I need some perceptive on this situation please

[mrsmugoo]

I hope MN can help me get some perspective on this situation, maybe I'm not seeing the wood for the trees.

I have a 4.5 month old. My DH is working away a lot so I am spending chunks of time just the two of us.

He's been quite hard work since he was born - not really sleeping day or night and I've had a lot of help from my in-laws especially my MIL and my SIL who also has a baby 2 months older than mine.

Just recently DS has started to sleep much better both day and night and has established a bit of a "routine" of his own. This really suits me, because if I can make sure that he gets proper sleeps when he's tired he'll stick to a set bedtime and not get up for the day until 12 hours later (dreamfeed plus one other night feed). Bedtime has been in the region of 7:30-8. Getting up at 7:30-8am is totally fine by me!

His last nap of the day is especially important because if he wakes up too early (e.g. falling asleep in the car seat for 15 minutes) then he'll either be grumpy and overtired and I have to stretch him out to bedtime OR we have early bedtime (which means early wake up and then the next day's "routine" is out of whack). He's a catnapper anyway at best, so I always try to make sure when he sleeps he gets his full 40 minutes. He'll only do 3 sleeps now, we dropped the 4th nap a new weeks ago.

I have to say I'm not a routine person - I've always been completely baby-led (he's EBF on demand) so I am definitely not ruling my day by the clock but now that we have fallen into a good pattern of napping and night time sleep I am planning my days around it and trying to keep it this way. I'm finding it quite liberating compared to previous weeks where I wouldn't know if I was coming or going half the time!

He's going through a phase where all he wants to do is sit/be upright, but obviously can't sit unaided at the moment and grizzles if he's held for more than about 10 minutes (he hates the bumbo). If I put him down on his playmat he will immediately flip over onto his tummy (practising his newly mastered skill!) So we have a cycle of be held sitting up for 10 mins, grizzle. Be put down - roll/cry/roll/cry… be picked back up etc… repeat all day.

I have a big "bean bag" thing at home (It's not actually a bean bag as that would be unsafe, it's a massive firm cushion thing) that I put him on and he can't roll - he'll lie there with some toys for a bit which is a nice break for me to have a cuppa/go to the loo/not hear him grizzle. Or we go out on long pushchair walks. I'm totally cool with spending time with DS at home in my own space and going out for walks when things get too much at home. I love my own space and love my own company!

I've politely declined a few social engagements recently because I know they will either clash with his napping and there won't be anywhere I can easily get him to nap or that I know I will not be able to actually enjoy myself because I'll just have to entertain a grizzly baby being held, put down roll/cry/roll/cry etc….

I am getting judgey comments from my SIL/MIL about "not shutting myself away" , "chilling out on the routine" , "not being rued by the clock" and that it's "unhealthy" to be so ruled by my baby, I should fit him in around me not the other way around etc.. My SIL keeps telling my how liberated she feels having been out to a few social events recently where she's put her DD down to sleep in her pushchair and stayed out past bedtime and has been quite judgey when I said I'd rather not do this as I'm enjoying finally getting some sleep and I'd rather not risk unsettling him by transferring from pushchair to car seat to cot (and risk him fully waking up) just for the sake of a couple of hours at a barbecue . I'm also feeling quite irritated that SIL is chiming in like this as I don't feel it's her place to be commenting on my parenting choices and comparing them to her own way of doing things.

I've also politely declined the offer of going to stay at the IL's for the weekend while my DH is away working because I would prefer to be in my own space. Plus my MIL has what is starting to become a quite annoying habit of always trying to rock DS to sleep whenever she holds him - which is what she did a lot of when he was a newborn and at the time it was a godsend. Now he can sleep independently and hates being manhandled like that. I keep trying to politely tell her he would prefer to be played with on the floor now he's bigger rather than being held over shoulder and rocked/jiggled etc… (this just makes him cry - and then she will say "oh I think he has a tummy ache/wind etc… - he doesn't, he would just prefer not to be smothered)

I'm now starting to feel paranoid that I'm being PFB/neurotic?? I don't feel like I am - I just feel like I'm enjoying spending time with my baby and responding to his needs in the way that is best for him / least stressful for me. He'll only be in this needy stage for a relatively short period of time and then I can do all the summer barbecues and nights out I want!

