I feel like Ihave come to the end of my parenting book, I turned to find the next chapter and there isn't one!!

(31 Posts)
NeverKnowinglyUnderstood Fri 01-Nov-13 17:00:32

Also known as how do I deal with my 10 year old boy!!!
my toddler/young child techniques are tired and don't seem to work anymore
He has started reacting to me in a "so make me" kind of way.
He knows I cant physically make him, he knows I will take things away and doesn't care. He knows he will lose rewards and positive things. He doesn't care.

His behaviour isn't terrible, he is generally a good chap but there are times I need him to do certain things within a certain timescale and Idon't know what to do!

eg, at the dentist. come on in it is our turn. "no" your brother has finished you need to get in the dentist chair "no" thankfully we have known our dentist for a long time and she came and did the examination in the waiting chair commenting "you don't get out of it that easily buster" and afterwards she was positive about his teeth and cleaning skills.

However I am now thinking about what we do with that attitude in a different situation.
Ideas??? help???

Have a look at www.parentchannel.tv - lots of parenting advice right through into teenagerdom. Experts plus parents in sort 5 min clips.

SonorousBip Fri 01-Nov-13 17:11:27

Mmm, is he Y6 by any chance. I think they go through a big shift then when they have really pretty much come to the end of the line of being a "small boy" or whatever, but they also don't know what the next stage is. I think they know that they want more independence and autonomy, for example, but don't really know how to go about getting it.

I had quite a good book called, erm, <googles>"Talking to Tweens: Getting it Right Before it Gets Rocky with Your 8- to 12-Year-Old", which I do recommend: it had some really interesting stuff about, eg, need for privacy, giving them choices etc.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood Fri 01-Nov-13 19:13:07

thanks ladies
it really does feel like that sonorousBip
we have talked over the fact that I dont differentiate much between him and his brother (3 years younger) although their lights off go at different times there isn't much of a bonus to being older.
So we are going to change that as much as we can.

Will have a look at the book, and also will dig out my raising boys and how to talk so children will listen books.

ANy further pearls of wisdom very welcome.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood Sat 02-Nov-13 12:17:07

bumping for weekenders tips

he knows I will take things away and doesn't care. He knows he will lose rewards and positive things. He doesn't care.
Those seem like good tactics. You mention increasing his "older child privileges". DS1 had a slightly later bedtime than his 2 years younger brother and when DS1 went through this stage there was nothing worse than being sent to bed before DS2 grin.
I would also talk to him afterwards calmly about his behaviour and how it makes you feel, explain that you want to treat him as more grown up but that sometimes his behaviour is childish. I would tell him that his behaviour at the dentist was embarrassing for you and that you thought he would have grown out of that kind of thing. That puts the ball in his court a little.

JiltedJohnsJulie Sat 02-Nov-13 15:48:11

Just marking my place. I have a 9.5 DS and this is all too familiar sad

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood Sat 02-Nov-13 19:25:47

thanks for the responses, YourLittleSecret, you are right.. we should go with that a bit more. Early Bed was a punishment when we were little, it was 15 minutes. I think we will add that in.

We do talk and he is eloquent and describes his feelings well. It turns out he thought he was going to have to have a filling because his tooth hurt and he was frightened. My understanding after the fact doesn't help though! (unless it makes him more likely to confide in me before next time which is what I have requested)

JiltedJohnsJulie It is SO hard, I know each time I just feel I have this parenting thing licked it all goes and changes again!! I will go and have a hunt round on t'internet but I don't think we are due a hormone surge at this age?

JiltedJohnsJulie Sat 02-Nov-13 20:03:49

My Dsil saw him last week and asked if he was growing. Then she smiled sweetly and said "apparently they get a surge of boys hormones when they are growing". to was lovely to have some sympathy. So they may not get a surge at this age but perhaps it could be a growing thing? DS is still in y5 but has sone lessons in y6 and I know his behaviour has become more challenging since this has started so maybe it could be a y6 thing? Though god help me when he does get into y6!

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood Sun 03-Nov-13 19:29:35

JJJ tbh I am dreading the teenage years if he is like this now!!

JiltedJohnsJulie Sun 03-Nov-13 20:10:55

Well he's calmed down a lot today. Still pushing his limits but I calmly laid the law down last night after he had been screaming at his sister again. We had a long chat at bedtime and he's been much better today.

Went to get his school shoes checked yesterday and he's gone up 1.5 sizes in 2 months, so maybe growth does have something to do with it afterall smile

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood Mon 04-Nov-13 11:22:36

Hi JJJ,
managed to get DS1 off to school this morning, but not without DH sitting with him explaining firmly that we have had enough.
DS2 made eye contact with him over breakfast and so he got in a mood.

Anyway, feel like I have today to recharge before pick up this afternoon. Hopefully being engaged at school (which he enjoys) will help with his mood.

1,5 sizes is heaps.. what size does he take? I am gently nudging DS1 towards converse as he is now a size 4 (the same as me) and i know he wont fit them in a few months then I can have them grin

JiltedJohnsJulie Mon 04-Nov-13 13:45:56

Sounds very much like our morning. He's now in a 2.5 but he's one of the smallest in his class, one of his friends wears a 9!

I'd be going down the converse route too. Shame he doesn't like nice sparkly heels, perhaps you'll have to read him the Boy in a Dress grin

drivinmecrazy Mon 04-Nov-13 13:56:46

Had exactly the same feeling as DD1 hit 10 (nearly 3 years ago). I remember saying to a friend that I felt lost, that we had a baby book, a toddler manual, but suddenly I felt out of my depth. I also suffered a huge crisis of confidence in my parenting because all of a sudden i just didn't get it anymore.

