Inlaw trouble

[Nocturne123]

Hi everyone just looking for some advice.

Ever since my daughter was born 4 months ago I have found my FIL very controlling and disrespectful of our life as a new family .

He would call down at any opportunity , hardly speak a word to me and take my newborn daughter from me . I know as a new mother I am particularly touchy however this continued and I had to ask my husband to speak to him . When he did thus my FIL had a complete strop and barely spoke to my husband.

Things calmed down after that but I feel like the situation is getting worse again. All I ever hear is how much she looks like their side of the family. He had a way of making me feel guilty if I don't hand my daughter over as soon as I walk in the door and is trying to plan extended family holidays for next year without even asking if we'd like to go , it is just assumed that we will . I know it sounds petty and ridiculous but it's making me a bundle of nerves anytime I see him now .

My MIL is lovely and completely unintrusive. I just wondered if anyone had any advice on how to help the situation it would be greatly appreciated .

[mrsmartin1984]

I know the feeling when people take your child off you. It's intintive to want to keep your child close to you. And my inlaws always went on and on about how she looks like my husband and other members of his family. That's until I found a photo of me about the same age, and they could no longer say that she didn't look like me. It's properly best to talk to your OH and get his backing.

[Nocturne123]

That's so funny , I've found a photo of me as a baby that looks like her too! Thanks your advice is right it's just my OH i believe is very reluctant to say no to his father so even saying anything was a big step . I think he'll get there eventually and I guess in the meantime I've just got to let the small stuff go and not get so irritated.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I am glad your DH stepped up and said something to his father but why wait for him to speak out next time, can you stand up for yourself? Don't feel bad for exercising your right to keep hold of or want your Dd back. Of course it is healthy to socialise and get your infant used to being with trusted people. If DD is also first grandchild the older generation will be thrilled and charmed.

Are your own family close by? If not you may have plans to see them so it's not for FIL to plot your lives..

Can't blame PILs for being enthusiastic. However she is not a plaything and you will read her moods. Just because you are a first time mother does not mean more experienced hands should automatically override you. You, she and DH are your own family unit.

Hopefully FIL will ease up. Btw whenever she is at a growth stage she may be cranky and disinclined to tolerate being passed around or fussed. It does not mean you are unreasonable or over possessive.

If MIL is not pushy you may find she is an ally.

[mitchsta]

My advice even if I hadn't read the other replies would be a bit of everything that's already been said really. Stand up for yourself if you think you need to - you don't need to wait for DH to speak for you. Be assertive without being rude (i.e. "we're not sure what our holiday plans for next year are yet, but you go ahead and book and we'll join you if we can") and also use your MIL as an ally. Make sure she's there when these things happen so she can take it all in and hopefully have a quiet word when you're not around.

I have experience of controlling (well-meaning) parents - on both sides - and you have to just achieve a balance between standing your ground and getting worked up / being rude. They usually mean well and your FIL might not even realise he's coming across like this.

There's also a LOT to be said for getting the non-controlling part of the couple onside, not because you need them to fight your battles, but because it's harder to be fobbed off as 'over-sensitive' or 'hormonal' or whatever when someone else agrees with what you're saying.

Hope things start getting easier for you :-)

[Nocturne123]

Thanks for your replies everyone , I'll try to take it on board !

[HansieMom]

How about a triple picture, with you and husband as babies with your baby in center pic? I was thinking of just you and baby but all three is more PC.