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Children so naughty I feel like leaving my family

52 replies

kp2014 · 19/07/2014 21:07

This is my first time to Mumsnet, but I literally do feel so desperate and feel unable to express my feelings to anyone honestly so here I am. I'm hoping no one will be able to trace this thread!!

To cut a long story short, I really do feel like leaving my family, I've started feeling this way regularly and honestly don't know what to do about it. All of the joy has gone from being a mum/wife and I'm left with a home life which is literally tearing me to shreds and dragging me into a pit of despair.

On the surface I should feel great, I have a decent home, a good job, a funny and affectionate husband and two great daughters (aged almost 3 and 4 years) however, I just feel like escaping everyone and I feel horrendous for thinking this way.

Every evening my children won't go to bed - now I'm quite realistic, I know having kids is hard but my two scream, cry, kick walls, make themselves sick for approx 3 hours every night. To make things worse they literally scream my name over and over, walk around the house gagging and blubbing mmmuuummmmyyyyy (they're both doing it now)! The hours feel like days and I am left crying most evenings out of sheer exhaustion.

I have tried all of the below for at least two months, maintaining calm, but every single tactic has not made even the tiniest impact:
Reward Charts
Punishment for poor behaviour - I follow through with threats.
Shouting/telling off
Smacking - yes, I know, not hard but a smack on the hand - they just laugh and I'm not prepared to hurt them, even a little, so it seems like a pointless endeavor.
Ignoring is where I am currently at, also not helping at all, in fact the 3 hours episode every night is now currently more like four – they’re really trying their hardest to break me!

My husband is very involved with the kids and is here most nights at bedtime, he has far less patience than me and his stress makes me feel worse, although he helps out as much as me so I’m lucky in that area. We have two sets of grandparents nearby but no one ever helps us/offers to babysit even when they see how hard our kids are. I don’t know why, perhaps because they think our kids are horrendous. We've both expressed our utter despair and no one helps (even though they help one of our siblings with a child, every week almost). We don’t have anyone else who we could leave our kids with so we’ve not had even five minutes on our own without the kids in nearly a year. I feel like we’ve forgotten who we are without the kids which scares me.

Other than the bedtime nightmare our 4 year old has the worst attitude in the world and answers back constantly to the point of rudeness - the kind of behaviour that you would expect from a teenager.

Despite these things they are both good girls, they're not spiteful, they get loads of attention (hubby and I both have approx 2 days per week with each child - we take them out, on holidays, read books etc - so they get everything they need).

I do not know anyone who has the awfulness every night that we have, the three hour screaming fits are starting to reach nearly four hours - this has been happening for around two years so not a phase.

Anyway, I am now at the point where I just don't want to come home anymore despite my work also being quite stressful – this is the only ‘free’ time I have (I work 3 days per week). I feel like hubby and I only see each other with screaming kids in the background, the atmosphere is awful. To make matters worse, husband wants sex if I even come near him (so cuddles are out of the question as he then ends up getting grumpy that I'm not giving him any affection). So my relationship is pretty strained also if I'm honest. The impact of constant screaming is affecting everything. If the kids shut up for a second I feel like I’m in the dog house for not ‘putting out’ quite frankly sex is the last thing on my mind. Despite this, I still manage to ‘put out’ once a week approx. to avoid the nagging from the other half.

I feel like I just don't like anyone anymore, I get pretty much no pleasure from being around anyone. Even when the kids are good I find it hard to enjoy them because I know that they'll be ar*eholes in a few hours. I’ve felt like this for ages and am worried where my feelings will take me. I don’t think I’m depressed, I feel ok at work. I’ve just had enough of everyone. Due to mine and hubbys work pattern there is no way that I could take any time for myself but to be honest, taking time out would maybe make me not want to come back and/or make the family situation any better.

I don’t know what help or advice I am after, I just feel like I’ve been holding my feelings in for so long that I need to vent them someway. I’ve glossed over it with friends but not said quite how bad it is – I’m scared that saying it out loud will set wheels in motion and make things unfixable.

