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Parenting

Am I pushing gender stereotypes onto my son?

14 replies

QuietlyCurious92 · 19/07/2014 09:00

Heya, so a bit of advice here would be appreciated. I've a 2.11 yo ds and 4.5 yo dd who are both rather amazing (to me anyway!)

Lately however my ds has started to want to dress up in his sisters princess costumes, any time he sees me painting my nails he wants his done too and wants bobbles/hair clips in his hair. Now my answer to this has always been "but you're a boy sweetie, this is girl stuff, you don't want it." To which he normally just goes and does something else.

He's also got a football that I try and play with him (he really does love kicking that ball about!) But I'm a single mum and he only really sees me and his sister day to day, no involvement from exp so he's got no male role model. I do what I can boy wise that I think he would like but he's surrounded by girls so it's understandable he wants to do girl stuff too.

But am I pushing a stereotype of a boy onto him too much? Should I just let him do 'girl' stuff? I've seen a lot of people comment on how you should let a child explore their gender etc, let them discover what they do and don't like and mostly boys do go through a phase of wanting to do girl stuff.

I guess I'm just worried that if I keep pushing a boy stereotype on him then he'll be unhappy and it might affect him later in life. I would love him no matter what though.

So should I let him do what he wants? Or should I keep trying to show him what boys like to do too?

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JanetLee · 19/07/2014 12:23

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qumquat · 19/07/2014 14:50

there's nothing innate that says boys like balls and girls like painting their nails. I think I'd avoid phrases like 'boys like X' 'this isn't for boys'. Let him play how he wants to play. include your daughter in the football too, make it family play and take gender out of it.

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LastTango · 19/07/2014 19:09

He'll sort himself out whatever you do, I promise you. He will work it all out for himself and by the time he goes to school he will be everyone's idea of a 'boy'.

All boys go through stages of wanting to do what Mummy does. It won't hurt if you indulge him occasionally, honestly.

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goodiegoodieyumyum · 19/07/2014 19:38

My ds 2.8 plays wth dolls, pushes a pram, wants his nails painted, the other day he asked to watch a Barbie movie I let him. He has lots of cars etc you should let him do what he wants he is still young. My dd at the same age played with Thomas the tank and Bob the Builder, she now at 6 loves to dress up as a princess and play with barbie dolls, she also play with Thomas the tank and her brothers cars.

It does sound like you are stereotyping your son a bit.

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tribpot · 19/07/2014 19:50

Please don't send him away when he wants to go 'girl stuff'! Why shouldn't he do the same things as his sister? (And vice versa)

There's no such thing as 'what boys like to do' or 'what girls like to do'. They like to play.

I understand you're trying to compensate for what you perceive to be the lack of a male role model, but just let him find his own way.

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odyssey2001 · 19/07/2014 20:53

Let him dress up as a princess and paint his nails. Take him out for the world to see and be proud that you have an individual instead of a conformist.

My boy likes being knights and animals but he dressed up as Miss Polly (from Something Special) the other day and was really pleased with himself. Why should I ever suppress his individualism or freedom of expression?

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RubyrooUK · 19/07/2014 21:06

I think letting him do the same as his sister is fine. But I hate stereotyping as I have one son who is into football, rough play, running madly around and I have one son who is very sensitive, likes books, crafts and hates rough play etc.

I was buying them both cheap Disney princess wands that make a snazzy "sparkling" sound in the supermarket recently (they love Frozen etc and also wands). They were THRILLED.

Another little boy came over and told his mum that he wanted them. She looked and said "you can't have that - don't be so silly - it's for girls. Boys can't have them". My eldest (sensitive) son spent the rest of the visit saying "but mummy, we're not girls, are we? Why can't boys have wands?" He kept worrying about it. And I was so annoyed at that woman ruining something magical by being sexist.

I just think by reinforcing that boys can't like anything but a narrow set of "macho" activities, we end up with men who think that somehow liking "women's things" are weak or not manly.

Long ramble there - just to say essentially, yes, let your son do what he likes! My brother grew up with just me and my mum - he is very well adjusted and happily married. He spent virtually his whole childhood being dressed as a girl by me and playing with My Little Ponies. Grin

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QuietlyCurious92 · 19/07/2014 22:29

Thanks all, I don't really have a problem with him doing 'girl' stuff, just worried he'll not get to be a boy at the same time iyswim? It really is only me, my dd and my ds, no other family etc around us so I'm worried that'll impact on him.

He does play with dolls and prams etc (got some lovely videos of him feeding baba doll) and I never even considered I was doing things wrong by telling him it's what girls do when painting nails etc until I saw folk posting on here about how their ds do it.

And with regards to football, my dd does play with us too, she loves it but never considered playing with it until my ds was old enough :s

But I think I shall take all of your advice and restrict him a little less (and my daughter too, sudden memories of telling her things were for boys are coming back!) So thank you all, very much appreciated Thanks

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tribpot · 19/07/2014 22:43

"being a boy" is the kind of language you need to try to banish - there's no one way to 'be a boy' any more than there is to be a girl. His job is to be a person!

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RubyrooUK · 19/07/2014 22:48

Don't worry....my mum and I used to worry that my little brother would be able to identify sanitary protection brands before football players. I think he was!!! And he's grown into a lovely balanced man (all the better for being part of a tight-knit unit with me and my mum).

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LittleLionMansMummy · 20/07/2014 09:14

My 14yo stepdaughter paints 3.5yo DS's nails. He's dressed in pink dresses when playing dress up and has loved the handbags. We bought him a toy hoover and kitchen food for his 2nd Xmas. He's a real boy though I assure you. He loves rough and tumble, dismantles things to find out how they work, climbs and jumps off anything he can get his hands or feet onto and is happiest when throwing or hitting balls. Please don't stop your ds playing dress up if any kind. I love this age of innocence and find it sad that at some stage he'll conform to gender stereotypes due to outside pressure.

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tribpot · 20/07/2014 09:30

As far as I can tell, my ds is real too, despite not liking rough and tumble! :) Apologies for labouring the point but this kind of gendered language isn't helpful.

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LittleLionMansMummy · 20/07/2014 09:43

I think the rest of my post speaks for itself. I was responding to the op's concerns in that at that age we should just encourage them to just 'be'. It will make no difference to the outcome.

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qumquat · 20/07/2014 10:41

He might grow up to love football and rough play, he might grow up and continue to love painting his nails and wearing dresses, he might do both; whichever way he will be a 'real boy'.

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