Making a rod for my own back?

(43 Posts)
Charlotte1984 Wed 03-Jul-13 13:18:58

My 10.5 week old son will not be put down during the day-occasionally he will do 10 mins on his mat and thats it.

I have been told by many that I am creating a bigger problem in the future. I would love nothing more than to put him down so I could get on with some things bug he literally starts screaming (this is whether he is awake or asleep). I left him today to brush my teeth and wash my face and he was hysterical.

People say 'oh you should just leave him etc' but he gets into such a state that I think I must be doing some long term damage/think the neighbours may call social services!

It is getting me down to be honest and I find myself getting cross at him which then I feel so so so guilty about!

Charlotte1984 Wed 03-Jul-13 13:20:39

I have tried lying him on his mat, sitting him propped up, his vibrating chair but all result in screaming.

AnythingNotEverything Wed 03-Jul-13 13:29:44

Firstly, congratulations!

Secondly, you can't really make a rod for your back at this age. He's still really tiny.

Have you tried a sling? Is he happy to lie on a mat while he can see you, or does he scream regardless? Some babies feel very vulnerable laid on their backs. Might he be happier on his tummy?

Not sure I'm of much help but didn't want to read and run!

Charlotte1984 Wed 03-Jul-13 13:32:05

Thank you-success with the sling is sporadic to be honest. He screams literally the minute I put him down back or front even when he can see me..

GibberTheMonkey Wed 03-Jul-13 13:33:42

The reply is 'yes that rod keeps me upright and stops me keeling over'

Really he's tiny. Do what's nicest for you both

Charlotte1984 Wed 03-Jul-13 13:38:48

Thanks Monkey, thats a good retort to have up my sleeve but would love even 5 minutes in the day to be able to put him down...

ForTheLoveOfSocks Wed 03-Jul-13 13:39:25

My cuddly newborn is now nearly two. I'm lucky if I get a minute's cuddle these days sad

Ignore, ignore, ignore. You are not making a rod for your back, you are doing what your DS needs right now. I was told given the same advice. I chose to listen to my instincts. Enjoy your newborn snuggles envy

Gibber that's a bloody ace comeback smile

PunkyPod Wed 03-Jul-13 13:41:06

The rod comment is a myth. What type of sling do you use? Have you tried swaddling? And do you have a swing chair? DD was similar to yours and although she hated the bouncy chair she loved the swing chair.

BoysRule Wed 03-Jul-13 13:41:21

My DS1 did this - he didn't go on a play mat until he was 4 months as he would just scream. There is a great photo of all the NCT babies lying on the mats gurgling and DS1 bright red screaming.

I never felt that the screaming was to do with being clingy and wanting a cuddle - more of something being wrong. He wanted to be fed pretty much all day (I EBF). Anyway, to cut a long story short, when he was 4 months I was close to a nervous breakdown - couldn't put him down, he cried all day unless he was feeding etc. The HV suggested trying formula and he pretty much instantly stopped crying. I truly believe he was hungry and never got full up from my breastmilk.

Is he hungry? I don't think you can leave him as from the sounds of it he is screaming because there is something wrong.

TanglednotTamed Wed 03-Jul-13 13:42:54

My three DC have all been like this at that age (and for most of the first year, TBH). They are now 5,3 and 2, and don't cling to me every minute of the day. Don't worry!

WestieMamma Wed 03-Jul-13 13:43:15

I share your pain. Mine is 11 weeks old today and I can't put him down either. Fast asleep at the moment but he'll be wide awake the minute I put him down. I'm exhausted.

stretchy slings are generally more acceptable to small babies as they feel very enclosed in them. Look on you tube for tutorials.

If you do try swaddling make sure you put his legs in froggy position first or you could cause hip problems.

and yes. I coslept and bf and slung my baby continually as he screamed otherwise. Now he's 18 months and for the last year I pretty much only get cuddles if he's tired, injured or wants milk. somehow that rod has never materialised. ..

