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What to do about other children being mean to DS?

2 replies

SittingInTheKitchenSink · 24/07/2014 13:31

Hello!
DS (9) was at his childminder's retirement party yesterday ... when I got there, one of the other children told me he'd been crying. I asked him about it and he said that childminder's granddaughter had said "Bye. No one likes you anyway". This is the slightly younger child he has been at childminders with for over 6 years. I hated to think that his last day at childminders would be marred by memories of the kids being mean
I called her over and had a quiet word (didn't give out to her, just said DS was a bit upset and that it would be really lovely if she could say sorry or even just give him a big hug before we went).
She couldn't remember having said it... Hmm
Anyway when we went to leave, little shit girl didn't say sorry, give him a hug or do anything nice, despite me giving her significant looks.

I feel like talking to now ex childminder about it because I'm so upset and angry.

I may be making too much of this but:

  • this is most definitely not the first time that DS has had these sorts of comments; it happens a fair bit
  • this is a child he has been with since she was 2 and he was 4
  • the few occasions anything like this happened to me still have the power to upset me and I really hate to see the same thing happen to her.


DS is v bright, v imaginative and talkative, but can be a bit bossy and obsessive so I can see why he might be annoying. But that doesn't excuse the nastiness...
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DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 24/07/2014 14:30

You have taught your DS to respect others and behave properly I'm sure but you say yourself he can be on the bossy side. From that girl's pov he might have been dominating and a thorn in her side? She's two years' younger too so it would be like having a tiresome big brother to compete with at her grandmother's. Not saying your DS goes this far but bossiness can verge on bullying.

However, one girl saying something she knows will hurt is not necessarily what every DC there thought of him.

Ime most children don’t want to make people dislike them or get into trouble. They’re young, somewhat naive, and as in her case, sometimes capable of extreme bluntness.

More often than not keeping your tone light like that and trying to address a DC on an equal footing goes well. And if they're in earshot the adults don’t get upset.

If the CM herself has never mentioned any big antagonism or conflict between these two I would honestly shelve it.

At the time I would have told DS to pay no attention, she just wants granny to herself.

But later I would have talked to him about how we get along with people generally. How being full-on can overwhelm others, and how they might feel. Does he sustain friendships? He has to try and keep that assertiveness in check. Or he will get corrected by his peers. Do you ever witness him being bossy? Praise DS lots when he's being good. Confidence and forthrightness are great qualities.

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Looseleaf · 24/07/2014 20:41

I would be upset too, but more because he had been with a child he didnt particularly get on with - if this one situation was representative which it might well not be. It sounds as if their characters weren't great together and when dd has this (with one friend whose friendship can be slightly stressful to her) we just keep a distance and things ease.
It is also hard to know how hard the little girl found the amount of interaction they have had so it's hard for an outsider to judge - I'd be upset and cross the childminder hasn't mentioned anything though and would be tempted to have a gentle conversation to say this last comment upset you and to ask had the girl's reaction to your DS been a problem before?
Do tell your DS there are so many types of people in the world and even as grownups there are some who we fit in easily with and others- perhaps through no fault of their own- might be harder to be friends to. And maybe even ask in a relaxed way if your DS knows why she was unkind towards him and could he think of a way he could have helped that as an open question might be valuable and help him too?
Sorry you are upset and sounds good he'll have a change

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