Both parents off work for extended period for PFB - Anyone else done this?

[Anticyclone]

My wife is due to give birth to our first very soon. I have finished work and do not plan on going back for the first 9-12 months of the baby's life. Over the last few years I have managed to build up some decent savings, and also my wife has very generous maternity pay - so we decided to take the opportunity and share the first year of the baby's life together at home.

Has anyone else done this? How did it go? Any advice?

The reason I ask is that 99% of the things I read seem to assume that there will only ever be one main carer for the baby (usually the mother) and it is harder to find accounts or advice on what it might be like for two parents sharing the job of bringing up a newborn.

We are planning for my wife to breastfeed, so I realise that she will be spending more time with the baby. I just want to do my best to help out and not do the wrong thing, but also I want to experience the joy and excitement of watching our new child grow and develop.

[amyhamster]

Tbh I think it's better to take time off when they're that bit older so you can take them out to give your wife a break
When they're so little it's mostly the lack of sleep that is a problem
When they're older , or even if you were to have a second child , that's when I really needed my husband around to take the child swimming , to the zoo etc so I could rest when I was pregnant with no 2

[CultureSucksDownWords]

I think it's a lovely plan. My DP had 3 weeks off from work when my baby was born, and I then had a relative come and stay for a week after that. So a month of support - it would have been lovely to have shared more time with my DP in the early days.

I would say that you might consider planning in times when each of you are in sole charge of your baby. Just because I found my confidence in what I was doing increased when my DP went back to work and I had to do everything on my own.

Your role in the first few weeks and months will definitely be to enable your partner to concentrate on breast feeding. Try and make sure that she doesn't have to do much more than feed the baby.

[moggle]

I would have thought it would be a difficult transition at around 12 months for the baby to go from having both parents around all the time to going to external childcare; have you thought about that? If this was an option for us, I would choose to do me (mother) off for 9 or 12 months (purely because we want to try and breastfeed), then dad off after that, perhaps with an overlap of one or two months in between.
Also if you are planning on having more children it somehow seems unfair not to share the leave out a bit- if you can afford to take time not working, why not save some of it for baby number two if they are likely to come along?
Agree with amy that their growth and development will still benefit from you being around when they are older.
Anyway just my 2 p worth - obviously it does sound like a lovely idea :-D

[milkjetmum]

Dh has been home during both my mat leaves although our circumstances have been different from yours (dh has chronic illness). But I have found the time together wonderful - I have taken 9 months leave both times. It is a really special time, learning how to do all baby things together, first smiles,laughs,foods etc. And youcan both make the most of having a spare pair of hands so that you can nap/get out of the house/make nice dinners etc. Do it and enjoy I say!

It has been even more fun on 2nd mat leave as we have had more time at home together with our eldest too. Makes me want a 3rd just to have the time together all over again!

[dreamingbohemian]

I agree, it sounds lovely. My own DH was home for the first couple months it coincided with his slow season so he decided to just take the time off. It was great and most important, it set us on a very even playing field with respect to parenting from the very beginning. To this day, I can't deal with men who 'don't know how' to change a nappy or 'can't manage' to give a bath it's just ridiculous. Doing it together means both of you can do everything.

The only thing I would do is think about the longer term -- will you have another, do you think? What will you do for childcare after 12 months? It may make sense to stay home a few months and then work for a while and take off more time later, if that's possible.

[Anticyclone]

Thanks for all your replies so far.

Just to clarify, when the year is up, our ideal plan is for us both to go back to work part time, and continue to share the childcare in this way. If this isn't possible then one of us may end up becoming more "full time worker", and the other more SAHP. But no decision on who this will be yet!

We would like to have a second child, but that seems so far away at the moment it feels hard to plan for!

[Blu]

That sounds like bliss!

For that length of time I would say set yourselves a project or some time tabling. Once the immediate newborn phase was over, I found maternity leave more boring and isolating than hard work. You might not have enough to with both of you at home.

Also, I would say be careful not to let your mutual company be a substitute for the parenting groups that develop at baby stage. NCT groups provided lifelong parent friends and pre school toddler friends which were invaluable.

And are you planning to have more children? Because if I had a baby and a toddler, then an extended two-parent period sounds perfect for that! So I would say don't put your eggs in one basket.

Congratulations and good luck.

P.s a breast fed baby is the perfect portable travelling companion, we took DS to Greece when he was 9 weeks, cheap flight, simple apartment, it was lovely . So make use of opportunities like that if you feel like it.

[dreamingbohemian]

Ah, we have also done the two people working part-time rather than one FT, one SAHP -- it's a really nice balance so I hope that works out for you.

[PortofinoRevisited]

I would have gone nutty if my dh was home all day when I was on ML - beyond the first few weeks. Unless you have a particularly difficult baby I would keep your savings til the baby is older/you go for baby number 2.

[slightlyglitterstained]

Sounds lovely. I do agree with the poster upthread who suggested you aim to build in some time for each of you in sole charge of baby - a short time while baby is tiny, but it is important to build up confidence.

I think some people will have a hard time getting their head around the idea that you, a man, can actually learn to change nappies, learn your baby's cues for when he/she is hungry, tired, etc. But if you're there from the start, you won't do that thing where you fall behind in the learning curve & then start thinking it's some innate ability that you don't have, instead of realising that in only a few weeks after going back to work, you can be hundreds of hours behind your partner on the whole "wtf is this tiny person trying to tell me?" thing.

Realised how weird it is that in the UK new mothers are expected to cope on their own when talking to a colleague from India recently - it's far more normal to have lots of family around.