Now, a few years down the line, we're still parenting on a wing and a prayer but have accepted thats the way it is for most of us when they slowly leave their childhood.

Still breaks my heart at times when I see my beautiful little girl shoot me evil stares if I suggest something, only a few short years ago, would have filled her with laughter and joy.

Welcome to the next phase of parenting!!!

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood Sat 09-Nov-13 15:20:20

Oh goodness I hope you can bear me posting again about ds1. We have just had 2 hours of him kicking punching swearing putting holes in the wall. He is not quite 10 yet!!! If he was a little stronger and kicked and punched me the way he has today he would be breaking bones
I am exhausted and weeping like a baby in my bed whilst he is clearing up some of his mess

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood Sat 09-Nov-13 17:07:53

bumping for some support

Raddy Sat 09-Nov-13 18:36:01

I feel for you, OP as that sounds really difficult.

Strops are one thing (and I have a sometimes stroppy teen) but what you describe is, to me, something else.

I hope someone comes along to give you some good advice.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood Sat 09-Nov-13 20:20:17

Thanks Raddy,
He is tall for his age at 1m48cm and nearly 6 stone, I fear he is going to grow too much more before we get this under control.

I am exhausted, we have been for a really long walk together and talked about his temper and anger and how it doesn't come out anywhere other than home.
He says he doesn't get so cross at school because he knows he has to be on his best behaviour otherwise he will get detention or expelled.
He talked about having the worst family in the world and parents who obviously hate him.

I have gently and calmly asked him to think about what our reaction would be if a stranger came into our house and did the things that he has done and said treated us all (including his brother) in the way that he has.
they would not be allowed to return. It is because we love him and we are caring parents that time and time again we try to find a solution to his anger.

The fact that he doesn't get so cross at school makes me feel that this is behavioural rather than medical if you know what I mean. Although there have been times that I have been tempted to go to the doctor about him.

He has been sitting with his daddy this afternoon saying sorry and explaining how he feels. and DH in turn saying how he feels about it all.

Computer Games have been taken away until we have 10 clear days of acceptable behaviour, and he is aware of what those expectations are.
He has forefitted his right to stay up to watch atlantis tonight.

Sorry that was mamouth... just really where we are up to.

Jiltedjohnsjulie Sun 10-Nov-13 09:30:09

never that all sounds incredibly stressful but I think you have handled it in the right way.

Does he know about the facts of life? Particularly how his hormones will be gradually changing him into a man? We've had a few chats with DS about this and how the men in his life are calm and nice to others.

Not much help I know but it's all I've got I'm sorry. Hopefully someone will be along soon who can help more.

trish5000 Sun 10-Nov-13 09:56:45

Hi never. I have followed you across form another thread we are on.

It is interesting that he is able to be behaved at school. That suggests to me, that he is able to be self controlled if and when he wants to be, which is obviously good.

So he is choosing to misbehave at home. Or coupled with a cant be bothered attitude at home. fwiw, I had a son who sort of flopped when he was at home, just becuase he could.

What is your son like with team games or sport btw. I am just fishing really for clues as to how he is behaving in general.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood Sun 10-Nov-13 17:30:21

Thanks for the support,
I have been talking to a good firend today who knows DS1 well, she was also wondering about hormones.

We havent talked about growing up and changes yet I wonder if I he is feeling changes and feeling unsettled about it.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood Tue 12-Nov-13 22:51:52

Things have been much better since the weekend. He is being an angel, and with the occasional nudge about kindness and respect he has been lovely with his brother as well.

You know I just found a picture of him aged 3 and I am sitting here in tears again. I wished I had known how to love him then the way I love him now. I think his anger may be all my fault. I had a nervous breakdown when he was little and wasn't able to look after myself let alone him. although I did have him all day and I play acted at being a mum like I had seen on tv. But I felt nothing. He was probably so cross with me and it is all coming out now.

My gorgeous fabulous boy and I have damaged him repeating errors from the previous generation that I was determined not to. sad

Jiltedjohnsjulie Wed 13-Nov-13 22:18:36

If you haven't spoken to him about puberty yet, have a look at what's happening to me, it's an Usborne book?

None of this is your fault and certainly shouldn't be anything to do with how you were 6 years ago. Do you still have any care for yourself? Hope you don't mind me saying that you sound quite down on yourself and that could be an indicator that you may need some support.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood Wed 13-Nov-13 22:28:14

JJJ I am ok really I am, it will probably always make me sad to see the gorgeous smiley pictures of him when he was little and to remember how detached I was from him at that time.

I graduated from therapy about a year ago and I really am in a good place, but you are right about keeping an eye on indicators. I don't want all this to get me into a pickle.

Do I know you in real life??? I have been out at a christmas shopping evening and a friend took me to the usborne stall and put that book in my hand!!! I have it here now and am having a look through before giving it to him.

Thanks for being here. How are things with your family?

Jiltedjohnsjulie Wed 13-Nov-13 22:35:56

Don't think I do know you in RL, but you never know grin

I had a really hard time when DS was about 18 months and although CBT and tablets got me out of it within a few months, I'm always wary of slipping back. Having a really shit time at work just now and my main worry probably should be being unemployed but I'm more worried about slipping back...

This morning was really bad too. Can't remember what started it but he was awful, could really grace done without it before work. After school he's been an angel though and we've had a lovely evening.

Heres hoping tomorrow is a better day smile

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