My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

Would you let your kids go on this holiday?

36 replies

4littleones · 26/07/2014 00:39

It's obviously a very long story but I'm going to try and stick to the facts so it doesn't get long and boring to read.

my 2 oldest children are 5 and 6 and I am not with their Dad. we split soon after they were born (becasue he was useless and didn't help at all, didnt work etc and I woke up to what a looser he was). And I raised them pretty much alone with him visiting occasionally when he could be bothered.
The past year or so he had been having them twice a month for a day. He then wanted to take them on holiday this summer holidays. I agreed, being pleased he was finally making the effort. his family are also going, so my kids would be with their cousins so I figgured they would have a great time. now im regretting it massively.
so much is now indicating that I can't trust him. some examples being:

  • he has been caught out using incorrect or no car seats on several occasions. I told him previously that if he did it again he would need to go to court to see them.

since then he did it again last weekend. he then denied all knownlegdge and said the kids were lying. till I asked him to come round and sort it out with him and the kids there so we could work out what really happened. then suddenly he "remembered" Hmm
  • he asked to have them overnight which I thought was odd at the time as he has always refused in the past. they didn't go as I had plans anyway but it turned out they would actually have been sleeping at his new girlfriends flat. not a massive problem on its own but I am pissed off that he was just going to lie and let me think they were at his mum's house (where he currently lives).
  • he has lied about the holiday and it turns out to be his girlfriend and her child they will be sharing a caravan with, not his family. again I have nothing against this girl, but I don't do lies. and I didn't even know she existed till about 2 weeks ago.
  • I can't believe anything he says as everything turns out to be lies.
  • he doesn't seem to be a responsible adult. I don't feel that I can trust him to keep my precious girls safe all week. he has never taken them swimming etc which they will be doing.
  • he has a (very minor)car accident with the kids in the car a few weeks ago. he kept this from me and I found out a few weeks later when the kids told me. what if they had wiplash/injuries that hadn't shown immediately? I would of ignored complaints of back/neck aches (daughter is one who moans everything hurts). I should of been informed so I could keep an eye on them.


I don't know what to do. They will be devistated if they dont go. and I will be the bad one. But what if something happens?! what if he doesn't supervise properly? what if he is lying about other stuff?

I have also had messages from who was his close friend until recently. they had been close since they were children. but have fallen out over the new girlfriend (to the point that police are involved.) and he has been messaging to warn me that she is a nasty piece of work. Confused
He does seem to have a history with her though so not sure how reliable the information is.

I've sat in tears over this most nights lately. I don't know what to do. It seems like a total mess. Sad
OP posts:
Report
4littleones · 26/07/2014 02:21

we are considering not letting them go but then taking them somewhere even better instead. but don't know how they will take it. or what to tell them.

Their dad knows I am having doubts and hasn't made a huge amount of effort to convince me that he can be trusted. Sad

OP posts:
Report
AcrossthePond55 · 26/07/2014 03:46

Frankly, I wouldn't. He just has too much form for lying that you wouldn't be able to trust anything he says regarding car safety, lifejackets near water, or that they would be adequately supervised. And the fact that you don't know the woman who will be accompanying him would seal the deal. Nope, wouldn't do it.

Report
lunar1 · 26/07/2014 04:03

If he hasn't had them over night then no I wouldn't let them go. He needs to build up to it and gain some trust.

Report
43percentburnt · 26/07/2014 05:25

No don't let them go. Not mentioning the car accident incident indicates he is an idiot. Did he replace the car seats after the accident?) I am sure a car seat must be replaced after a car accident as it may have incurred hidden damage). Then last weekend, after he has had the accident, he didn't bother putting them in the car seats and lied.

No he doesn't seem to be able to take responsibility for them. Keep a dated diary of events including actual comments from your dc in case he decides to go to court in the future. He will no doubt get funny about his rights as a father at some point in the future...

Report
4littleones · 26/07/2014 05:45

Thanks. he Has had them overnight before. But not regularly and was at his mum's house

OP posts:
Report
MexicanSpringtime · 26/07/2014 06:47

I definitely wouldn't let them go and I have never been the overprotective type.

My daughter's father wanted to take her to the beach when she was three and I didn't let him because he had zero experience of looking after children, one beer and he was drunk and he would have been incapable of being by the beach and not drinking. I just knew it wouldn't safe for her.

Imagine how your nerves would be for those two weeks? Instead of enjoying a lovely childfree fortnight, you'd be a nervous wreck

It's a shame about your children's disappointment, but when I was young my mother wouldn't let me go out in a boat because there were no life-jackets and it seemed so horribly unreasonable to me. But so what, I am here to tell the tale and personally I would never let a child of mine go on the sea in a boat without a life-jacket no matter how disappointed they were going to be.

Report
SanityClause · 26/07/2014 06:58

I'm inclined to agree with PP.

You have told him he would have to take it to court to see them if he didn't use car seats correctly. And he still doesn't use them correctly. There is your get out clause.

It is the lying that's an issue. Does he understand that, at all?