Thanks to whoever reads this – sorry it’s long – it’s nice to know I’ve kind of expressed where I am!

OP posts:
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BravePotato · 19/07/2014 21:11

It sounds really tough.

Could you talk to a GP?

I have had PND myself, and I was lucky enough that my GP picked it up when I came in for something else. I jad this overwhelming urge to want to run away. That is a significant symptom apparently.

Not at all saying you ate depressed! Just maybe have ut checked out?

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Coconutty · 19/07/2014 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BravePotato · 19/07/2014 21:11

Sorry for typos, bloody phone!

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notapizzaeater · 19/07/2014 21:15

Have you spoken to your doctor about this ?

Not a solution for everyone but my son got into a battle,with sleeping and my doctor prescribed phenegan for a week, it broke the cycle and after a week he'd forgotten about the battles and we were all more rested.

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kp2014 · 19/07/2014 21:20

I'm not adverse to talking with my GP - I had PND after the first baby but this is pretty different. I'd almost liken it to when you have a bad boyfriend and you just run out of steam, throw your hands in the air and think - I'm leaving now, I'd be better on my own. Awful really!

The kids did have a bedtime routine, they used to be fine, it's one of those things that has just crept up on us really. They started playing up, their stamina for it increased and here we are! I can reason with the kids in the day, they agree it's not good and say they'll be good at bedtime, but they never are.

They're both good sleepers once they drop off fortunately, that's something I suppose! :)

Thanks for your replies, I'm not expecting an answer, just wanting to vent the frustration!!

OP posts:
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ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 19/07/2014 21:20

I'd also suggest speaking to a doctor.

It also sounds like you desperately need a rest. Would dh support you in having a few nights off on your own? Once or twice a year I take myself off to a localish hotel and have 48 hours of alone time. Bliss!

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Bearandcub · 19/07/2014 21:20

Oh dear, you poor thing.

Ring your health visiting team on Monday and ask for a referral to a parenting course for you both. You both need a boost of confidence in managing your 2.

Ring the Samaritans if its getting bad and talk to someone.

I would imagine your reaction is ramped up by prempting your DPs reaction and trying to stop the situation escalating. He needs to be more patient in order to support you.

Try to speak to your GP re Talking therapies for anxiety. There is no way this situation isn't affecting your mental health.

Make sure you carve out some time for yourself to do something just for you DAILY, be selfish and stick to it.

Tell your children their behaviour is making you feel this way and that you want them to stop. You are all going to make an effort in different ways to fix things.

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Hassled · 19/07/2014 21:21

I'm not surprised you're at the end of your tether - that sounds absolutely bloody awful. Agree absolutely you need to speak to your GP or Health Visitor about this - and don't hold back about how low it's making you feel. Phenergan would be perfect - just something to break the cycle.

While they're screaming around the house, what are you doing? Are they getting the reaction they're looking for? They have to learn that the screaming will never be effective. And your short-tempered husband - is his obvious stress just adding to it - would it actually be easier if he went out for a long walk?

Re the sex demands - you need to sit him down and spell it out. He's being very unfair and selfish, and I can imagine the state you're in that someone pawing at you for sex must feel like hell. Make it clear this isn't forever, no reflection of your love etc but the demands have to stop or you may not recover from this.

And it WILL get better, I promise. These are the nightmare years - you'll get through it. But you're going to need help - talk to your GP.

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ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 19/07/2014 21:21

Oh, and what time does the bedtime routine start ? My ds is pretty shocking at bedtime too but the worst nights are the ones when he's overtired.

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Bearandcub · 19/07/2014 21:22

X-post as took so long to type on phone.

So pleased other people responded too

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ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 19/07/2014 21:23

Just read Bear and Hassled's posts. They sound wise Smile

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frames · 19/07/2014 21:23

What a nightmare. Can grand parents step in for one night to take "extremely tough line" at bed time? Or do something to break the cycle? Could one DC go for an overnight stay with the grandparents?

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Theyaremysunshine · 19/07/2014 21:26

Lots of sympathy. That sounds enough to depress anyone.