Can I get some perspective on this??

[Seriouslyffs]

I think of you're effectively the sole carer for long chunks of time, you should do it exactly as you please. It's all very well for family to suggest nights out and rock him to sleep, when you'd be literally the one left holding the baby the following few nights or even weeks.
I would however take up their offer of a weekend away. The benefits could be massive- change of scenery, adult company chance for ils to spend time with the baby and feed you, and its showing good will. If it doesn't work, you can say 'it was lovely spending time with y'all but boy did I pay for the disruption when I got home'.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

'I'm rather enjoying it at the moment, thanks for your concern though MIl/SIL'.

[CultureSucksDownWords]

I don't think you need any perspective, I think you are being completely reasonable

Perhaps your MIL and SIL are struggling with their shift in roles. They were, when your baby was newborn, acting as experts and being people that you took advice/help from. Now that your confidence has grown and you know your baby, you don't need to ask for advice and help in the same way. They might be feeling a bit disgruntled and rejected. What they shouldn't be doing is complaining to you about this!

It might be time for the mumsnet classic "did you mean to be so rude?" when they say critical or complaining comments. Those comments you quoted are really off and deserve short shrift in return. I think I might add that you're not being ruled by a routine but simply doing what will work for you and your DS. If you know he won't sleep or be miserable then you're right not to go to an event. Stick to your guns and call your relatives on any dismissive/rude comments they might make.

[RitaConnors]

My dd1 had a routine and I loved it. It worked for both of us and I didn't really do stuff that interfered with her sleeping. That's because I was striving for a nights sleep!

[PurplePidjin]

You sound like me - attachment type parent with a Gina Ford baby!

He's very little, and you're doing what's best for him. If MIL and SIL want to mess with his needs to satisfy their own wants then they can sod off or, better, deal with the consequences themselves

FWIW my ds is usually the smiliest, happiest, friendliest 20mo you can imagine (and I do know how lucky I am and that it's more than likely to change when he's older) It's because he sleeps properly. My parents looked after him over night recently and didn't get him to bed till late and they commented that he's like a totally different child - he hits, bites, tantrums, is disobedient, runs off, switches from hysterical laughter to hysterical crying in the blink of an eye well yes I told you that, it's why I put him to bed at 5:30 every day and make sure he naps in his cot

It sounds like you've got the right amount of perspective tbh, you just need to convince the rest of the world :)

[mrsmugoo]

Attachment parent with Gina Ford baby is spot on!

He's not a "go with the flow" baby he's an "I need to sleep after 2 hours awake and I want it to be in my cot" type baby.

I think my SIL thinks I'm trying to force a routine and that I must be miserable and lonely but she couldn't be further from the truth!

I said to her I don't want to mess things up and be up at 6 in the morning and she said that's normal for a 4.5 month old and that I'm being unreasonable to expect to sleep later.

Obviously she's basing this on get own DD who is very unpredictable.

She keeps telling me about a friend of ours who did Gina Ford for her first DC and said she didn't enjoy her baby as much as 2nd DC when she ditched the routines - which is obviously trying to make a point to me!

[PurplePidjin]

Heavy-handedly imposing anything on a baby just leads to upset - whether that's a GF style routine on a free and easy personality or a free and easy lifestyle on a routine-led baby. The books seem to forget that we're raising little people who have their own preferences!

I have to say I struggled when ds found his routine (he was later than you, didn't kick in till weaning when he had 3 meals a day to base it around) but now he's settled into having an hour + of nap in his cot and I get a sit down with a cuppa before lunch I cope much better!

[Branleuse]

im rubbish at routines in general but i had them each time when my babies were tiny as so many babies just thrive on them. I had the same comments tbh but it worked for me and it isnt forever.