Report
Only1scoop · 26/07/2014 07:03

No I wouldn't let them go as he sounds irresponsible and isn't used to having them. I wouldn't however take them 'somewhere even better' as its not a competition.

Report
Mumof3xox · 26/07/2014 07:08

I wouldn't let him either

I remember your thread last week

My oldest two are 5&6 and I would hit the roof if they were not using correct car seats. You can't trust him. He isn't even attempting to gain your trust

Report
ExcuseTypos · 26/07/2014 07:18

No don't let him take them on holiday.

I can't believe he called his own dds liars, rather than admit they riding use the right car seats! He's also lied about the accident and who the children will be going on holiday with. There's no way he can be trusted. I'd also be very conserned about the friend saying the new gf is a nasty piece of work.

Report
4littleones · 26/07/2014 08:20

I wouldn't be having a childfree week - I have a newborn and an 18 month old. so that bit doesn't effect me so much. certainly doesn't do me a favour when they go to him and like you said I would worry the entire time.

if it were just him then I wouldn't even consider it but his Mum, Brother and sister are also going. along with their children. None of them are much more trustworthy though to be honest. But one would hope that put all of them together would manage for a week. But now that he is still lying I don't know Sad

As for it not being a competition. thats not what I meant. it isnt to compete with him. It's more to soften the blow to the kids. The holiday is a week away and they have been counting down the days. If they just don't go then they will be devistated and it will be me picking up the pieces. However if it's more of a "unfortunately you arnt going but we will do x y and z instead" then I hope they wouldn't feel quite so upset. We already have a weeks holiday booked so we wouldn't do that. But they have been asking to visit cbeebies land which we have said not at the moment to. We could maybe do say 2 days there which is what I was thinking on the lines of.

what on earth am I meant to tell them??? I just want to cry every time I picture the look on their faces when I tell them. They are so good and well behaved. They don't diserve this Sad

OP posts:
Report
whereisshe · 26/07/2014 08:26

There is no way I would let anyone look after my kids if they hadn't used a car seat for under 5s. That's just beyond stupid. And he's had a car crash as well. It doesn't matter if the person in question shares genes with them or not, there has to be a line. As a result I wouldn't let them go on the holiday, unless I was there too.

Your instincts are telling you what to do. If he wants to holiday with the kids he needs to prove he has a clue how to be a father first.

Report
oohdaddypig · 26/07/2014 08:29

Nope. I wouldn't let them go. He is inept, lies to hide his ineptness and there are indications his girlfriend is unpleasant.

Report
4littleones · 26/07/2014 08:36

Thanks for all the replies.

They are not under 5, they are 5 and 6 and it actually turned out that by law there are many loopholes that allow him to do this legally.

what do I tell them?! My 5 year old isn't bothered about him and I think if he dissappeared then she wouldn't be bothered. she has a really strong bond with my partner. my 6 year old on the other hand seems to think he is the greatest man alive. Sad

OP posts:
Report
Gileswithachainsaw · 26/07/2014 08:38

Another No here and I'm usually pretty relaxed.

If they were older they could sort themselves out but at that age they will rely totally on him to get them fed/transported/put to bed etc.
Twice a month and no over nights is pathetic, I see my friends dog more than that. he won't have a clue as to how to deal with them fir a holiday 24/7.

Report
ilovepowerhoop · 26/07/2014 08:47

the only way they can legally travel without a car seat is if they had reached the height of 135cm or were travelling in a taxi. What other loopholes are you talking about

Report
Coconutty · 26/07/2014 08:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

4littleones · 26/07/2014 08:55

powerhoop- I mean like last week. he put my 5 year old in a car seat, his girlfriends son in the other car seat and my 6 year old in the middle. I flew off the handle about it being illegal and unsafe. But it turns out that because a third seat won't fit in, its legal Sad Shock Hmm

OP posts:
Report
Hurr1cane · 26/07/2014 08:56

I wouldn't. No way

Report
ilovepowerhoop · 26/07/2014 08:59
Report
catnipkitty · 26/07/2014 09:02

No. I wouldn't let them go, they are still very young. Maybe in a few years when they can make their own decision given all the facts. Parents sometimes have to be 'the bad guy' so if they're upset with you they'll get over it.

Report
ExcuseTypos · 26/07/2014 09:08

I agree with what Coconutty suggests.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

4littleones · 26/07/2014 11:27

they are going to ask why though. This is the bit I'm not sure on..what do I tell them?

OP posts:
Report
4littleones · 26/07/2014 12:56

I don't think I am going to let them go. But I do need to give them a reason. I have told their Dad and he has offered to send loads of photos of them so I am reassured. but I don't think it really changes much? As the whole point is that he can't be trusted. He said he will take a picture everytime they are in the car etc. but he obviously wouldn't take a photo if he was doing something wrong so it doesnt really help.

I do feel like I'm taking away what would probably be a week of happy memories and bonding time. And what would fill a whole week of the summer holidays with good times. Sad

OP posts:
Report
NigellasDealer · 26/07/2014 13:00

tell him there have been too many lies

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.