im at the end ....

[LimitedTime]

Hi.
I think I may make a choice that could destroy me & my family but I don't k ow what else to do.
My DD is 9. She is my only child. My partner has a son who is 8 and we have all lived together since my DD was 4. (Before that i lived on my own with my DD)
I suffer from depression. Have done for a very long time. Whether its post natal or not, I'm clueless. Teary yes. Clueless most definitely.
My DD just has never stopped. Its an everyday thing. Shouting & grounding before school even starts. I dread her coming home from school because I know the teachers will have something to say. Or she would do something on the way home & my stomach drops & I feel sick. Its a battle.
She hangs around when I'm talking (or another adult) and then will repeat the story to anyone listening. Gets me into trouble constantly. She will stand around a corner & watch me. Stares at me. Its kind of creepy. She bosses all the other kids around. She says things completely out of order, offends people all the time.
I know it sounds petty & probably so small to everyone else but its just chipped away at me for so long now. There are bigger things but I just can't type them out loud at the moment. My partner is at her with end. My family don't have her over night because her screaming at 5am & her constant arguing back (she will boss my Nan around, where to sit, where to go etc) my sister can't handle her & I'm thinking of sending her to my mums (Australia) for a while so I can just breathe.
Please. I just need someone to talk to. Before I break badly

[Mamabear12]

Understand your pain. I canbe difficult w some kids. We don't always have it easy w my daughter, as she also cries easily, shouts, bossy and wakes up wanting mama at 5am quite a lot recently. However, my daughter is only two and I love her. She also has a lot of charm, good heart etc. try to look at your dd and see the good. There must be some good? If you need a break, send her off to your mom in Australia. Maybe she will help get her to be better behaved?

[Theyaremysunshine]

I can understand why you need a break, and perhaps consider sending her over in the school holidays. But I don't think sending her away is the answer longer term. It will destroy your relationship with her and have a permanent impact on her too, to not be wanted.

Sorry. I know you're at breaking point and don't want to upset you. You need to see your gp about your mental health too.

Have you spoken to teachers about an assessment to see if she has SEN? Could her behaviour be due to underlying disability?

Have you attended parenting courses? Your gp could perhaps refer you. It does sound very much as though she doesn't respect boundaries and that could be improved by knowing more about parenting techniques available. Parenting courses are a really good thing. Think we should all do them TBH. You might consider some family therapy too, sounds a very unhappy house.

What do you do if she's disrespectful? Do you have consistent consequences?

With the listening in to conversations and getting you into trouble, I'm afraid you're just going to have to be a lot more discreet about what you say. Keep private conversations for when she's in bed.

Hope you can get some help op.

[wheresthelight]

please don't send your daughter away!

firstly get medical help for your mental health and then get her help. it is possible that she has some problems asd/adhd etc. if you are uk based try to seek a cahms referral and speak to the school. if her behaviour is that bad then they should be helping you and intervening to manage it within school hours

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

Have you got 2 threads on this OP? Its much better to stick to just one

[sewingandcakes]

I agree with previous posters; see the GP and get some help for yourself. It's easy to get into a negative reinforcing cycle with challenging behaviours and depression.

I've been there with my son. It's been awful. But I sorted myself out and I pushed for diagnosis/support for him. He's got a diagnosis of ADHD and should be getting one for ASC quite soon. I now can see that the problems are not with him behaving badly, but with lack of support and understanding of his needs.

Yes, he is hard work still, but I now understand why he behaves in certain ways, and how to calm him/teach him other responses. I don't see him as "bad" any more. I have support around me from other parents of children with additional needs.

I think you need see your GP both for yourself and your DD

[Theoldhag]

Have you tried getting your dd councelling? You should be able to access it via your school, or gp (gp probably not as many sessions). She has had a lot to deal with in her short life and it can make children feel out of control, so she maybe pulling that control back by being bossy etc. she may also have feelings of anger that she can't verbalise but acts out, counselling (play therapy) would help her to understand these issues.

You need to go to gp for yourself as your mental/emotional health needs supporting. If needed you may be able to have some respite care package put in place for you and your dd, or funding for breakfast club/after school club a couple of days to give you a break?

Please do not feel that you are a failure, you are just exhausted from continuous battles. Some parenting classes to learn boundary and positive dissapline may help. There are a couple of books that I have recommended to people 'how to talk to children so that they listen' by John holt? And dr Sears dissapline and child behaviour book (can't remember title, but he has done quite a few books so you should be able to find one). Dr Sears also has a web site that you may find some helpful jems.

[Theoldhag]

Not John Holt my mistake www.abebooks.co.uk/Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-Help-Child/10724208704/bd?cm_mmc=gmc--gmc--PLA-_-v01

[Theoldhag]

Dr Sears dissapline www.askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/discipline-behavior

[Iggly]

The thing, some of it may be normal behaviour and your mental health makes it difficult to deal with. It could be long standing issues. Or behaviourial.

Sensing her away would be a huge mistake. She is a child. She would see it as rejection.

Talk to your gp, talk to her school and get advice and help.