[smokeandfluff]

Another accidental gina baby here (but without a lovely 2 hour nap). Always thought people putting their babies to bed at 7 was a bit crazy, but at around 4/5 months ds started crashing out at 7pm and we couldn't keep him up any later. Also sleeps best in his cot, so we are housebound around nap times.
Op-be firm with your in laws, if the routine is whats best for your ds and yourself, then stick with it. Your inlaws don't have to try and settle an overtired baby when his bed time is messed up!
It does improve, ds used to be impossible to settle if hegot over tired, but since about 7 months he can manage a much longer awake time after lunch, and settles easily enough when tired

[Diamondsareagirls]

OP you've found a routine that works for you and it means you can get some sleep! Hurray! Ignore your stupid SIL and her angelic baby that can be whisked around social events and sleep on the go. Your SIL is the one who needs some perspective that it's my like that for everyone and you are doing a fab job on your own for the majority of the time.

If you are happy with how things are (and it's still relatively early on) then carry on as you please. X

[LabradorMama]

I too have an accidental Gina baby and I also have several friends who had babies at around the same time. They are all happy to tote their babies around to social events at each other's houses, letting them sleep - or not - whenever they fancy it. Sadly that just doesn't work for me and DS.

They are also up all night with their babies. They are all 9-11 months old now and theirs are all still having night feeds while DS has been sleeping 7-7 since 16 weeks. They think I'm an overprotective, routine-obsessed nut job I'm sure, when they are all at each others dinner parties with babies still awake at 10pm. DP and I have had 2 nights out since DS was born but we've had a hell of a lot more sleep than they have. I know which is more important to me

So don't worry what anyone else says OP, you spend the most time with your baby, you know his needs and what works best for him. They are only trying to be helpful I'm sure but need to be told firmly that when it comes to your DC, YOU know best, thanks very much!

[MexicanSpringtime]

Sounds like you've got it spot on. Every baby is different and if you SIL only has one baby she probably think one-size-fits-all. It doesn't.

[MJP1]

It sounds like it's working for you and bub so stick with it ! I did this with my lo and now at 17 months it's still working for all of us, my partner is a police officer so works shifts so I needed to organise a routine for both of us, yes it means that she will only sleep in the cot but that's ok as she can nap anywhere between 2 or 3pm for 2 hours ( although that is reducing as she is getting older) and go to bed wonderfully at bedtime sleeping through.

[PickleMyster]

DS was also a baby/toddler who liked his routine, liked his feeds on time, liked his sleeps at roughly the same time each day and hated sleeping anywhere other than his cot, and I was the mum who was happy to plan mine and his daily activities around that. My mum was also the grandmother who couldn't get her head around this, I remember her saying "you can't plan your life around his routine" well it made my days a hell of a lot fucking easier!! There were a lot of suggestions made that just seemed completely bonkers (and cruel on DS) and I would be the one who had to deal with the consequences .

What you are doing now is OBVIOUSLY working for you and your DS so just stick with it and try to ignore your in-laws. I never had a problem putting DS's need before my wants. They are only little and really needy for such a short period of time. DS is now 5, we were out late last night, something we all wanted to do, we're all fine and we are "getting our lives back!!"

(Over the years I met a few smug parents with flexible babies who become parents whose toddlers/preschoolers who haven't got a routine and won't go to bed - and the no-longer smug parents are tearing their hair out ).

[ReluctantCamper]

as previous posters have said, it's only for a really short amount of time. My DS has/had a strong routine, and we sacrificed some of our freedom to get it established (and to get uninterrupted nights!). DS is 3.5 now, and can be flexible when we need to, e.g. staying up until 10pm for the occasional family party etc. So if it's working for you, just stick with it. It's not forever, and you'll get a lot more sleep than 'go with the flow' parents!

[CultureSucksDownWords]

I would just add that I had a "go with the flow" type baby. This did not (and does not) mean that I got less sleep than parents with a more fixed routine.

There is this assumption with some people that "routine = sleep" and "flexible = no sleep". This isn't true. It's just a different approach. In my case it meant I got enough sleep myself, as I wasn't constantly fighting to get my baby to sleep when he wasn't tired etc.

