Attachment Parenting

[oldhippymum]

Just wondered if anyone else is interested in attachment parenting- although it wasn't called this when i had my first 13 years ago!!

Has anyone else resd the Continuum concept by Jean Liedloff and Three in a bed- Deborah Jackson?

Its all about parenting by being very child led and keeping your child close to you, ie extended breast feeding, co sleeping, no smacking or shouting, not leaving babies to cry etc?

When i had my first two sons 13 and 11 years ago I knew a few people who parented in this way, but since having my daughter 7, and 3rd child 17 months, I can't seem to find anyone else who parents in this way-my fault for being greedy and having too many children i guess!

then i discovered the internet!!!!!!!

Anyone else parent like me?

or am i alone in a world of Gina Ford- NOT THAT I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH GINA FORD TO EACH THEIR OWN Maybe I'm the only old hippy left on the block!!

[footprint]

Hello! I am an old hippy too (less of the old!) Attachment parenting all the way. dd now aged 2 has always slept in our bed, still bfing, used pushchairs as little as possible.

I LOVE attachment parenting, but I am a sahm, and realise it's not for everyone.

Very pleased to hear of someone else though

[FairyMum]

I do. Although I did before I had read anything about attachment theories. When I did come across it I was really happy that there was actually a theory to go with my parenting too. I think attachment parenting really suits me and my children, although I do send them off to nursery very early on which is against the theory but also works for us

[Greensleeves]

I don't understand how you can do attachment parenting and send your children to nursery very young. I'm not being nasty Fairymum, I just don't understand how that can work. Isn't attachment parenting about keeping young children very close to you and not fostering early separation?

[FrannyandZooey]

Hello, I think there are quite a few of us on here, often known as lentil weavers

I don't like the Continuum Concept but I love Dr Sears and Deborah Jackson. I used a sling until ds was 2 and am still breastfeeding him. He just decided to move into his own bed aged 3 which has been a bit of a shock for me.

If you would like real life friends who parent this way, La Leche League is a very sympatico organisation. I find the more parents I meet, the more people do actually do things this way, but just keep quiet about it for fear of criticism / disapproval from the rest of the world.

[Callisto]

I'm an attachment parent too - love Dr Sears, loathe with all my heart Ms Ford. My dd (14 months) is so happy and contented. I always pick her up when she cries and always have despite 'rod for your own back' comments.

As a quick aside, FrannyandZooey - you were talking about a book on toddlers and positive parenting recently. I can't find the thread and have forgotten the name of the book. Could you tell me what it is? Thanks so much.

[oldhippymum]

fantastic- Lentilweavers, that just about sums me up!!

I agree that the continuum concept is hard going- Jean Liedloff didn't have any kids as far as i can tell!

I read the Deborah Jackson book when DS1 was 4 months or so, sleeping in my bed, and I knew i could never "leave him to cry" It changed my life. 13 years on , and 3 children later, I have always parented in this way, and my kids are all delightful, well adjusted, compassionate people who are secure and happy. My youngest is 17 months and still in my bed.

Fairymum, you can leave your kids, and go to work, or whatever. I've worked part time since i had no. 3 and 4 and they are looked after by my mum. in its true form this style of parenting doesn't have rigid rules to follow- you do what is best for your child and your family, focus on your child and respond to them and do not beat yourself up when you make mistakes.

I think the beauty of this parenting style is that there are few rules and you are allowed to do what you know feels right for you and your child.

and maybe feed them the odd lentil or two!!

[FrannyandZooey]

Callisto, was it The Social Toddler? Or else Alfie Kohn's Punished By Rewards, those are the two I should be on commission for

[FairyMum]

Yes you are right Greensleeves. I will just call myself a fan of a lot of the principles of attachment parenting, but I am also a fan of nurseries and think they can be very good for children. I grew up in a Scandinavian country where most send their children to nursery from 12 months and generally have a very different take on nurseries. As a Scandinavian though. I think attachment parenting is much closer to mine and the Scandinavian way of parenting. As you know because I always mention it in my posts I find the British way of parenting often very uptight and regimented. I like the more relaxed and child-led way of attachment parenting, but no it's not my bible. Not at all. I follow my own instincts.

[Callisto]

Franny - it was The Social Toddler and is now on my Amazon wish list for when I get round to ordering it. Thank you for recommending it as it sounds like the sort of guidance I need as my dd gets older and more wilful .

[foundintranslation]

Attachment-ish parenting here. I will breastfeed ds - aged 13 months - until he self-weans; he is fed on demand and 'snacks' all day and feeds a couple of times at night. I work but a lot of it is at home and dh looks after ds when I am not there. We co-slept for quite a while, but now ds is mostly in his cot (right next to our bed). We do use pushchairs but used the Baby Björn a lot for the first 9 months or so and still do sometimes.
Deborah Jackson talks a lot of sense but her books sometimes make me feel rather indaequate...

[Callisto]

It makes me very sad when I hear people say that picking babies up when they cry 'spoils' them. Fairymum I think you are right about the British (and American I think?) attitude to parenting.

[lazycow]

I like the idea of attachment parenting but tbh I find a lot of the books on it (as do most bboks on parenting) make me feel inadequate.

I also fail to see how anyone can truly be an attachment parent (my god I agree with Greensleeves!)as it is decribed and also go to work in the early years but then I also fail to see how amyone can truly practice this and have children who are closer than 3-4 years apart in age.

