help me with my toddler before I fall out if love with her New baby In house

(21 Posts)
sweetiepie1979 Wed 06-Nov-13 21:19:28

Had a baby 12 days ago. My DD is tantruming about everything every hour and shouting no constantly. We had a tantrum for 40 minutes tonights. It's heart breaking and making me angry at the same time. She is so horrible when she is having the tantrum the growls the crying the throwing things the banging and the shouting no. When she is being nice she is so warm and lovely. She is also warm and affectionate to dd2 who is only 12 days old so I dint know if it's bringing New baby home or just terrible 2s, probably both. How do I handle tantrums?I usually count to 3 then remove her from situation in to the hall or into cot. Mostly the problems are getting dressed etc. Or just melt down fr
no reason her speech isn't awfully clear so that doesn't help. Tonight she had a tantrum for 40 minutes in the
hall I kept trying to give her cuddles eventually I left her until it calmed down sufficiently for me to explain that
New shoes had to go back to shop. It feels cruel
leaving her to cry such a heartbreaking cry for 49 mins.
Please tell me what to do and this is ok. Husband goes back to work tomorrow we have no family near by or
friends really. I'm on antibiotics fir infection in stitches
I'm low in iron and I've got thrush. How in earth am I
Going to cope?

Queenofthedrivensnow Wed 06-Nov-13 21:31:23

My mw gave me some great advice for dealing with dd1 when dd2 was born was she was just 3. She said Avert your eyes to all but the massive crimes (dd1's) and she will settle down in time. And that's what I did. I recall dd1 being very excitable and boisterous which is a bit out if character as if she had so much energy she didn't know what to do with it and she was a bit of a pain. I reckon it took about 3 months for her to calm down. It will pass and you will cope.
Soft play was our saviour around then - safe space to run around and you can just sit there with the baby grin

Marzipanface Wed 06-Nov-13 21:41:09

Oh dear. I've gone through this and I second what the above poster said. She is going through a lot of emotional stress and anxiety due to new baby. She may be lovely towards the baby, which is great, but she still is feeling insecure and suffering.

I 'love-bombed' my DD when DS was a baby. Every available opportunity I spent focusing all my attentions on her. The older child needs more cuddles, time and reassurance. Attention should be on then as they are the child going through immense upheaval, not the baby. Presents from the baby made a regular appearance as well as treats and we picked our battles.

As she got used to the baby, her behaviour settled down. It's not the baby they are angry with but often the parents. She is scared of losing your time to the new sibling.

MaryShelley Wed 06-Nov-13 21:45:20

Dd was a nightmare too the baby gave her a set of peppa pig DVDs for watching during evening breast feeding marathons.
Dd was given the job of chief washer of baby's tummy and feet - she LOVED this and felt very included.

Actually It was a nightmare am I don't know how I coped! But we do somehow!

sweetiepie1979 Wed 06-Nov-13 21:56:52

Thank you for these repliesqueen you have described DD behaviour exactly! She is suddenly So boisterous and loud how interesting that you mentioned that I'd forgotten to put it in opening post. marzipan I know your right a d maybe I have really underestimated contractual turmoil and upheaval. Tomorrow is day 1 oflots and lots of cuddles and love for het salso taking her to a new toddler class so I'll play along with her for that. Mary I like the idea of getting her involved more in bathtimee's for dd2 I'll give that a go too thank you. Begin Ming to feel a bit more positive now. My mother is a pain she keeps saying oh how odd I've never heard Of that before! Your sister's children weren't like that and nor where any of you! Great Thanks for that Mum!

stillhopefulforanother Wed 06-Nov-13 21:59:53

Im so there right now. Two year old DS and 7 week old DD. My boy has got so naughty, so naughty and he is just so difficult. I feel so bad as we did everything together, now I have hardly any time one to one with him as baby hanging off boob most of the day!

Feel guilty. Struggling to manage needs of both kids. As well as keep house tidy for husband who moans. And cook dinner. And wash. And eat.....

JiltedJohnsJulie Wed 06-Nov-13 22:05:01

Poor you, you sound like you have got a lot to cope with. Are you getting any treatment for the thrush and anaemia?

Some great ideas on here already. I'd try to get up early tomorrow and get your shower before he leaves. Could he prepare sandwiches for your and DDs lunch too?

Love the love bombing idea too smile. There's some more tips on juggling a newborn and a toddler here.

Agree too on picking your battles. If you think lack of speech is a trigger, have you thought of teaching her a few simple signs?

So what's the plan for tomorrow? Is it a pj and cbeebies day or are you venturing out?

I'd get DH to bring a takeaway home too smile

sweetiepie1979 Thu 07-Nov-13 04:42:33

Hi jilted tomorrow we are hopefully venturing out if she will get dressed. We begin a new toddler class. Who knows what will happen.... I have iron tablets for anaemia and canestan for thrush. Also antibiotic as stitches are a bit inflamed. Difficult times but it's all a phase oh God I hope it dosent last long! I think I'll keep the take away treat to the weekend as a reward. Can everyone just remind me again that i can get through this and that I will not be bullied and made to cry by a 2 year old! It's 4 in the morning I'm dreading it!
(Pull self together c'mon! ) must remember love bomb!

sweetiepie1979 Thu 07-Nov-13 04:45:43

stillhope we can do this! Tell your dh the house work is the last thing on list, consider a cleaner? I have someone come once a week I can't afford it but it's a godsend!

