Bad-natured toddler

[partyskirt]

Hi,

My gorgeous toddler is almost 2. She has usually been very affectionate and cheerful, a real mummy's girl too, but recently she has seemed more angry and fraught. For example, she has taken to kicking up a fuss when put into her cot at bedtime and when she wakes up in the morning she shouts and calls "Mummyyyyyyyy!" and looks annoyed when I go in. She wants to do everything "by self!" and even tantrums when I try to put her shoes on or stop her from doing something dangerous.

She seems really annoyed with me.

This has come at a time when I am agonising whether to put her in nursery/childminder or to keep looking after her myself and juggle it all (I work but flexibly). I had pretty much decided that she was too young for nursery and that she needed me to help make sense of the world, but now I wonder if she wants more independence and whether she should go. I am also frightened of giving her to CM as what if they were in the park and she had one of her risk-taking tantrums (i.e perched on top of v. high climbing frame about to hurl herself out of the wrong exit door?). It would be a shared CM so she wouldn't necessarily be able to avert all these disasters!

I guess I just don't really understand this phase. Everything I do seems to be wrong. I've even taught her explicitly not to kick, hit and push, and she is recently enjoying kicking and pushing me saying "mummy push!" etc. and waiting for a reaction.

What am I doing wrong and what should I do? We go to lots of groups etc.

[partyskirt]

P.s. her dad looks after her quite a lot but not as much as me, but she's not as naughty with him.

[partyskirt]

P.p.s. I should add we are still together as a family and no major changes recently!

[munchkinmaster]

Ride it out. 'I do it self !!!!!!' Is the war cry round here. I think they just realise they do have choices and can exert control and push it to see how far they can go.

[hollie84]

It's called the terrible twos for a reason!

[partyskirt]

Do you think it means she wants to go to nursery? She seems rock hard not vulnerable - but am I wrong?

[BaldricksTurnip]

This is very normal for a child of her age. When they hit two children become aware of themselves as individuals that can influence what goes on around them. I think the trick is to pick your battles, but be firm and consistent when it really matters and if she needs to spend an hour attempting to put her own socks on or whatever then just go with it. It's a tough stage but I have found that as their language and understanding develops it gets easier.

[hollie84]

She doesn't know what a nursery is so I doubt it means she wants to go.

[partyskirt]

That's a good idea BaldricksTurnip (fab name btw! haha). Hollie lol I know I just meant I wonder if the behaviour means she'd actually like a more challenging environment, out of her comfort zone, iyswim.

[plantsitter]

It's nothing to do with nursery. You should make the decision based on what's best for you and by extension her. Childminders will be fine as they are usually experienced with recaltricant 2 yr olds and will not let the kid near the climbing frame if there's the risk of a dangerous tantrum (also kids tend to be better behaved in childcare as they feel less safe).

She's 2. They are proper tyrants at this age. It's nothing to do with you except that you're clearly doing something right as she's developing normally. It can be bewildering and frustrating but it's also brilliant: really zany and funny.

[partyskirt]

Ok that's useful. I guess it has knocked my confidence in my decisions as she seems so dissatisfied! But I will try to see past it.

At what age do they start to chill out again?!

[partyskirt]

Does anyone have any experience of starting a full-on tantrumming 2 at a childminder or nursery?

[plantsitter]

Um... Quite a while tbh. However I have noticed that this really bad mood can happen just before a big mental or physical leap so maybe it's just temporary. Otherwise 4 is quite nice (!)

[partyskirt]

Omg plantsitter!! Luckily the wine rack is full.

[munchkinmaster]

To be fair our tantrums started early and at 2:4 she's chilling out. Partly as she can talk more and do a lot "self." I follow bald ricks advice and think starting to pay off. She can calm down now let's not mention 10 mins of tears over the wrong pyjamas last night.

She is a compliant angel in nursery. I might be inclined to find a nursery which does a good deal with the free funded hours so maybe start off a few mornings now then go up to the 15 hours a week at 3.

[Marcipex]

Nurseries and childminders are used to tantrums!
It's old hat to them :)

[Thurlow]

Sounds quite normal to me! Once they learn that they can do thing themselves and that they can actively influence the world around them and ask for demand things then they can get very, very bad-tempered.

Like munchkinmaster's DD, our stroppy DD is adored by everyone at her CM's as a laidback, non-tantrumming, non-crying "angel". I do wish she would bring that home sometimes... But in my (admittedly limited) experience they are quite unlikely to be exactly the same at nursery or a childminder's. For one everything is new and interesting in a way it isn't always at home. It might be worth trying her with a few hours of childcare to see how she does. I wouldn't let worries about tantrumming put you off.

We find that giving DD choices in situations where, actually, we don't give a damn what she chooses is a good way to let her feel she has some control over her life. The red plate or the blue plate? Which pair of shoes? Which colour jumper? We went through a stage of buying two slightly different versions of things like toothbrushes and hairbobbles because just offering her a choice made her more willing to do something. And with other things, with the wonderful "my do it" things, I tend to let her try, wait for her to get annoyed because she can't do it, ask if she needs help, then, if she's interested, show her how to do it. Again, I think both can con her into feeling she has more control over her life than she does.

[Theyaremysunshine]

She's totally normal. Tbh you're extremely lucky to have got this far before the terrible twos started. Ours lasted from 16m to 3.5, joy! And now dc2 is starting.

Stay firm and consistent. Don't take it personally. Give choices wherever you can. Encourage independence. Accept you will have to say some things at least a hundred times before she understands. Lower expectations and pick your battles.

It's great fun but not being shouty is a huge challenge. I'm still working on that!

[mineymo]

Mine is a similar age and also going through an independent phase. I pick my battles carefully. If he wants to wear odd shoes, he can wear odd shoes, just so long as he has relented and let me put trousers on him.

He goes to nursery 3 days a week, so I doubt it has anything to do with that! As someone else said, make the decision whether to put her in nursery based on what is best for you. But don't be afraid that they wouldn't know what to do! On the other hand, they can act completely differently with other people. One of my friends really struggles with her little boy at home, but at nursery he is a complete angel.

All part of the rich experience that is child rearing :-)