 = 3. Some days, 1+1=1.5 or even 0.75. I think the average is somewhere a bit less than 2.

[poppadum]

1+ 1 = 11, IMO. i find it very much harder. However, I don't regret it. The only thing is that I am now so relaxed about parenting that i am almost comatose.

[HappyMumof2]

Message withdrawn

[Frogdelalune]

Hi Novembergirl.
We have one dd aged 6 and desperately want more but nothing has happened. DD herself expresses a wish for a sister or brother. We live out in the country with no other families within a 10 mile radius and it is very difficult sometimes.

Personally I don't like the idea of only children - I can't imagine growing up without having had my brother to spar with/have secrets with/get into trouble with/compete with/etc etc.

I think it is much harder with just one as they are more dependant on the parents for attention. They have no one to talk to/giggle with/do silly things with etc. Dd does a lot of reading/drawing etc but wishes she had someone else to share with.

I think it does depend on how much interaction the child has with other children/family members, but at the end of the day I would much prefer to have more children regardless of the work involved.

Sorry if some of that doesn't make sense

[misdee]

dd1 was an easy child, not too much ofn a shock. but adding dd2 more than doubled the trouble lol. she is a wild child, and no amount of good parenting will calm her IMO. she is just hyper.
but watching dd1+2 together makes my heart swell with pride. they love each other so much, when dd2 comes out of nursery she runs and gives dd1 a massive bear hug and tells her she missed her. ok, they fight a heck of a lot.

and dd3 is just a little gem. dd1+2 dote on her so much. always giving her cuddles and kisses. there is so much love btween them.

i know that some siblings dont get on from the start, so i feel very lucky that my girls all adore each other.

[marialuisa]

I have one DD who is 5.5y, it's a doddle. I think the "one is hard work" thing comes from people whose kids are not great at occupying themselves.

[NAB3]

I wasn't going to have another child after the traumatic delivery of my first, but when I saw them playing together aged 2 years 11 months and 7 months I was so glad I had had another baby. I have had another since then too!

Your point about good and bad things to share is a valid and important one.

What would you regret most: the extra work, expense and joy of a second child, or a lonely (possibly) child and you missing out on the joy?

When I read stories of young adults/older teenagers who have died in accidents and then discover they were only children I do wonder how much harder it is for the parents when they have no other children. And I know siblings being there can't make up for the loss. I have 3 children and have lost 2 so have had the heartbreak.

[pollyesther]

I agree with notquitecockney.

I am married to an only child and he bears all family burdens on his shoulders because there is no-one to share them with. He knew he wanted more than one child. Personally, i love having two. What can be better than doing all the things you most enjoy most with your ds twice

To see them play together and hug each other brings a tear to my eye-they really do adore one another. Of course it's not always like this and there are times when i want to shout "I'M A MUM GET ME OUT OF HERE"
Like pp said i feel more complete. We fill our dining table, we each get a cake in a box of four, family tickets are mostly for a family of four, and i think it balances out the numbers i.e two parents two children allowing me and dh to spend time with a child each rather than both of us poring over one.

To answer your mathmatical question initially it felt like 1+1=10 but now they are 6 and 3 i would say more like 1.5. They keep each other company and though they make friends on holidays etc it doesn't matter if it takes a while because they have each other.

[bananaloaf]

am am the second wife and dh has a 16yo. when ds1 was born 3 years ago dh was of the opionin job done, however i felt that ds1 would be left on his own with no family after dh and i left the scene of the party. both of us being older parents. ds2 came along in March and really i havent notices the difference between haveing 1 and 2. i do think as they get older they will be more of a handful as ds2 is already retaliating if ds1 takes toys in the 8 month baby way. i dont have a very big extended family so it was important to me to give ds1 someone else.

[Marina]

We had ds as a solo child for longer than average, until he was four. There were loads of pros to keeping it that way, for all of us. More money, more time, less chaos all round.
Initially having dd that summer was hard, hard work - definitely 1 + 1 = 11, as someone else said here. Ds was fine about it btw, all the angst was ours.
Now she is three and he seven, it varies from day to day, but generally it is no harder than having one in terms of home life. And there is so much pleasure in seeing them together (we are lucky, their starting point is a strong bond, of course they fight, sometimes for the sheer drama of it).
We are of course skinter and stretched thinner NG and both of those are stressors for us.
WRT to siblings being able to help with aged parents etc, I think you have to be on your guard about assuming your children will grow into adulthood willing to work with each other and support each other fairly and kindly. I'm lucky with my sister who is fab, dh's sister is much less proactive and thoughtful. Not hostile, just useless.
We are also a cousin-free family - you also cannot guarantee that even the loveliest sibs will oblige on the extended family front

[earlysbird]

My 1+1 DTs used to = alot more than 2 when they were tiny but now I think = 1.5 or so as they play together and are generally more independant of me but I think the fact that they are the same age (nearly 3yo) is a massive benefit rather than 1+1 with age gap between them.

[PetitFilou1]

I would say going from 1-2 is as big an adjustment as having your first child, if not bigger. But - having said that there is no question I am really glad I have them both. They are quite close in age (19 months) so at times it is tough. The first seven months were appalling and I thought I was going to crack up but once dd started sleeping all night it got much easier. They are very fond of each other and ds is easier when dd is around. Even though they don't exactly play together yet I think he just likes the company. I manage to work three days a week (but have a cleaner and a very hands on husband who cooks a lot of the time) so it works fine for us. Yes, I am more relaxed this time with dd but obviously there are new challenges as ds gets older. I feel the same as you about siblings as I have two and actually want three children as can't imagine ds and dd just having each other. Whether we will go ahead with a third I'm not sure as two was hard enough but I can't shake the feeling of wanting another. Personally I would hate only having one but I am used to lots of family being around (or was when I was younger)which has a lot to do with it.

[Twiglett]

From looking around friends who have only 1 child of DS's age (5.8) have it easy

But people who have only 1 of DD's age (2.8) would find it far easier with an older sibling around IMO

Personally I found 1 child fine cos he was easy but 2 children is infinitely better and really hasn't been difficult at any stage yet .. and they DO entertain each other ... a LOT

(people with 1 child offer to have DS to 'give me a break' .. tbh having DS is harder for me as he plays with DD)

[wannaBe1974]

I do think you should be careful and not assume that siblings will share the burden when parents get older. My sister thinks that I am totally incompetant and would never want me to have anything to do with my parents' affairs when they become too old to cope, so that idea goes out of the window in our situation.

I do think having an only child is easy in a lot of ways - only one child to have to keep an eye on in the park/when you're out/less financial expense/only having to give your attention to one child and therefore not feeling like you're being split in two. Two children obviously are more money esp if you work - my sister is going back to work in Feb and it will cost her £1300 a month just in childcare because she now has two.

But having an only child does have its drawbacks - for the child, never having a sibling to play with, my ds often tell me he wants someone (a child) to play with, for the parent once the only child grows up it's done, never again will the parent of an only experience having a baby/toddler/first steps, and as that child grows up it can be sad.

But whether or not we have one or two children isn't always down to our own making. I had planned to have two children but after 20 months of trying I know it's unliekly that we will have another one and therefore ds will grow up an only child because there simply isn't any other choice. I could be sad about that, but I do think that often it's better to be happy about the things we do have rather than regretting the things we don't/can't have.