This is impossible! How does anyone make this work??

(188 Posts)
Haddock73 Mon 02-Sep-13 14:17:34

As soon as I get ds1 (2) down, ds2 (9days old) kicks off. I've been up since 2am and frazzled! Ds2 won't sleep, he's been up for hours now and I physically don't know how to do this without dh being here!

Ds1 feels neglected, haven't bonded with ds2 because I feel resentful of him crying and crying and CRYING all the time nd taking me away from ds1, then I hate myself for feeling this way.

Crying and crying and feel like I can't cope and made a huge mistake.

When will it get better??

HPsauceonbaconbuttiesmmm Tue 17-Sep-13 14:14:43

All the best haddock. Come back whenever you think we can help.

valiumredhead Tue 17-Sep-13 14:04:30

Oh please post on here as long as you need to OP, you haven't taken up any one's time out we wouldn't be reading! thanks

sittinginthesun Tue 17-Sep-13 13:41:57

Yes, good luck. And don't worry about coming back on this thread if you need a bit of a scream. We all need a hug from time to time.

ZingWantsCake Tue 17-Sep-13 13:36:52

good luck Haddock, I hope things will improve soon!

this is the link to the Dunstan baby language, please watch it!

Haddock73 Tue 17-Sep-13 12:34:49

Hi everyone, I just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone that has supported me and given me the encouragement to carry on in these really tough first few weeks. This will probably be my last post on this thread as I feel I have already Aiken up a lot of everyone's time and space on this forum, but I wanted to let you all know how kind, generous and supportive you've all been, and I know we're all strangers but you're kind words and offers of help have really helped me through some very bleak tough times.

Thank you all again and I really ope one day I can offer another mum the same words of support and comfort you've all give me.

x

VioletStar Tue 17-Sep-13 04:07:15

Haddock, I've lurked for a while, because I wanted to see you were ok, and because I have no real advice to give but want to say as other posters have said - you are doing great.
I really empathise with what you are going through: you bring back where I was 9 years ago when my darling dd was born. See? Darling dd. I didn't fall in love with her instantly like my first (ds), but there it was one day, a smile, and I was hooked. You will get there, don't fret.
As for the rows, as awful as they are, yep we did that too. You are both tired and anxious no doubt. DH and I kept talking and spelling it out for each other how we felt, so that we didn't assume the other knew automatically how hard our day had been iyswim. Too tired to work it out!
You are doing fab. Don't worry about counting hours and minutes - whatever works. And do try and get outside as often as you can. I used to go for a walk, ds in buggy, dd in sling just to while away time until breakfast etc. Keep posting and big hugs to you

LittleBearPad Mon 16-Sep-13 23:23:20

Haddock big hug. I'm sorry you aren't happy but it will get better. Well don for going to the GP.

Don't worry about the row. It really isn't surprising when you (both) are exhausted. Things will get better and if they don't go back to the GP. Ask for another HV if you need to as well. You need good support from a HV.

Fingers crossed that DS2 settles better very very soon. Please shout if we can help.

GetYourSocksOff Mon 16-Sep-13 21:11:12

Haddock I wish I could hug you, I feel like I'm reading about myself a year ago.

DH and I have struggled after both babies, the year mark has been a turning point for us both times. I know that will still seem like a million years away.

Are you taking a multivitamin? It sounds a bit lame but a good one can turn me into a different person when I'm run down. Kick starts the immune system and improves my mood within a couple of days.

I know what you mean about the house too. Have you tried home start yet? They sent a cleaner round to my best friend for a couple of hours each week for a while, it really helped her.

Haddock73 Mon 16-Sep-13 19:53:35

Thank you valium and sitting it helps knowing that the overwhelming love will hopefully come soon, and that I'm not alone with the arguments with dh.

There are points I the day that I honesty feel like walking out and not coming back...I even called the Samaritans because I felt so low yesterday, but then there are times like today where I feel a lot more positive.

I wish I could stop trying to be perfect all the time, I feel like a failure unless the housework is done and both dc are happy and content.

sittinginthesun Mon 16-Sep-13 15:05:29

Hi Op. Hugs from me too.

In my case is was my eldest who was the screamer - he screamed from at least 4pm to 10pm every evening, and nothing I did made the slightest bit of difference.

My DH and I either rowed or sobbed, night after night. I was beyond exhaustion.

All I can say is that it gradually got easier, and eventually stopped. Don't know why.

I always thought that getting out helped, but was also very stressful, as I couldn't stop in a cafe or library with him. I just walked and walked.

I think you have to hold onto the thoughts:

1. It will pass and you will be telling the story on Mumsnet to another knackered mum in a few months time;

2. It will NOT hurt your eldest child;

3. Don't look at other babies and mums and try and compare.

valiumredhead Mon 16-Sep-13 14:52:39

I didn't feel that over whelming love until ds was 3 months old and he smiled at me in the bath. You have YEARS of over whelming love for him yet.

Sounds like things are improving and your gp sounds good smile x

PS the row thing is normal, you're both stressed and exhausted. Ds won't even remember it. You did the right thing apologising, just move on from it.

