Is this standard growing up boy anger and bad parenting or something more serious?

[summermothering]

I am hoping that someone can help us as we do not know what to do. We think we must have done something wrong with parenting our son as we have a very unhappy situation and he is just 6. Generally:

He always wants to get his own way (probably not that uncommon in young children). If he does not get what he wants he kicks off quite a lot of the time very quickly.

He often refuses to do what he is told. We ask nicely and then when ignored several times we have to demand and he still often will not do as he is told.

Maybe most worryingly he equates getting what he wants to love. Conversely he believes that if he does not get what he want you hate him. So very quickly we will be told "you don't love me, "you never loved me" or " I wish I could just run away" with violent tears etc.

He is very very sensitive. He hates being told off or criticised at all - even if we said something like that was good but that [fill in the gap] could be improved he would see this as criticism and would kick off and then say that we were not being nice. One bad thing in his eyes will ruin an entire day of good things.

He is always looking for attention and seems incapable of amusing himself at all. We spend loads and loads of time with him doing all sorts of activities but it never seems to be enough.

He hates supposed injustice. So if he plays for example football and someone cheats during a game he often has a meltdown. If he sticks to rules he goes nuts if others don't.

Do you think these are normal (bad) parenting issues or the sign of something else. Normal "tactics" just do not seem to work with him. We have tried. Playing hardball just escalates matters and the more we put our foot down the more he thinks we hate him.

What can we do to try to improve this? It is almost as if the way he sees certain things is wrong - how can we correct the way he sees any criticism or him not getting his own way as us not loving him? Some of you may think this is just a try on on his part but I really think he sees it like this.

Do you think we need to see a professional and if so what sort? a parenting person to tell us what we are doing incorrectly - a psychologist - no idea what sort of people are out there that could help. And can we get this help without going through the doctor or school? what type of person would we be looking for? Thanks ladies. Someone please try and put us on the right track and please no flaming as I feel bad enough about this already.

[slightlyinsane]

Hiya if you're doing something wrong then so am I. A lot of what you've described is similar to my ds. He's 4 and I lose track of the amount of times he tells me he's "not my friend anymore" or "nobody likes me" he's only brought the word love into it a few times, he thinks being friends is more important at mo and it's all about getting his own way. I've taken to ignoring a lot of it and he's snapped out of it very quickly or if he's repeatedly telling me he's not my friend etc I usually answer with ok. He's got a response so he knows I've heard him and I'm not going to enter into debate or back down. He's back within 30 seconds telling me he was joking or he's my friend now etc. Depending on what I was told I'll then go along the lines of, you got me again you cheeky monkey or thank you I like being your friend. It wasn't easy to get to this point but I was tired of trying to rationalise with him when he wouldn't listen.

Although a lot of what you've mentioned is "normal" behaviour some of it does sound as though he maybe struggling with certain aspects of how to behave/respond in certain situations. Iwould go and have a chat with his teacher to see how he handles situations at school. Unfortunately it's practically summer hols (I'm guessing you're in England) so nothing will happen now. But if they see similar behaviour be ready to go and speak to new teacher after a couple of wks into next term. It will help you knowing what they do and how he responds.
It's very difficult to comment properly on a child's behaviour without seeing it happen so my next bit of advice is only if your head is telling you some of his behaviour is not the appropriate reaction.
See your gp they may want to refer you on, also keep school fully informed what the Dr has said or done. It will help them decided the appropriate support at school.

[PPaka]

Sounds exactly like my ds, nearly 7.
I find that descriptive praise works very well.
I actually did some parenting classes which really helped

[fairylightsintheloft]

sounds a lot like DS (just 5). He will be happily practising his (appalling) handwriting and I give him lots of positive encouragement but if something is completely wrong and I try to get him to have another go he just crumples and says he didn't do well at all. He does the "you're not my friend" or "I don't love you" thing but I just say, oh well, never mind, maybe we'll be friends later and leave it. In other words, I don't think your DS is abnormal. Maybe just take a bit less notice of some of it so it doesn't become a "thing". I did read somewhere that boys epecially don't do well with over-praising - it sets them too high a standard that they think they have to live up to. Better to praise the effort than the achievement, ie "you really tried there, well done" rather than "wow, that's a fab picture, amazing, brilliant".

[ReluctantCamper]

yy to descriptive praise. Try reading Calmer Easier Happier Parenting , gave me lots of good ideas about how to do this.

[Theyaremysunshine]

I'm far from a perfect parent so feel free to ignore the following if it doesn't feel right to you.

Wanting to get their own way is normal. Rather than saying no, try saying, yes later, or yes if you like we can do a sticker chart and you can earn it, yes if you save up your pocket money etc. If you choose no and he kicks off, I'd say sorry you're sad about that, well chat when you've calmed down and walk away if possible or just sit next to him if not. NEVER give in.

Refusing to do what he's told. I'd say it once. Then say it making sure he's heard (at his level/turn tv off). Then I use 1,2,3 Magic with consequence rather than time out, but reaching 3 is v v rare in this house now. Always say it calmly says the shouty mum, but I am trying.

The love thing is a power play. I just respond with, thats ok, I love you enough for both of us and I always will. Then walk away. Running away - I'm here for you whenever you need me, it's just a test.

Criticism. One thing I've learned with DS is to never combine praise and criticism. I agree re descriptive praise. Never add the BUT. Same as when you say sorry I shouted, but you were... It's not the same as just saying well done. Leave the learning bits as much as possible, he'll naturally want to improve.

V sensitive and hates losing. My DS too. We play board games based on chance so he loses and work on how to lose gracefully. Not easy. Tolerance is also hard learned, but keep saying how we all make mistakes and that's ok - make some on purpose yourself, poor drawing, bad writing, fall over when playing football etc.

Attention/self amusement. I really like the idea on here of a timer. Go and do xyz for 10 mins til the timer goes DS and then we'll do xyz together. Or start something with him such as lego and leave him for increasing period of time.

Injustice. Me too and DS. I just say that all we can do is our best. Not everyone feels the same way about these things. Still grates though and I'm a grown up!

Consider the love bombing idea - spend a day doing whatever he wants, just you and him. Explained better on google.

Read how to talk, it's brilliant, though I do forget.

Speak to his teacher but I honestly don't think he's abnormal at all!

[BravePotato]

Did you say what age he is?

[BravePotato]

Ah 6.

Still very young really