MaryAnnTheDasher Thu 07-Nov-13 05:50:58

Nothing to add except to reassure you it will pass. I have no secrets to success only to take each hour as it comes. I used to literally break the day up in my mind into 3 hour slots and say right in this 3 hours we will all be dressed, in the next 3 hours we will go to the shop to buy dinner. By doing this it gave me little things to aim for and feel good about when they were achieved. I did have PND so I kind of had to do this or I would have truly cracked up but I think it's generally a good coping mechanism. Oh and lots of pepa pig for the toddler :-)

Will she pick stuff out for herself to get dressed ? If not just put a jumper over pjs it won't kill her smile

Now I have a trick for thrush because I seen to get it at the drop of a hat when pregnant, you need up kill the thrush in your knickers as it stays in when washed at 40' wash them at a higher temp and then steam iron the crotches

I promise you it works and I know how awful it is trying to do stuff with thrush

JiltedJohnsJulie Thu 07-Nov-13 21:37:05

How did you go on today? smile

When mine were this little I aimed to do one thing each day, so if it was cook dinner and sit down as a family, that was my one thing. Getting to a toddler class would have definitely been my only aim for one day, anything else would have been a huge bonus.

sweetiepie1979 Fri 08-Nov-13 00:16:54

Hi all I achieved today! I made it to the toddler class. It was touch and go and I had to pretend quite a few times that we Were not going or that I was going without her and she got dressed. At afternoon sleep there was almost a tantrum but it was narrowly avoidedby me trying to be a monster she was more aacceptable and playful today. I wondered if she was glad her Daddy went back to work so it was back to her and I again really as baby Is good as gold and eats and sleeps. She was keen to cuddle baby a lot today which was lovely. I gave her lots of attention as advised but equally when I was cleaning the kitchen or feeding baby she was happy playing in the living room with her dolls and prams. So tomorrow is her nursery day and I can relax with dd2 and plan Monday!

JiltedJohnsJulie Fri 08-Nov-13 18:18:19

Sounds like you coped brilliantly smile

GreenSunrise Sat 09-Nov-13 07:29:46

We are in a similar situation- ds is 2.5 years and dd is 3.5 weeks. He is really gentle with the baby and very affectionate with her but tantrumns have increased loads since she was born and he will often ask me to put the baby on the floor, in her Moses basket or in her bouncy chair. It is so difficult when she is feeding lots. 3 days a week at nursery for him is a life saver. As soon as she is calm and settled I am trying to focus on him and I am making a point of giving him lots of cuddles. He likes to help with the baby and so when I change her nappy his job is to pass me a new nappy and put the cotton wool is the bowl of water. This also seems to make changingI Is nappy straight cover a bit less of a battle because he accepts that it is his turn

On the one day when dh isn't here and ds isn't at nursery I have a shower the night before and lay out my clothes so that I can get dressed quickly. We have a toddler group in the morning so that ds has something fun aimed it his age and I make a packed lunch for him the night before so that I don't have to try to make his lunch, entertain him and feed the baby all at once!

I think that the big thing for him was the change uto routine. D h does bath aand bedtime with him but I Ihave always done everything else but I had a c section and so dh did everything for th first 3 weeks. Each time I did something efor the first time again instead of dh (get him dressed,achange his nappy, give him lunch etc) caused a meltdown but each subsequent time is better.

I keep reminding myself that it will kkeep getting better. Ds will get back into his routine and used to me doing everything., dd will start spacing out her feeds more soon and we will all get used to our new situation.

sweetiepie1979 Sat 09-Nov-13 23:42:41

Hi green surprise yrs that's all familiar! I momentous idea if the packed lunch and shower the night before etc ill use that! Agree thank goodness for nursery! Good luck x

cory Sun 10-Nov-13 12:36:03

<waves at the other posters>

I have just been putting up photographs from dd's toddler years as part of her 17th birthday celebrations- and don't I remember this!!!

I think the clue lies in the photo of dd meeting her new little brother in hospital. I didn't see it at the time, but now the way I would describe the expression on her face is "total excitement with a strong dose of fear". Outwardly happy, but it was all a little more than she could cope with.

The good news is, it did settle down. Those first few weeks were hard work and some, but I now have two teenagers who are devoted to each other and have given each other so much happiness over the years- and saved me a lot of work in the process. wink

So hang in there, shower her with love, ignore minor misdemeanours, it will all be worth it in the end.

sweetiepie1979 Tue 12-Nov-13 23:24:32

Thank you for that Cory. Hope you all enjoyed the birthday celebrations x

Nothing much to add apart from I remember the days of newborn and 22 month dd's well! 2 years on now, but what got me through was the soft sling as I had baby in it all the time and even managed to bf in it and so could carry on playing with/attending to the toddler. Good luck, you sound like you're doing brilliantly.

Pogosticks Tue 12-Nov-13 23:40:22

In those days in our family, the toddler often went out in fancy dress, was happier to wear that than normal clothes and was fine with me. Dressed is dressed after all.

Pogosticks Tue 12-Nov-13 23:41:15

Oh yes - and had a sling for baby and push along trike for toddler and he still remembers it fondly now at grand old age of 8!

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