If we have another, then parental leave arrangements are changing to get a lot more flexible - we might well see more taking time together. I'd certainly like to have had DP there too in the early months, two weeks was just too short & I think most dads would agree.

[OrangeMochaFrappucino]

Sounds perfect! I don't understand why anyone wouldn't want this arrangement if it's possible and practical. It's the ideal situation and will make the first year a breeze.

[EvilHerbivore]

I agree too, something like 6x2 or 4x3 months of DP being able to be at home solidly throughout DS1s first 3 years (including having DS2 when DS1 was 29 months) would have been more useful than the first year off in one go

Tiny babies are pretty easy in some ways compared to a 2 year old in the midst of "terrible twos" or a stubborn 3 year old who requires constant negotiation/distraction and occasionally sending to their room!

Would you be able to break this time off up as bit?

[CornChips]

Oh I think that sounds wonderful. Just wonderful. :) My DH had to got back to work - hardly any time off and I think that contributed to my PND (although to be fair, a lot of things contributed) as I had no real support around me.

Do it. You have planned for it, you want to do it. Sounds great. :)

[RiverTam]

sounds like a lovely idea. I found being at home with DD so bloody hard, even though she was an 'easy' baby. And 2 of you working part time sounds good as well.

[dashoflime]

I think its a good idea. We did something similar. I was on maternity leave and DH was working part time from home.

The good things about it were:

Very easy, relaxed introduction to parenting
I didn't feel isolated alone in the house like some other maternity leave mums I knew.
DH and DS have a brilliant relationship and DH is a very confident parent. DS is just as likely to want Daddy when he's hurt or ill which makes us all more flexible.

The bad things:
Me and DH got on each others tits something chronic towards the end. Its not always a good idea for a couple to spend that much time together!
As someone said up thread: the temptation to rely on each other instead of making other mum and dad friends. Next maternity leave I will be a much more frequent baby/toddler group attendee! The older your kids get- the more you value other parents around you ime.

OP- I also love the idea of both going back part time and have also done this. It sounds like you've really put a lot of thought into making your relationship equal and prioritising family life. I'm sure it will pay dividends in your future happiness.

Good luck!

[fledermaus]

I think it sounds lovely too. We have had a similar-ish experience with both children as DP works very flexibly from home, so is around a lot.

One of the biggest benefits for me has been that we haven't had the problem of the baby preferring one parent/only "letting" mum put them to bed etc so I think it's been easier to enjoy looking after a baby knowing that it isn't all down to you. We've both been able to have lie-ins, settle children in the night, pursue hobbies/social lives.

[splendide]

We're doing this! Well nearly, DH works freelance from home and we have enough savings that he can take on nothing if necessary. I think it'll be great!

[Littlef00t]

My DH was made redundant 2 months before dd was born and went back to work full time when she was 4 months old.

I really enjoyed having him around until about 3 months, but after that, I had got the hang of looking after a baby and lack of sleep wasn't such an issue and to be honest i felt slightly restricted by him being there.

There's only so much a non-mobile baby needs who is only awake for 10 hours a day.

As we were doing things as a family I wasn't going to so many baby groups and so as my 'normal' social life diminished my 'baby' social life did suffer. I guess you would go and do lots of fun things, but a 2 yo would appreciate that much more than a 6mo.

I would personally save your money from 3 months onwards and go part time, or have long holidays when your child(ren) are older.

I can appreciate you are keen to bond with your child, which I'm really glad my DH did, it made all the difference to our relationship and to his relationship with dd, so the money might allow you to take a lesser paid job that means you're around at home more.

[Idontseeanyicegiants]

It sounds lovely that you can both go through the young baby phase together, with any luck it will make things much, much easier for all of you. Agree with pp's though that you should consider the second child possibility before you commit to anything.
Also consider your personalities, I love my DH, I really do, we've been together for 17 years and have 3 children. He only got paternity leave for our third and I was extremely glad to wave him back off to work a week early (and he was rather glad to get back to normal).

[titchy]

I think it sounds a lovely idea. In principle.

In reality though you will probably stifle your wife's desire / need to join baby groups; be somewhat surplus to requirements beyond three months, and drive both of you beyond mad and bored with each other by the end.

Have a few months off then go back to work (pt fine), use the spare cash to pay for a cleaner, a few nice breaks away, and save the rest for child number two when you will definitely be needed.

[fledermaus]

Why would one parent be surplus to requirements beyond 3 months

Even with DP around a lot, I still went to baby groups and made mum friends and socialised without him.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

DH was at home for about a month when DS was born, and it was lovely though I did quite like it when he went back to work and I could start doing NCT type stuff on my own and branch out beyond his company.

If we had had a year, though, we would have travelled : if only we had realised how cheap and portable a small bf baby is compared to a toddler or older child...

[CornChips]

I don;t understand either itchy. The DC is the DC of both parents, not just the mother. One thing that I really regret about DH taking the regular paternity leave (and travelling for work) is that he always felt that DS and I formed our own bonded unit and he was an outsider. The reality was I felt that too- we had our own routine and DH only got in the way. DS is 4 now, and DH is only really coming into his own as a father. I stifled that I think. I regret that hugely.

[Blu]

Titchy - would you say that to a woman?

[dreamingbohemian]

Nothing wrong with not going to baby groups actually -- I never bothered.

In fact, because DH was around so much and equally good at caring for DS, I found I could just keep my usual social life with my existing friends, which was lovely.

Anyway why can't they both go to baby groups?