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Please can i have advice from a parent spoint of view on this

13 replies

LoveMyGirls · 30/10/2006 21:40

i've posted this in the childminder's bit but now i'm openig it up for discussion with parents as i don't know what else to do now. if you have anything useful to add then please feel free

i'm a childminder and i have 2 girls aged 1 and 7 and 1 mindee aged 3.

over the past few weeks mindee kicks bites and punches my dd1 (7) she doesn't retaliate and yes sometimes he is provoked and she is punished on those occasions which have only been a few times (he is punching etc at least 1 a day apart from 2 days where he didnt do it at all)

i use time out immediately and the rest of the time i give him stickers and praise.

his mum has been hard on him too, sending him straight to bed, not allowing him to have pudding etc.

i've talked to him about anger and how its ok to feel angry but not to lash out and to do star jumps instead.

he just does it so impulsivly you can't see a build up at all. he always does it the second my back is turned but i know my dd is telling the truth because i have seen the marks.

i just don't know what to do now, i've asked his mum about adhd and she says she has looked into it and doesnt think its that, she thinks it is down to his age and its just a phase that he will grow out of (could be?) in the meantime my dd1 is starting to dislike him more and more, he spends 50 hours a week at my house so she is with him from morning to night this is her home and i want her to be happy and they can play nicely sometimes im sad that they can't play well all/ most of the time. (at least without the violence)

when he's on his own with me he is very good and affectionate, tells me he loves coming etc i don't want to give notice because i'm sure he will stop it but just how i can make him stop i don't know?? please help??

i have booked myself on a behaviour course but it doesnt start until after xmas.

please its making me miserable that my dd1 and him can't get along, it makes from 3.15 til 6pm horrible as i dread what he will do next. he has even pushed my dd2 (who is only 1) out of the way because he wanted a toy, he didnt hurt her but thats not the point.

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hairymclary · 30/10/2006 21:46

that's a difficult situation. IMO though your kids have to come first, and if his behavious continues then you have no choice but to stop having him.

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northerner · 30/10/2006 21:49

Hmmm, it's a tough one. My ds is 4.5 and he was like this, still is a little but is much better now, so it probably is just an age thing and will get better, but that doesn't help the situation now.

Do you have a naughty step or anything? Ds's nursery and school have a thinking chair, if they make a bad choice they sit on it for 3 mins. And praise when they make good choices, ie no hitting/shoving.

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kidsrus · 30/10/2006 21:55

have you tried a star chart with him and promise him a nice treat like a day out to the park or somewhere of his choice.
But it does sound like a normal 3yr old (hard work) keep your chin up and the next phase will soon wash over.

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3littlefrogs · 30/10/2006 22:00

These are the questions that spring to mind:

How long has he been with you, and has his behaviour been like this from day one or is it new?

Has something happened either in your life/home or his life/home to make him feel angry, upset or insecure?

Please don't take this the wrong way, but are you used to little boys, or mainly girls? Boys really are from a different planet - less articulate, more physical and often more aggressive when upset.

Is he an only child?

Do you have any concerns about his diet, about his sleep pattern?

These are all the things I would be asking myself, and his mum if I were in your situation. Maybe something will strike a chord.

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3littlefrogs · 30/10/2006 22:03

Got to go and start an essay now - hope things improve soon.

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edam · 30/10/2006 22:13

I'm wondering if there is anything your dd can do to avoid being in situations where he can attack her. I mean, I suspect this is within the normal range of behaviour for a three yo although obviously it's not right and you have to use some form of prevention/punishment. But in the meantime, as well as star charts/naughty steps/investigating why he does this, you need to help dd.

Am trying to remember being seven and what I would have done with a three yo hitting me... combination of ridden it out/ told him off/ avoided any situations where he could get at me/ told my mum I think.

I did spend a lot of time with a 3yo at that age (our childminder's son) and I think I would have been able to cope with it had grown-ups told him off i.e. if I'd known they were on my side. A seven yo should be able to deal with a 3yo without retaliating as long as they know the grown-ups are behind them. Although very tricky that this is in her own home. Have you talked to dd about this? Ask her what she thinks you could do about it - she might surprise you by coming up with some useful suggestions.

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edam · 30/10/2006 22:14

This is really easy to say and hard to do, but if he's waiting until your back is turned, I think you have to change course temporarily and keep a very sharp eye on him at all times when your dd is around.

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HappyMumof2 · 30/10/2006 22:18

Message withdrawn

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LoveMyGirls · 30/10/2006 22:19

These are the questions that spring to mind:

How long has he been with you, and has his behaviour been like this from day one or is it new? - i've bene having him about 5months now and his behaviour has started at most 1 mth ago.

Has something happened either in your life/home or his life/home to make him feel angry, upset or insecure? - nothing has changed as far as i know infact he is more settled than he has been.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but are you used to little boys, or mainly girls? Boys really are from a different planet - less articulate, more physical and often more aggressive when upset. - i am more used to girls but i think i have allowed for that though.

Is he an only child? - yes he is.

Do you have any concerns about his diet, about his sleep pattern? his diet is very good when he's with me and he sleeps well afaik.

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LoveMyGirls · 30/10/2006 22:24

it is hard for dd and she does tell him off (which i say i'll deal with this) and do back her up and do try to keep as sharp an eye on him as i can and i do tell her to leave him alone, i will try and seperate them more and see how we get on though its hard as they are playing happily and then he will just lash out. like today they were both playing nicely with a toy i went to finsh serving dinner and she came in an d said he'd biten her when she gave him a hug (i could hear them clearly and she wasn't provoking him this time)

as for giving notice i really want that to be the very last resort as i am hoping he will get through this phase soon. we have built up a good relationship and his mum is very supprtive though maybe a bit harder on him than i would be if i was her but i have to respect that he is her son and she can disapline him how she see's fit and i can only control what goes on when he's in my care.

I can't really afford to give notice either as he is my only mindee and i'm already in debt and really will not be able to pay my bills if he goes so if i can resolve it any other way then obviously thats what i want to do.

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3littlefrogs · 31/10/2006 09:14

Thanks for responding to my "list". I guess i would think really hard about anything that could have happened around about a month ago - anything at all?
The other possibility is the surges of testosterone that little boys get. 3 - 4 yearold boys are very hard work, and often have difficulty controlling their behaviour / responses, and usually are frightened by that lack of control. (It is rather like PMT, which is suffered by some women, but not all). Steve Biddulph has written a brilliant book called "raising boys". I found it a great help when my boys were small.

I have to go to work now - I do hope things improve. I am firmly of the opinion that little boys are often misunderstood, and they can be so lovely and loving, hopefully this phase will pass.
I am so sorry your dd is having to put up with this, it must be so hard for all of you.

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LoveMyGirls · 31/10/2006 14:33

today has been good so far, my dd's are both with their grandparents today so its just me and mindee, so at least dd1 will get a break.

any more advice anyone?

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nappyaddict · 02/11/2006 19:26

maybe he has issues at home where he doesn't get much attention? does he have younger siblings that get more attention that him? it seems like he is jeealous of your children for some reason? maybe he feels like it isn't fair cos they get to stay at home with their mummy but he can't?as much as he loves coming to you maybe he would prefer to be at home. i don't know really just a few ideas.

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