Advice Needed.......how can I break this cycle...sorry bit long

[Melly]

Would really appreciate any advice on my situation. My dd is 5 and ds 3.5 so they are reasonably close together. The problem is that they just seem to quarrell, bicker, fight etc whenever they are together. The mornings and after school periods are a nightmare and I'm getting to the point where I am at my wits end. I have suffered with depression in the past when ds was about 8 months and was on Citalopram for a year which did help. I saw GP last week who suggested some counselling which I am happy with as I don't particularly want to go back on ADs. I left Dh back in March so am now coping as a single parent, although he never had much input because he worked away during the week, so on a day to day basis things aren't that different. They argued and quarrelled when dh and I were still together, so although they are bound to have been affected to some extent by our split, I don't think that has made the situation any better or worse in terms of how they are towards each other.

The mornings start ok but once we sit down for breakfast the arguing starts, it then degenerates into an hour of me constantly trying to make them behave nicely at the table, get dressed, I suppose fairly normal morning scene for a lot of families. They argue over everything and seem extremely jealous of each other although I try to give them equal amounts of attention etc. The afternoons, I dread, I pick ds up from pre-school at 3.15 and he starts the dreaded whinging which continues until we get to school to pick up dd. As soon as we get home they are like Tom and Jerry! I have tried various things, rewarding good behaviour, trying to ignore bad behaviour etc etc, star charts, naughty step but nothing seems to work. If it is dry I try to get them out to the park, to ride bikes or just have a play but they even argue about that. This morning was a classic, as soon as I went out of the room to go to the loo, it was as if world war III had started.
It's got to the stage now where I dread getting up in the mornings, and I dread the afternoons even more.
I get so frustrated and fed up I end up losing my temper and shouting at them, which I know is the wrong thing to do, but I just can't seem to take control of the situation. I'm sure there is an element of me being a bit depressed and I suppose they are picking up on this. Anyone got any advice for me??

[CBK]

Hi Melly,
I have a 6 week old son, and no other children, so I can't talk from first hand experience. However, I have been the manager of a facility for children (of primary school age) with emotional/behavioural issues for several years.

It sounds like you might have tried lots of this already, but I hope that I can give you some tips that have worked for me.

Neither child will be happy in such an argumentative atmosphere and as the adult, they will be looking to you to sort it out. However, they will also challenge you every step of the way in any changes that you try to make! Consistency is absolutely key. Try not to make any promises or threats that you won't carry out. And never enter into a discussion about any punishment that you do carry out.

The rules, punishments and rewards should be ABSOLUTELY clear to all of you and displayed somewhere where you can all see them. I generally use a 3 stage system for punishment ie Step 1 = a warning. Step 2 =remind of punishment (ie loss of tv/computer/sport time, or whatever they will miss most) Step 3 = carry out the punished, with no negotiation.

For the rewards, I made a chart for the wall that looked like a car race. EVERY time I spotted positive behaviour, I moved their car along the chart. When they reached the end, they got an agreed reward, ie trip to zoo etc

I would start by sitting them both down and explaining very honestly why you are doing this. Ask them if they are happy with all the fights, and then explain what you have decided to try. You could even include yourself in the chart ie Everytime I raise my voice.....

It is important to always try and find positive behaviour everytime you can, no matter how small. For example, "Well done, you just sat down next to each other without arguing" !!!

I am sorry that this is a bit rushed, as DS is grumbling! I know that theory is easy and practice is much harder, but I hope that you can use it in some way. Let me know how it goes. GOOD LUCK

[Melly]

Thanks for that CBK. That's very helpful. If I'm honest I think that you have put your finger on the problem.....consistency, i.e always carrying out punishments if threatened and equally remembering to reward the good behaviour. They are good kids really and have coped with the break of the marriage extremely well. Hopefully once I start to feel a bit better the children will respond to this. I do feel very guilty as I think their arguing and fighting must be as a result of something I'm doing wrong.
Thanks again for the advice

[Pitchounette]

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