Killing off the house elves: how do you get your dc to help out at home?

[harrietspy]

I have a dream. I'd like to turn out self reliant, helpful, resourceful young men, not selfish slobs who think we have house elves. Please tell me it's not too late! They're 11 and 8 and I haven't really tried in a consistent way to get them to do a share of the domestic stuff.

I'm not talking to those sane and wise parents who got their dc to help out around the house from toddlerhood, but those who've started a bit later.

Any suggestions on how to change the domestic culture, preferably without magic?

[Pantone363]

Start small with a reward. Make them responsible for their stuff, beds/dirty clothes from the day before.

My DCs jobs take a total of 40 mins roughly. They have to be done by 3pm. Usually small bag of sweets as a reward.

DC are 9,6,4

[Pantone363]

Be prepared for moaning! Repeat "I am not your skivvy. We all take responsibility for the house".

Follow through with reward (or lack of!)

[Pannacotta]

Also not great at this but working on it.
Have decided on weekly pocket money and agreed chores, lists drawn up together.
DSs are 9 and 7 so not sure what is appropriate (for p money/chores) but perhaps this thread will help a few of us....

[Pantone363]

I think with weekly rewards it's too far off for small ones to be bothered. I try for a sense of responsibility of their own things and remove the reward when it's second nature.

[ThinkIveBeenHacked]

Put up a blackboard with

"For todays WiFi password do:
x
y
z"

[harrietspy]

Thanks for suggestions and fellow-feeling!

I'm going to try writing down all the jobs that need to be done and getting them to pick one to do every day each week. (This would be in addition to some default jobs like making bed, bringing down laundry, clearing place at meals).

I might also try getting them to do jobs before Xbox or telly can go on in the evening.

For my older ds I might frame it things he needs to learn to be a competent adult, like a sort of training...

[harrietspy]

The wifi one would definitely work for ds1 .

[harrietspy]

Ds1 helped plant some herbs! I think he really enjoyed it.

Ds2 has drawn up a chart for him and his db, so we'll see how that goes. One job per day over and above basics.

[Pannacotta]

Ware your DS1 ok with his chores being drawn up by his brother?
WOnder if I should do the same...

[DownByTheRiverside]

Tied it into a consequence.
Sometimes positive, sometimes a negative.
Pocket money was a positive, not buying treat food at the supermarket was a negative. Likewise when they were a bit older, not giving lifts and them having to walk, 'because I didn't feel like it'

[harrietspy]

Ds1 doesn't think the chart is up to much, but there's only one job a day each on it so far. DS2's ASD came out in the chart making - it had to be 'in a pattern'. Ds1 is going to make the next chart. I told them these were experiments and we'd see which chart worked best. I'm trying to get them to think for themselves on this. We'll see how it goes...

Ds2 really enjoyed emptying the dishwasher today because it was on the chart. I suspect I'll have great difficulty getting him to do anything that isn't on the chart. (His ASD kicking in again).

They're allowed to choose an audio dc each for our holidays when they've helped me clean out the car ready for said holiday.

I've noticed that I've just been more insistent that they help when asked these past couple of days, instead of not asking because I can't stand the moaning...

at riverside. Great idea re lifts, for when Ds2 is older!

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Some great ideas already. I instigated some sort of basic tidying up routine along the lines of toys-in-the-toybox when they were little but later was making a rod for my own back because I accepted they don't see mess, much less find it offensive, and probably don't have any clue as how to tidy up adequately... yet they had the wit to cherry-pick the least effortful chores to help with!

At this stage it's your job to do the serious cleaning and their job to tidy up after themselves. Both of them co-operate, everyone benefits, no more seriously fed up parent(s). One for all, all for one...

After the bedmaking and dishwasher they might move onto other things.

Write clear instructions, show them how it's done, where to access stuff.

Eg Kitchen floor or sofa gets covered with crumbs, get out the hoover, then vacuum.
Skid marks down the loo, use the loo brush and cleaner, scrub, flush.
Stinky trainers, leave outside, scrub in bucket, dry in sun, from time to time apply anti odour spray.

It may be a while before they automatically tidy up after themselves, honestly, no matter how many times you tell them, it'll fly out of their minds whereas the chart idea (and a small reward) can really help them focus.

You'll do them a real favour by encouraging this before they leave home, whenever that is.

PS I was watching the Royal Marines commando training programme on Channel 4 the other night, age of recruits ranging from 18 to 32 - the Army certainly thinks hygiene and tidiness is vital for self discipline. The language is rather ripe (!) for your 8 and 11 year old but the message was very simple, get a grip and do things properly.

[ElephantsNeverForgive]

I wait in hope for this to arrive.

DD1(16) can be quite good, DD2(13) has always been the opinion that, as I'm a SAHM, everything is my job.

Since it isn't, her lap top takes holidays in my draw now and then