Do you have the finances to consider a temporary "super nanny" style nanny to help sort out the evenings?

If not, could you tell us more about how you do bedtime and how you handle the behaviour? Would you consider doing an evening class of some sort once or twice a week and leave your DH to it? If he's getting cross could you have a conversation not at bedtime and agree how to handle it so you're both saying the same thing?

Do either of your children have sen?

For general misbehaviour we use 1,2,3 Magic and I have to say it works a treat with DS age 4, but different things work for different people.

Could you consider a weekend away on your own, and hen let your DH have a weekend too, to recharge the batteries? Know it's hard coping alone but the thought of a weekend of peace may help...

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leeloo1 · 19/07/2014 21:33

I'm not surprised you want to leave! 3-4 hours of screaming would do the same to anyone!

Can you bribe them? Maybe get them to help plan their new room with new duvet covers for 'grown up girls who go to bed on time'?

Or story tapes they can listen to if they stay in bed?

Or could you confuse them by changing their bedtime routine/bedroom completely?

Maybe have a 'bedtime holiday' for a week & let them stay up and watch tv/read in their bedroom(s). Tell them they can stay up as long as they like as long as they are quiet? It may double-bluff them into crawling into bed - or you can scoop them up if they drop where they are?

If all else fails can you go out in the evening and leave your dh to get on with it? Perhaps the 2 of you are dealing with the dds differently and the stress is making it worse? If nothing else it'd give you a break.

I hope it gets better for you. Good luck.

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500internalerror · 19/07/2014 21:34

It really sounds like you're in a catch 22; you need to break the cycle of behaviour but can't. O don't know your house, obviously, so here are reasons why bedtime can go wrong in my house - it might help you pinpoint something...

Dh doesn't stick to the bedtime rules eg he'll let them back up for a 'last snack' & then it's impossible to resettle.

I start mentioning bedtime at least an hour before, to get the idea in their heads. Then I give them an offer of last chance for food/drink.

I make it clear how many bedtime stories will be read, non negotiable.

When it's time for lights out, I'm still around a bit eg putting washing away, so I know they've settled - if I leave straight away they call me back anyway! Dh doesn't do this, he lets them have extra stories then falls asleep in their bed. Which means they wake up unsettled in the night.

They don't get any excitement for an hour before bed. Bit of tv but no games or gadgets, no exciting food etc.

They have their bookshelves close to bed so they can choose and read calmly.

We always have a little chat in bed, as a mental wind down for them.

It's better to be in bed way too early rather than to late, as rheyvgo beserk!

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peppajay · 19/07/2014 21:38

I so feel for you- parenting is so so hard. Mine are 8 and 6 now and it is easier in one respect as they are more independent but the back chat and attitude I am getting from my 8 yr old at the moment is horrendous sounds awful to say it but she ruins our weekends. However at school and clubs and peoples houses she is an absolute angel - she just saves all her defiance and spitefulness for us. My hubby has an exceptionally short fuse and does nothing to help with the children - however he is the homemaker- he washes up, cleans and does the garden. I cook and do the kids. My family find the kids too exhausting, but a lot of this is they cant be bothered to interact with them, to help so I am basically on my own and when they were little I could honestly say I almost walked a couple of times- the thing that stopped me though was the fact that they NEEDED me us no one else I felt then actually gave a about them!!! My DD is extremely defiant and always has been she used to make herself sick most days but constant screaming from wanting her own way. However anywhere but at home or with me she would always be so polite to other children and would never argue- it was like and still is that she has to liked by other people and she hates me and her dad she hates being told what to do. I try not to be to strict but I do have rules- she has a bedtime, and she has to have fruit or crackers if she is hungry and she has already had some chocolate or a biscuit. How are your kids at nursery or playdates??? Like you I tried everything, reward charts, bribery, confiscation of toys and nothing works - the only thing I find that does give me a bit of a break is keeping her active and busy with other kids. We cant stay in for long as she gets bored and then fights and argues all day but take her to a park or invite a friend to a playdate and she is a different child. She also started at a drama group last term and she is excelling. I know you say you do lots with your kids but do they get to be with other children much this is what makes my daughter happy and I get nothing but lovely comments about what a lovely behaved child she is. I have a son who has aspeergers and I find my DD much much harder to parent than him with her constant battle of wills. I hope this has been some help to you just to help you understand you are not alone and that you aren't doing anything wrong - it is normal to sometimes feel like this and when you don't have the family support you feel so alone. I have never ever had a day away from my kids and I know I never will until a long long time away as nobody can be bothered to have them for more then a few hours. Sorry if I waffled bit but have had a bad day of attitude today and prob another one tomorrow!!!

