Dad leaving to work abroad

[mumofprincess]

DH departs with his work (diplomatic) to work abroad. i had folowed and work with him in the past but since DC arrived we were relocated back home. While I am exploring potential to join him soon, we are aware that for the moment is best to stay back because the country he is going to is rather difficult and outside eu, to live with kids.
My question is for mums outhere that have similar experiences, how do you deal with dad being away and how do I work this out with a 5year girl that adores daddy? also how do i prepare her for a possible relocation to a foreign country, language and school?
we have been traveling for work a lot and she is "accustomed" to us being away but we see that this always kind of depresses her, let alone knowing now that dad won't live permanently with us.
Any advice?

[PickleMyster]

My DP was away quite a bit last year. He was based in the US office for a total of 12 weeks but it was spaced out over 6 months (doing three 4 weeks stints). DS had just turned 4 (in pre-school every morning) when this work pattern started.

From my point of view I found weekends much harder, as they are usually our family times and our friend were busy doing things with own families. I had to make sure we had things to do, organised activities with my family and the in-laws.

From DS's point of view, we did lots of explaining about what was going to happen, showed DS on a map where daddy was going on the aeroplane, we arranged to Skype at bedtime each, on a couple of occasions it didn't work out and that did upset DS . A few days before DP was due home from his first stint DS got VERY clingy with me - he was scared I was going to leave him and he really struggled with me leaving him at pre-school (his teacher knew what was going on, she was brilliant but it was difficult). As DP left for his next stints we as a family made a pact to do a special activity the first weekend of DP's return. DS and I talked about the activity a lot and DP's return became much easier each time.

Can't help you with relocation as (at the moment) that is not an option for us.

[mumofprincess]

dear PickleMyster, thanks for sharing.
indeed my DC gets clingy to whoever parent is at home when the other is away-we have an arrangement to travel only when the other one is available to child care and has worked so far. I have notice that since we have began talking very general about daddy leaving she always looks around to make sure he is there or wants to call at work to make sure he is available. I expect an attachment as well when he is away and mostly dread how to handle my own feelings, as this is painfull for me, not to mention worrying about his safety there. I worry about weekends as well since my social network is rather limited and have their own families.

[PickleMyster]

Yeah, I understand how you are feeling, when DS was very clingy, not wanting me to leave pre-school I did walk away crying. I was lucky in that I had complete trust in his teacher to ring me/let me know if he really wasn't settling (after a couple of minutes he was fine). Sound hard but try to act as normal as possible.

As for keeping our weekends occupied, DS had (still has) a Saturday morning swimming lesson, by the time we'd dealt with that that was a quarter of the weekend taken up, I also remember there were a couple of birthday parties. Oddly enough I happened to mention to one of the other Mum's that DP was away and she said that her husband regularly worked away (TV production on location) so we managed to have a couple of meet ups as well (plus our boys got on really well). Would you be able to organise a weekly activity that your DD would enjoy and it would breakup the monotony of the weekend? You mention that your DD is 5yrs old, is she is school? Might be worth making it known that your husband is away, you'll be surprised how many others may be in a similar situation to you.

DS is a child who likes routine, he liked the fact that he saw/spoke to daddy on Skype each evening, would that be something you would be able to arrange with your DH? Another thing DP and I have agreed on if there are any more overseas trips, he will try his hardest to arrange it during term time so that I manage to get a break at the weekends during the the holidays (I am a SAHM) Does your DH work weekends? During school holiday could you fly out to where he is, that way yourself and DD could get the chance to experience what could potentially could become your lives (if you do eventually relocate) and spend the weekend as a family? I think if my DP had to work away during school holidays DS and I would probably make the effort to fly out for some of it and we'd just make our own entertainment during the week/family time at the weekend.

[PickleMyster]

Also wanted to say my Dad was in the Navy when I was little,but we did have a lot of support from family. As children my DB and I got used to it - it was a way of life for us and now as adults we've both got pretty good relationships with him. I don't know if this is connected but my relationship with my Mum can be strained at times - I feel she has struggled to accept I am an adult, to let me get on with things - she tries to input too much sometimes on how I do something, when and where etc - I don't know whether that is because she was used to having us all to herself or would she have been like that if my Dad had a normal 9-5 job?

Due to various reasons my DP hasn't had to go to the US this year, but I know he will have to do various length stints in the coming years so I'm going to have to keep an eye on myself not to become too controlling. I kind of think that he won't be away long enough for me to have to get used to doing everything on my own (which is what possibly happened with my Mum ).

[mumofprincess]

thank you again for all the advice. its good to learn strategies on how to cope. my husband is posted to a non-eu country 5 hours flight away and this eliminates the option of traveling just for a long weekend. we do intend to travel later, when he will be settled and he of course will return every 6-8 weeks. However this is a long time in a daughter's life, especialy since she spends almost all afternoons with him.
She does go to school and will talk this through with her new teacher in September however this model of employment is not accustomed much in our culture, let alone relocation. Furthermore we had been off for 15 years and we havent managed to recreate deplly rooted friendships when we returned here, further than our families. This is the reason I still turn for help to my friends in mumsnet back in the UK
I will apply your advice for skype and school. Furthermore I must admit I am conserned as well with your mother issues, I fear that loneliness and sole parenting will lead me to suppress my DC indipendance.
i intend to consult a child phychotherapist on that issue and additionally on what it means for a daughter to be deprived of the male rolemodel at this important age.

[Surf25]

Just stumbled across your thread. My dad worked in the US for the whole of my childhood, with my mum at home looking after myself and my siblings. In the beginning, and continuing through primary school he was away for months at a time, back for 4-6 weeks across the whole year, although the stretches at home got longer when I was in high school. I was going to suggest a bit like the pp that you try to initiate some kind of routine to your weekend that you and your dd would enjoy. Swimming was the first thing that came to mind, or some other sport or activity that could promote her confidence and independence whilst still enjoying each other's company. What does she enjoy doing? Speaking to school is a good idea, even if there are not other families in a similar position it can often help the teacher to know a particular child's circumstances. I can assure you that our situation was viewed as very unusual when I was growing up! Other things I have really fond memories of were: getting letters or cards in the post from my dad (my mum would read them to me as I couldn't possibly have read my dad's scrawl!) and also learning things about America that I could associate with him, so that it seemed 'cool' to have links with another country. Perhaps there are similar things you could do? Skype is an amazing thing and we didn't have anything like that, it was once a week telephone calls at best, so make the most of the technology that's available now!

[Surf25]

Should have added - I missed my Dad, but I never doubted his love for me or interest in my life. We are very close. My siblings now live around the world and we are all independent and happy people, successful in our own different ways and none of us resent the situation that we were in with my dad being away. Incidentally, we are as close to my mum, who we all massively respect for what she did for us. Honestly, it hasn't done me any harm at all. This sounds like a situation you don't have a lot of control over and I understand you are concerned and it will no doubt take some transition but I wish you all the best, and hope that you and your dd can make the most of some of the special times you'll share together, as well as the special times you have when you are all together as a unit again.

[mumofprincess]

dear surf25, thank you for the assurance. it is very usefull for me to hear people's experience in this and your words have been conforting. I am of cource consirned and have second thoughts on doing this , but i have faith that we will manage as a family to stand throught it. I try to focus to the main target which is extra money for my DD future and to be greatfull that under this economy we have this resort to extra money. however, I will be coming back to this post any time i need assurance. :)