house meeting!! Help me find a format for giving my children some independence

[foulmoonfiend]

OK, not sure where I'm going with this so please bear with me.
My eldest boy is nearly 9 and is having a hard time at school for various reasons. Life is very frustrating for him, lives are busy, and there is not much opportunity in his life for free-thinking or independence. We have a small home and he is thrown together with the younger boy a lot of the time and sometimes I fear we are not working very well together as a family
I have a vague idea of trying to help them be more in control of their own lives and
making decisions for day to day life.
I want our family to be more democratic (while allowing for the neccessary needs and duties as a parent to nuture and protect them.)
I want them to develop an ability to listen to, and understand, other people's point
of view.
I'm got a wooly idea of implementing a weekly family meeting, with both boys having the opportunity of devising some 'golden rules' for the house and a chance to them - and us - to air grievances.

Obvious ones such as 'no hitting' respecting privacy, etc spring to mind, but what I want to know is does anyone else do anything similar? Does it have any effects? What sort of rules might you have?
I hope this makes some sense and I really want to hear any ideas and thoughts the court of MN might have!

Thanks in advance, over to you....

[harpsichordcarrion]

oh I think it's a great idea
I have no experience though because mine are too small, but I wanted to say good for you...
have you read a book called How to Talk so Kids will listen and listen so kids will talk? one of the key pointers is to get the children involved in problem solving. I can really recommend it actually.

[KBear]

How about factoring in some time for you and him or DH and him to do something together without the younger DS? To give him a bit of special time?

Great idea about the meeting by the way, we often sit round the table and have talks about stuff (although mine are a bit younger) and we say we have all got to stop shouting (yes Daddy, you too!) etc etc and it gives a sense of fair play to the family I think, instead of us parents being "in charge" of everything, although obv we still are!

[Zog]

Completely agree with HC, that book is great. It basically advocates what you're saying but not in such a formal "house meeting" type way; rather, you sit down with a pad and pen to brainstorm and problem solve together whenever the need arises. It's worked fantastically well with mine and more so as they get older.

[TheDaVinciCod]

we dont have a hous meeting but do you not think oyu could save time and aggro by devotign part of a day /hour./weekend to eahcboy?
and he can choose what to do.


i did hear of someone who had a rewards system where if you got so many points or wheveer you caold have a " ds2 day" you coudl choose a n activity meals etcetc

[TheDaVinciCod]

also does ds1 do things alone like cubs?DO you let him go to the shop alone?
thast good for him to have his own life?
do you stress the GOOD differences betweent hem
ie in our family ds1 is a really good " finder fo things" and ds2 is very good at " choosing clothes" tivial but good to stress imfo

[foulmoonfiend]

cod, thanks, he does cubs (but wants to quit as ''they do the same stuff each week'') and yes, he goes to the shop by himseldf.
Woulkd love to do sp[ecial stuff with him, but what do i do with younger one while i', devoting time to older one?
I do try but they are hideously competitive at the mo, even down to ''you kissed him twice and me only once...''

[TheDaVinciCod]

really?
how odd.
you telt ehm teh deal that you cant have nice time wiht nboth wihtout each others consent
or you say nothign and just make dh take one out to do something
when i took ds1 to Paris ds2 was mildy annoyed but i told him dh woudl do somthign nicewiht hima dn also that he woudl go when he was8

[TheDaVinciCod]

you hae a dh dont you? where does he stand
what does he do wiht them?

[foulmoonfiend]

dh thinks the meeting idea is good. he is out til 6.30 weeknights and then inbetween times is having (another) mid-life crisis....
So naff all use to me in terms of back up. Yesterday he went swimming with older one while young un was at party with me. But older one didn't enjoy swimming as he wanted to be at party.

[TheDaVinciCod]

thats no reason nto to be a dad.
dh is often away or works 12 hour days
whata botu weekends

[TheDaVinciCod]

i htink its dh thats the prob here.
and also oyu ened to demarcate that one is older than the other so can do different things

[foulmoonfiend]

hhmm, that's a whole different thread..he's mildly depressed at the moment I reckon. So veries between apathy with kids and barking at them.

[TheDaVinciCod]

well he needs to DO somthign with them regardless
send him tot he doctor
show his htis thread ( or we cna mke antoher one up to show him)

[TheDaVinciCod]

no WONDER they are clamouring around oyu if dh is a waste of time,.
you are the only active parent htey have.

[foulmoonfiend]

well thanks Dr Tanya...but what do we do?

[foulmoonfiend]

no, on second thoughts, I still want to give this meeting idea a go. Let's stick to taht

[TheDaVinciCod]

ok!

[TheDaVinciCod]

do you have an agenda

[TheDaVinciCod]

look at this
what abotu having somehtign thtta you hold to say you cn speak liek they do in circle tiem

[dolally]

Does he have any hobbies outside the home fullmoon? On his own, without little brother?

sorry if you've already said..

[foulmoonfiend]

no, not yet - was hoping for some inspiration on hre!

Thought we'd sit down next sunday after dinner when we usually play a game or something; talk about rules and have a brain-storming session about some golden rules. Mine will be 'no hitting - no, not even accidentally beating your sibling up with the cat when there was an unexpected tilt in the earth's atmosphere' 'no shouting' and 'no whinging when I ask you to come and do your homework'

I will settle for just one of those...

[foulmoonfiend]

yes! Good link! just the sort of thing! (We have the 'magic choclate bar of power' already sorted. All those who shut up and listen when someone is holding the choc bar will get some at the end of the meeting!)

Dolally, he has tried drama, swimming, and cubs (which he wants to quit). I try and make sure they both have a friend round now and again, but TBH, I work 5 days a week and I can't face it too often.

[rosie79]

Another way to help foster his independance might be to work out and write down some 'rights' for your son (and for the younger one too) and these can be talked about alongside the rules at family meetings. The whole idea behind stating children's rights is to help develop confidence, and as confidence and independance go hand in hand it night help your son.

Like house rules, these are really up to you and DS, but some suggestions (from Lindenfield's Confident Children) include:

Ask for what I want - even if people might say no

Ask for help - even if people seem too busy or don't want to help

Make mistakes

Feel my feelings

complain when it's not fair- even though I may still have to do it/not do it

etc. etc. they are mostly simple rights that are probably already implemented, but it helps to write them down and discuss them with the child.

[foulmoonfiend]

thanks you rosie - again just the sort of help I'm looking for !