For the record I work part-time becuase I want to not because I have to. I don't leave ds to cry and still carry him in a sling nowadays at 18 months though we use a pushchair too. I don't co-sleep as my sanity could not stand it. So all in all I don't have the selflessness that seems to be required to be a proper attachment parent.

I love Sears for his health advice but I REALLY cannot see how they possibly could actually practice all that they preach with 8 children all close in age.

[harrisey]

We are fairly attatchmenty too - extended bf (not any more as dd2 self weaned age 2), slings, picking up when crying, didnt cosleep cos of medication I was on making me sleepy, but very much child led and loved it.
I dont really know about nurseries - I am a sahm adn have used a childminder, but so nice to know there are other people out there doing the same thing.

[rabbitrabbit]

Hello,

We're big fans of attachment parenting-only recently found out that that was, in fact, our style of parenting!

Our Ds is 3.2 and is due to start state school in Jan 07 (nursery) and we thought that he should perhaps go to nursery a few mornings a week before then as it would be too much of a shock for him-he's never spent time away from us for many reasons (geography being one!).

I'm really interested in how others who practice this type of parenting dealt with the whole nursery issue? i.e. my son is a very confident and outgoing child but as he's not been away from us much do you think/have you experienced more trouble than other people when introducing your dc to nursery?

Sorry for the long post-I'm rambling as I'm worried!

tia

[oldhippymum]

rabbitrabbit

the real beauty of attachment parenting is that the child is so secure that they are able to move on and and explore new things- going to nursery being a prime example. I have found that co sleeping, picking up when crying , etc has made all of my three older children so secure that when it is time to go to nursery or whatever they are happy to go because all their early needs for closeness etc have been met. Don't know about DS4 yet as he's only 17 months.

regrding attachment parenting and going back to work, i have found this possible and have worked PT for a few years now. However, I've been incredibly lucky in that my mum has always looked after the brood for me and obviously the children have a strong attachment to her.

I cannot believe anyone parents in a totally "purist" attachment parenting way unless they are mega rich and or have their children at 6 year intervals. For example, I used to put my children down once in a while and presently smallest boy starts the night in a cot then comes in with us.

I truly believe that its more about an mindset of gentle child led parenting than sticking rigidly to rules. WE DO NOT HAVE TO BE PERFECT

[Greensleeves]

That rings true, oldhippymum. I can see how a child who has never been given any cause to develop anxieties about separation would take to nursery/preschool much more happily than one who is insecure and clingy already. I think I am a sort of semi-attachment parent, although I'd never heard of it before MN. I don't co-sleep, although I did furtively a few times when they were tiny despite being told by my mother and HV that it was dangerous and weird . My ds1 went to preschool 5 mornings a week at 3.5 having never been away from me for more than an hour, apart from when I was giving birth to ds2 - on the first day I left him there, when I came back he scowled and said "Oh no, not yet Mummy!". I'm not sure about sending a baby to nursery all day and still being an attachment-style parent though - seems like a contradiction to me.

I'm really not trying to be snotty or nasty here - just very interested. FWIW I feel quite sad that I didn't know about attachment parenting/extended breastfeeding/co-sleeping when my boys were tiny. I only found out when I joined MN that it would have been OK to ignore my mother and just do things my own way

[rabbitrabbit]

Thanks hippymum. I'm hoping that's all true

greensleeves-I know how you feel. I spent some time feeling very depressed becuase everyone told me I was doing it wrong, i.e picking ds us, co-sleeping, carrying him everywhere, but for us it just felt right so we continued.
I'm so glad now that we did. I'm sure whatever you did was great.

[spidermama]

Hi oldhippy.

Yes I read the Continuum Concept and three in a bed. I did so-called attachment parenting without realising it as it felt natural to me.

I think it's a frame of mind and it seems to fit in with so many of my other life choices, but I certainly didn't choose to follow a certain code. I just went with my heart then happened to notice that much of what my heart told me came under the banner of attachment parenting.

[bluejelly]

Was pretty much an attachment parent, though mostly it was instinctive rather than a decision... went back to work when my dd was 5.5 months-- I think a lot of my extended breasfeeding, cosleeping etc was cos I was trying to redress the balance of leaving her 4 days a week.
She's 6 now and seems very well adjusted (but guess I would say that)

[footprint]

IMHO Attachment parenting is about following your own instincts, thinking about how the baby/child feels and doing what feels right. Why do so many people battle with their consciences about letting a baby cry, or letting them sleep alone just because that's what modern society tells them to do??? It makes me really sad. I know a mum in this village who when the baby cries immediately puts her in her pram and wiggles the pram - instead of picking her up.

I read Deborah Jackson's "Baby Wisdom" when I was pregnant - excellent!

[footprint]

I don't see any problem with going back to work or putting the child in a nursary as long as you treat the child with respect and are gentle and loving. That's what AP means to me.

[Greensleeves]

I see your point footprint, but I know lots of parents who are gentle and loving, but are most definitely not attachment parents.

[spidermama]

I have a friend who wheels her young baby to the far end of the garden and leaves him there so she can't hear the crying. She'll only retrieve him at the correct feeding time as dictated by the one and only Gina.
My friend and I are totally at odds. She's very much a detachment parent. Otherwise we get on very well.

[Callisto]

I think 'child-led' is the key to attachment parenting.

Spidermama, that is too sad for words. GF has an awful lot to answer for but how can your friend live with herself?

[spidermama]

I know callisto. She also wakes him up from a deep sleep to feed him so she can do it when she wants.
It seems alien to me, but it works for her and she swears she'd go mad if she couldn't maintain this sort of control.
She has four kids and they're all lovely I have to say.