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How to deal with this...?

8 replies

RAFWife12 · 23/07/2014 19:33

Ok, so I know I am being ridiculous, but I can't help it.
DD is 3 and a half weeks old, born 5 weeks premature. We are all at home and generally doing well. She is exclusively breastfed, and feeding every 2 hours roughly. She has some problems with gas, but otherwise well.
Next month we are traveling to see our parents for roughly 2 weeks, DD will be 6 weeks (1 week adjusted age). The plan is to spend a week with each set of parents. However, I do not want to spend a week with DH's parents, I would rather just stay with mine. I know that is unreasonable - but that's just how I feel. Obviously I don't mind seeing DH's parents and spending time with them, it's the being there overnight that I am worrying about.
I am more comfortable with my parents than DH's parents. I find MIL quite judgey and interfering - I know I am not the only one! I worry there will be a lot of unsolicited advice - and at 5am when DD is unsettled I will not deal with it well at all. At my parents house we would be staying on a whole different floor of the house to them, so wouldn't feel DD is disturbing them so much through the night. At DH's parents we would be in a room next to them and the walls are fairly thin. MIL is a very light sleeper and tends to be up at stupid hours of the morning. There is less space at DH's parents too.
I've tried to speak to DH about this, but I know he doesn't really understand. I also feel like a total b*tch saying I don't want to stay with his family.
What would you do? Or any advice on how to handle staying, with a newborn, in a place I don't feel comfortable?

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ThinkIveBeenHacked · 23/07/2014 19:37

Could you go to DHs family as planned but explain that you are worried you may not feel too comfortable being up at all hours or whapping a boob out regularly, and that if after a couple of days, you want to, can you either go back to your folks or head home?

Your ILs may surprise you, so its only fair to give it a go.

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ToesAndFingers · 23/07/2014 19:52

I wouldn't go with such a small baby anywhere, be it my parents or whoever else, but then everyone is different. I was too overwhelmed when DS was that age.

Can they come to visit you instead or you don't have space to accommodate them?

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ToesAndFingers · 23/07/2014 19:53

Oh and you are not being ridiculous! As I said I felt too overwhelmed as first time mum...

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RAFWife12 · 23/07/2014 20:03

We have a lot of family and friends near to our parents, cannot have them all visit us. Hence the trip to them.
ThinkIveBeenHacked - I think I will be wanting to come home sooner anyway, 2 weeks seems a long time now!

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Diamondsareagirls · 23/07/2014 20:19

OP I think you are amazing for going to visit them with such a little baby. Is there a reason you have to go to you PILs? Can't they come to you and stay in a hotel? Surely you have dealt with enough with a new baby, being born prematurely etc. I don't think you should have to put yourself through the stress this early on. x

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KatyN · 24/07/2014 10:00

Firstly, it's next month - a LOT can happen in that month. Try putting the worry away in a box and decide to worry about it nearer the time. If you still feel that strongly then, you can decide what to do at the time. (if it was me I would get myself into such a state in the next month).
Secondly, (when you do start thinking about it) think about how you can make yourself comfortable at your pils? I might have been a smidge overbearing to my MIL (and anyone else but I remember to her) when my son was small (he spent 2 weeks in NICU so I was over precious maybe). He was bottle fed, but I didn't let anyone other than DH feed him. I remember my MIL coming in one night to ask if she could help and finding me sat on her bed totally starkers (and coping fine). she didn't ask again! I also remember my son getting quite upset and my mil and gmil both trying to soothe him. In the end I took him away and went into the hallway on my own with him. He was calm and content in seconds. (I was very smug). Then when he got upset again, they would defer to me if I was hovering.

I really like my MIL. She is totally reasonable and understands where I was coming from. We have talked about it since. It was just how I was feeling at the time and how I coped with it.

but really try not to worry yet. whatever you decide to do it will be fine

kxx

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IDontWantToBuildASnowman · 24/07/2014 11:44

I agree with the others that travelling with a baby that young is a huge deal anyway, so can you maybe go down the line of it feeling like moving house for the second week is like travelling all over again? I know the actual distance/travel bit isn't that huge, but tiny babies don't travel light and having things "set up" where you are going to be, with sleeping areas, changing areas, bathing stuff etc, is a lot to have to pack up just to unpack again a few miles away (I am assuming your folks live fairly close to each other) and it doesn't really seem favourable to the baby to be uprooted twice like this. If your DH's parents can easily visit while you are there, and you plan to visit them lots, then I think everyone should be thinking of the baby's needs first. Mind you, I know from experience that a new baby in the family (especially a baby who is the first of a new generation) can make some people act totally selfishly and even people who have had babies seem to effortlessly forget how hard it is.

Good luck getting what you want, I totally understand why you want to stay with your parents and I think this is the right thing for you and your baby.
xx

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RAFWife12 · 24/07/2014 12:39

My parents and DH parents are a 20 minute drive from each other. All of DH family live a few minutes from his parents. Both sets of parents have been up here to visit, but friends and family coming up too would be too much all round. This way everyone can meet DD in less intense short bursts as they won't have an 8 hour round trip!
Katy - I like your style! DD was also in NICU for 2weeks, but is surprisingly healthy for her size and prematurity.
Will tackle issue again with DH nearer the time. Maybe when he sees how stressful getting to my parents is, he'll agree with me!

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