The OP should do what works best for her and her baby. Other people should refrain from commenting unless she asks for their thoughts.

[mrsmugoo]

Routine doesn't have to be about trying to make them sleep when they're not tired either - I can set my watch around when he'll need a
sleep and I only have to show him his grobag and his eyes are drooping now!

He is desperate to go to bed by 7:30-8 so I don't want to be out somewhere around this time as he will be whingy and no fun to be around.

Bedtime isn't an arbitrary time - it's the time he's tired!

[IDontWantToBuildASnowman]

If it works for you and your baby and you are happy with the outcome (the upsides and the downsides) then frankly its nobody's business but yours.

My first child would only ever sleep in her cot, in the quiet with the curtains drawn. On a number of occasions I tried to be the baby toteing parent at social events, but it just led to melt downs in her, stress in me and very disturbed night sleep as she was really over tired. I had to sacrifice a lot in terms of mixing with others, the what I gained in terms of a happy baby and good sleep more than made up for it.

I would say however that its all very baby driven, in that my second was treated exactly the same in terms of routine but was a totally different character in terms of sleep etc. Both my children benefited from routine (imo all children prefer knowing what's coming - it makes them feel secure) but it was not the routine that made them sleep the way they did. My second has been a bugger with sleep no matter what we do. Just the luck of the draw.

[CultureSucksDownWords]

I know, mrsmugoo, but I do know one or two people who spent a lot of time trying to persuade their baby to follow the routine prescribed by a book (the v famous routine oriented ones), despite the fact that their baby clearly wasn't wanting to follow that particular routine. That's clearly a different case to following a routine that has emerged from identifying your baby's cues.

[toomuchtooold]

Sounds good to me. (Not just because your baby has fallen into the same routine as mine did!). I think you're being totally baby-led, picking up his cues and learning what he likes and what he doesn't, and it sounds like you will be on top of things as he gets older, adjusting to suit him. I think that is totally cool.

I got judged now and again for our routine... I have twins, one was a pretty bad sleeper from the off and it was only by getting them to nap three times a day in the early days that she started to cheer up and sleep better. I sat in the house for three hours a day for the morning and afternoon nap and then took them for a long walk in the park for the late afternoon nap, and then bath and bed always at the same time and always with us. Mother and MIL never did any night feeds for us, I never got out the house for very long, we didn't (and don't) do anything that required us both to be away from the house after bath time. One of my twin friends got angry at me not being available when she wanted and stopped being friends with me, and my mother used to get really annoyed that she couldn't have them sleep on her, DH's relatives were when we used to go over and see their smaller baby and would insist on being away in time for the afternoon nap etc. I don't care - I don't regret a minute of it. I've got two champion sleepers (touch wood) and still get a lunch break when they go down for their luxurious afternoon nap. And at the end of the day people will waltz in, expect you to turn the kids' routine upside down and then once they are fretful and overtired will go home and leave you to pick up the pieces. Bugger that!

[Cathycat]

I agree with you OP. Do what you want as you'll be left with grizzly baby otherwise. I have 4 older children now and have experienced having to put my foot down with relatives. My husband has a tendency to allow a late bedtime on a Friday but he works Saturday and I'm left with grumpy children on the Saturday. My parents tend to offer sheets / pop on Saturday which sends them loopy at night when I want to put my feet up. I now discourage both of these things (to a certain extent). In a few months / years you'll be able to relax your own ideals a little, but you're right, do it at your pace, not theirs. You sound like you have the right idea!

[DirtyDancing]

I am exactly like you! I love staying in with my DS whose 6 months old, and following the routine he has set for both of us.

I love putting him down in his cot for sleeps, having time to really focus on him & his play & not stressing about being out all the time. I do go out now & again to meet NCT friends, to pop to the park or sainsbury, & I go to one kiddie group a week as the interaction is good for him. But I also love staying in all day too!

Everyone is different, some people need interaction & company all the time; others not as much. Do what is right for you & don't give into pressure. As long as you are happy then don't worry ;)