Haddock73 Mon 16-Sep-13 14:43:07

Thank you for the support everyone, really appreciate it. I saw the dr this morning, she was really kind and understanding and said it seems unlikely I have pnd which is good, it was more of a case of being exhausted and still in the postnatal stage so hormonal. She was sympathies and said if I ever felt things were too much to see her again or the HV, but to make sure I looked after myself, ate, slept when I could etc

She also said ds2 was gaining weight well and as he slept for 3 hour stretches at night it was unlikely he has silent reflux etc. I mentioned the constant screaming and she suggested I speak to the HV about that.

Dh and I had a horrendous row yesterday, we both screamed at each other for hours and in front of the boys which frightened ds1 and made him cry and he clung onto me the which was upsetting. After we calmed down we apologised to ds1 and gave him lots of hus, but I feel terribly guilty. We're rowing a lot more recently.

Am finding it easier to look at ds2 recently but still feel guilty that I don't feel that massiveoverwhemling love I did/do for ds1.

zing thank you I will check out the clip.

ZingWantsCake Mon 16-Sep-13 12:28:27

see my phone sent it 4 times for emphasis.

(sorry about that! )

ZingWantsCake Mon 16-Sep-13 12:27:24

I am *not kidding

ZingWantsCake Mon 16-Sep-13 12:27:24

I am *not kidding

ZingWantsCake Mon 16-Sep-13 12:27:24

I am *not kidding

ZingWantsCake Mon 16-Sep-13 12:27:23

I am *not kidding

ZingWantsCake Mon 16-Sep-13 10:59:36

Haddock

Check out Priscilla Dunstan Baby Language on The Oprah Show on YouTube!

I have 6 kids and only found out abput her with my last - I would go through all 6 labours (even the traumatic one and the C-section) happily if only I could start over armed with that knowledge! I am jot kidding!

SHE CHANGED MY LIFE! !!!

I can't link,but google it

whyno Mon 16-Sep-13 10:47:58

Sensing you a huge hug. Please know you're not alone. Have a 2 y o and a 3 wk old and all that kept me sane last night was reading this thread. Really identify with loads you said. Hope you have a good day today. It will get better!

78bunion Mon 16-Sep-13 09:41:53

Agree with Choos - our no,. 1 cried every night. We had a pattern I would breastfeed after work just about all evening or so it felt. I would go to bed at 10pm and sleep. Her father would hold her often over his shoulder patting her back until mid night. Then he would hand her to me if she were still awake and I would also feed her at 2 and 6. At 8 we both left for work with huge relief. She is now in her 20s and still sleeps very badly very often which is terribly helpful for her City job where fairly often she has to work all night after a full day....

GetYourSocksOff Sun 15-Sep-13 20:48:04

Hi, just checking in again to see how you're getting on.

I really, really feel for you with the crying. I feel judged a lot too since having my second. And feel a lot of guilt about my first. Hang on in there, it just gets gradually easier and easier as milestones are reached and yes, even though it's such a precious time in some ways, tbh it basically just feels like survival sometimes in those early days. That's not just you, either. Take care xx

Choos123 Sun 15-Sep-13 18:38:14

Haddock, I agree to seeing the dr but just wanted to say I can't imagine coping any better, dd cried 4pm to midnight til about 6/7 weeks, just getting through is just fine, don't beat yourself up. I bet most of those people you think are judging you in the street either feel sorry for you or are not nice people.

Spiritedwolf Sun 15-Sep-13 10:17:52

Thinking of you

Just going to repeat the pieces of advice I think are really important.

GP for you (not saying you do have PND because anyone getting that little sleep and hearing their baby cry all the time would be upset, but you are at risk)

and GP for your baby. I know some babies cry more than others, but it could be a sign of something wrong, like reflux. Is your baby feeding well? If there is no physical cause then you might find some information on babies who seem to have 'high needs' helpful www.askdrsears.com/topics/fussy-baby/high-need-baby/12-features-high-need-baby

Do get in touch with Home Start they offer support to parents of young children for all kinds of reasons, including exhaustion and being overwhelmed. Seriously, they could really help you.

It's not giving in to get help, really no one is going to judge you for needing a hand with this difficult situation.

78bunion Sun 15-Sep-13 10:13:17

I remember it being exactly like that (now they sleep in so late I am having lunch when they rise sometimes). It does get better.....

Our first did loads of crying. The answer seemed to be almost continuous breastfeeding (easier said than done); a white noise tape; a regular routine every night, no lights on in the dark at night, not much attention; sometimes co-sleeping; working full time from when they were a few weeks old so at least there was a break from them; at weekends trying to sleep from 2 - 4pm each afternon whilst the other half has the babies or a babysitter does.

magicturnip Sun 15-Sep-13 10:06:18

So sorry you feel like this. Haven't time to read all of the thread but if ds1 doesn't like ergo then take him out. Not all babies like all slings. Maybe try a kari me or a connecta instead?

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