How do you explain 'stranger danger' so they get it without frightening them?

[RachelWatts]

I haven't taught DS1 'stranger danger' as statistically, more children are abused by someone they know, and I feel that if you teach them strangers are dangerous then they think once someone isn't a stranger then they're safe - which is worrying.

But due to the eldest brother of one of DS1's classmates being approached by a man claiming to be a football talent scout in the local park, I need to tell him to be wary of strangers, but he doesn't understand.

I have told him that if a stranger talks to him in the park, he is to say he's to say he's not supposed to talk to strangers and then come immediately to tell the adult he's with. He responded that if the stranger went away he wouldn't bother to tell anyone about it.

I told him that in the park, he must stay where I can see him and he is not allowed to go into the trees. He said that he'd still go in the trees but he'd tell me where he was, which to be honest is an improvement but his idea of telling me where he is is yelling "I'm going into the trees!" from halfway across the park and then running off as fast as he can.

He's only 5, and he has no idea that there are people in this world who can hurt or kill little children like him.

[AMumInScotland]

I focussed on behaviour that would be risky, rather than on 'not talking' to people. So, not to go anywhere with anyone without coming to check with me first. Not accepting sweets or drinks from anyone without checking with me first. Telling me if anyone made him unhappy or uncomfortable (which means I heard a lot of things about what his friends did and said which he didn't like, but hey, better listen so he knew I would always listen!)

Ialso focussed on the idea that I would be worrying about him, rather than him being at risk, as that was more of a motivation for him.

You can also make it clear that it's ok to shout and scream and make a big fuss if anyone tries to make him go anywhere or do anything he doesn't like.

[kaffkooks]

The best system I've heard of is that the child always has to tell the adult he is with that he is going away with another adult. Don't think I'm explaining this very well but basically if child is in park with mum and wants to go with hsi friend's mum he has to come and tell his mum that he is going. That way you can check who they are going with so if he says "I'm going away with this football talent scout," you can say no. This is very relevant to me as my sister has mental health problems which means that she cannot be trusted with children however, most people don't know this so would happily let my son go off with his aunt. Using this system I will always know who he is going with.

A similar option is having a list of only 4 or 5 special people that your child is allowed to go with.

[LoblollyBoy]

Like kaffkooks I tell DD that she has always to say, "I'll check with my mummy first," on the basis that the mummy needs to know where the dd is. I have already come across the sort of confusion that the textbooks mention about who is a "stranger" and "talking to strangers" - the man from the baked potato shop was recently declared "not a stranger" by dd. They talk quite a bit. Clearly, I'm not up for them going off together, though! So, the rule applies to everyone - proposal from SIL that dd goes with her to buy an ice-cream? Check with mummy first.

[ParsingFlatly]

I think you have to tell him there are people in the world who hurt and kill little children.

With lots of reassurance that most people don't, of course. But you're not doing your DS any favours protecting him from being a little bit frightened of harm - thus making them vulnerable to that harm.

I still remember being told by my parents that there were people who wanted to harm children, and I remember my disbelief. Until then it had never crossed my mind that adults might be like that.

At the moment, your stranger rules are just arbitrary rules to him, like putting your good shoes on for going out, or eating dinner before pudding. An (age appropriate) explanation of bad people is needed to make him take it seriously.

[Hakluyt]

"I think you have to tell him there are people in the world who hurt and kill little children. "

Not at 5 you don't.

"I have to tell mummy first" is the thing to do.

[ParsingFlatly]

OK, I was repeating the OP's language: I don't mean literally say that people kill children.

But some age appropriate explanation that baddies exist, and can pretend to be nice, so it's always important to check with mummy first. Rather than this be yet another rule without a rationale.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

We're teaching ds (3.8) that he must always ask us before going off with someone. We've been forced to put in place some soft boundaries due to his friendly and outgoing nature. On holiday recently he disappeared into someone else's caravan, prompting us to talk to him. He was only in there for a minute or two but he just loves talking to people. I wouldn't use scare tactics with him as it would come as a huge shock to him and I don't want to discourage him from being confident around others.

[DIYandEatCake]

Dd (3.5) and I had this conversation the other day (she was asking why she had to stay where she could see me at all times, one of our rules). I explained that children are some of the most precious things in the world and there are a few very bad people who try to steal children for themselves and take them away from their parents (I didn't say anything about hurting or killing at this stage - the thought of being stolen away was awful bough for her). That as long as she could see me and hear me (or whoever is looking after her) she is safe. She knows that she must always ask me before going anywhere with anyone or accepting anything off anyone - she is very shy and wary of strangers though so we haven't had to discuss 'talking to strangers' too much yet.