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DirtyDancing · 19/07/2014 21:38

I've got a DS who's 6 months old so no experience directly, but I couldn't read and run.

I agree with theyaremysunshine can you enlist the help of a super Nanny?

I also agree that you need to sit your husband down and tell him exactly how you feel. Can you ask either Grandpsrents directly to mind the kids for you for couple of hours? Perhaps not at night, but one Sunday afternoon, so you can you DH can go for a walk/ Sunday lunch and talk without the kids. Perhaps lay your cards on the table about sex, that you feel at the end of your tether & tell him you think that as a family you need help?

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500internalerror · 19/07/2014 21:39

Also, are they actually tired when it's bedtime? To change their bedtime habits, you might need to physically exhaust them to kick start it? Ie don't keep them up late - that's grouchy tired - but take bikes to the park or something, for the whole day, then go home in time for a quick meal & into bed?

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IsItSummerYet · 19/07/2014 21:40

I'm sure others would be able to day this in
a much better way but my first thought was if you feel like that, imagine how your children feel.

Agree with getting support as others have said and I have been there with difficult bedtimes and inconsistent ways of dealing with it from my OH and I.

Its just sad that they don't seem to have been thought of in this.

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OnlyWantsOne · 19/07/2014 21:43

When my 2 youngest were having a competition who could mess around bed time the most, every night for about 3 weeks I left dp at home with the eldest to do some thing nice and I took the 3 year old and 1 year old out in the car up and down the dual carriageway until they were asleep.

It broke the cycle of bed time battles.

Then one night I stopped and they went to bed as normal like they always had before. Bed story milk teeth SLEEP

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Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 19/07/2014 21:45

Some very good suggestions here, but for mild to moderate sleeps issues. NOT for the horror that the OP describes, 4 hours of screaming from a 3 and 4 year old?! The mind boggles. That sounds hellish, and I can't imagine the oath that has led to that situation.

I think the solution required is much more than a new duvet. I think you need to get external help in. It sounds as though the girls have no respect and simply don't care. I would suggest a tough sleep consultant. Shop around, talk to them, explain the situation. This is not a situation that would suit a gentle soul who loves solving baby sleep issues. You need a someone like super nanny. It will cost you, but I honestly think you need external help to crack this problem.

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ssmile · 19/07/2014 21:45

Our first DD was awful for sleep. I got SO exhausted I pleaded with the GP for something to break the cycle before I broke. So do try talking to them. Prititon was what they gave me just to make her doozy for 3nights for us to reestablish some control. And my DH took it in turns to be the "lead" at bedtimes so the other could have some time out. Even if meant a walk around the block or coffee with a friend.

It must be very hard as it sounds like they are "ganging" up now with them learning from each other. You need strategies to reestablish control as the parent. Do you have a children's centre that could help. Or like other poster said ask grandparent to have one child for 1-2 nights so you can reestablish routine for the other?

Ask for help you can get it, good luck...

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Theselittlelightsofmine · 19/07/2014 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IsItSummerYet · 19/07/2014 22:15

They are 3 and 4, "no respect" and "ganging up" jeez you lot worry be sometimes! Don't you think this out of control situation must be so scary for them. It's no ones fault that its out of control it just happens sometimes and is obviously very tough for all including the OP. but they are very little children.

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IsItSummerYet · 19/07/2014 22:16

*worry me

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