Keeping Grandad Away

[MummyCarpenter]

Almost 2 years ago my husband and his Dad fell out, this was the last in a long line of incidents my father-in-law caused with him. For the last 9 years I have always tried to encourage him to make up with his Dad whenever he did something stupid or hurtful, even though I can’t stand the man. On this last occasion my husband decided that he had finally had enough and could not forgive him anymore and I agreed, since then my husband has ignored his calls & texts. His mum pushed him to call his Dad and tell him we were expecting a baby, the first thing he said was ‘why haven’t you answered your phone’. When my daughter was born we invited the people we wanted to see her into hospital, when his Dad found out his sister was coming he had a go at her for coming and not bringing him with her. When my daughter was 4 days old he showed up on our doorstep (he has never been to our home and we haven’t given him our address, we think he went through my sister-in-laws sat nav.) We live 45min drive for him so it wasn’t just a quick detour on his way home. My husband told him he wasn’t welcome and that he needed to leave. He acted like he didn’t know what he had done wrong or why my husband wouldn’t let him in.

When I was pregnant we agreed that he had no need to see our daughter, he’s not in our lives so why would he be in hers? But my mother-in-law & sister-in-law have been pushing my husband to let him meet her and he is now saying that he thinks his Dad has a right to meet his granddaughter. This is a man who hurt my husband both physically & mentally and now he wants to let him near our daughter. He says that he will let his Dad spend time with our daughter and will discuss her and how she is developing but all other aspects of our lives will be off limits so it’s not like he wants to make up with his Dad.

My view is that spending time with our daughter is a privilege that has to be earned, and he hasn’t earned it. How can I remind my husband that our daughter will be better off without him in her life?

P.S Sorry for the essay

[alikat724]

Hi - please please PLEASE keep this man away from your daughter. If he has the capacity to physically hurt his own son (your DH), his capacaity to damage your DD will be exponential. Grandfathers unfortunately are some of the worst perpetrators of abuse against grandchildren, and the idea of letting him anywhere near your vulnerable little girl just gives me the shudders.

[IvyBeagle]

Time for you to step in with a 'final word' and stick to it, take the decision away from your DH as he will be full of guilt and may feel pressured. 'No' needs no explanation. Your aim is to protect your DD as you would have your DH if you were able.

[CityDweller]

I think it's hard for anyone to answer this without knowing the extend of what he did to your DH. See, my initial instinct (going on my own experience with a crap dad) is to give him a chance, that being a grandfather may be a chance to redeem himself, yadda yadda. It's certainly had a healing effect in my relationship with my father. But, my dad didn't hurt me (physically or mentally, just emotionally!), he was just absent and selfish and a rubbish father.

Trust your instinct. If it's telling you to keep him away then do so. Your DH should respect your wishes.

[PeterParkerSays]

Ask your husband if he would wish the childhood / life he had with his father on his child. If he's anything like my DH (who could probably do a very comparable list to your DH) he'd rather drown the child than put it through the life he had. That is why his father needs keeping away from DH's children. The man is poisonous and is now reaping what he's sowed.

And make sure your SIL and MIL don't get overnight visits with your DD.

In response to "my mother-in-law & sister-in-law have been pushing my husband to let him meet her" - This will not happen. Please stop asking. Repeat ad nauseum,

[Theyaremysunshine]

No, just no.

I have some experience of this so will share in the hope it will help.

My mother is very volatile. She can be sweet, can be vitriolic, can be unpleasant and frankly poisonous. She will always be selfish and only care about others in terms of their impact on her. We had a distant relationship before I became pg. From time to time some disaster would crop up and she'd find a way back in through sympathy, only to do something horrid again.

When I was pg DH and I had to decide what we wanted for our dc. It was a heart-wrenching decision but I decided that some of my greatest hurts in life were due to her behaviour and she was so unpredictable, I couldn't stand the idea that my child might come to love her and let her hurt him by letting him down over and over. So I haven't communicated with her for over 4 years. It's actually a huge relief. I went through a phase of doubt after he was born, was it unfair to DS? But I know it's the right decision. We have a dd also now too, but DS is old enough to ask where my mum is and I just say we don't get on well so we don't see her. It's enough for him just now and I'll tell him more later.

If DS or dd want to meet my mother when they're much older then I will supervise a visit but she will never come here.

What I would say to your DH is this: either he's a good enough person to let into all your lives, or he's not good enough for any of you. Don't let your dd build a bond with a grandparent you strongly suspect may be an emotional or physical risk to her. If you don't trust him absolutely then tell him to stay away. He has NO rights. He can earn privileges.

You have a say too OP. Say no for him.

[MummyCarpenter]

Thank you everyone for yor replys, sorry I have only just seen them as have had no internet access :( My DH has just avoided having the converstion with me as he knows I'm not going to back down. SIL wanted to come visit us a couple of weeks ago for DH birthday, MIL asked if visit could be changed so that she could also come at the same time. SIL then admitted she wanted to bring FIL along with her. I really don't know what I can do to make SIL(who is only 20 and doesn't remember most of what happened) understand why I don't want her Dad around my baby.

[MummyCarpenter]

Also CityDweller among other things that happened were him getting his own mother to call the family home and tell MIL that he had killed himself, telling my DH that he(FIL) only had 1 son(late BIL), he also pinned my DH to wall by his neck & threatened him when he was 17 & I had to call the police. My MIL had their home phone number on an emergancy becon for 999 calls at one point.