DS used to be like this, in fact he continued like that for 6 months, would not let me put him down at all! I just carried him with me, everywhere. It was very hard but when he got on the move, he got happy and now at 12mo, like others say, he rarely comes over to see me anymore, happily wonders around all day busying himself.

I'm glad I did it and didn't listen to those saying to leave him to learn to be independent. I listened to my instincts and the ones saying that children will become independent only when they feel secure. So I made him feel secure, and it worked.

Congrats, and good luck, I hope it eases soon for you

DS is 14 weeks and very similar.

I am quite chilled about it as he is DC2 and I know that it won't be a blink of an eye before he's 9yo and not that interested in me wink

However, full on exhaustion isn't fun so you need some help.

Firstly you are not creating a rod for your own back, you are making sure that your baby feels safe and secure, reassuring him that when he needs you, you are there. You are his world, he just wants to be near you. There are showers to be had, cleaning to be done and loo breaks that can't wait, so I would if I were you:

*Have a go at the sling for housework

*If you need a snooze or half an hour of not holding the baby, to give your arms a rest - try lying him on his side when you put him down asleep. DS hates lying on his back during the day and I have laid him on his front/side as he will happily give me half an hour to an hour in this position. I am in the room with him though and/or checking on him regularly (if your baby is tiny I would ask HV their opinion on this, DS is a huge chunk of a boy and can freely move his head and hold his head up lying on his front)

*Shower/baths - time it with his happy time, get his bouncing cradle or carseat in the bathroom with you, grab something sparkly and sing while you bathe/shower. He'll be fine, the change in acoustics may actually soothe him.

Charlotte1984 Wed 03-Jul-13 13:52:02

How are you coping Westie? Im exhausted and would just love to be able to put him down for 5 minutes. I am having to shower at night once he is in bed and get up with my partner just so I can make sure i have got dressed!

Feel like a failure as thought after 10 wks this would be getting easier but it doesnt feel like it is...

If you (or anyone reading) is interested in a sling but put off by the prices, Google 'Sling Libraries' or look it up on Facebook for your local area.

In my town we have monthly sling meets where you can hire and try before you buy as well as getting a demonstration and tutorial by a qualified sling person (no idea what they're called...tragel...kfjsldkfdj somthingortheothers)

Sling Library network

I was told about this by a lovely MNer and went along to a meet, am now the proud owner of a Mei Tai after trying a Wrapsody and not getting on with it at all. Both slings are £60+ new, so being able to test drive is brilliant.

You're not a failure at all.

You can't judge yourself by other people and their babies, or by how life was pre baby.

This is new and you need to adjust - 10 weeks is nothing, it's a drop in the ocean. However, it is your baby's lifetime so far which is why it feels so all consuming.

Everything you've said will ring a bell with everybody who ever had a baby. Please don't feel down. Be kind to yourself, take the pressure off and it really will get better and soon x

Cheeseatmidnight Wed 03-Jul-13 14:01:32

I read somewhere that up to 6 months the more contact the better, they need the emotional security

milktraylady Wed 03-Jul-13 14:09:18

Boysrule I had the same experience- my DD was hungry! Various bf problems at the time. Now she's not hungry & will 'hang out' happily not on me.

OP you could look at whether they are hungry?

If not- just cuddle / do everything 1 handed / do everything very fast.

Try out different slings to see what you both like.

Basically if you look at it like this- your baby is tiny & they rely on you for everything. Crying is telling you something. It could be hunger/ needs changed/ tummy pain/ too hot or cold. Or just wants a cuddle.

This rod business is nonsense. Your baby is a baby animal essentially. It is not thinking logically at 10 weeks. There is no possible way it is manipulating you. It is telling you something, you've just got to try to figure out what.

"you've just got to try to figure out what."

and if you ever define what that is, right a book and publish it - you'll be an overnight billionaire wink

milktraylady Wed 03-Jul-13 14:13:15

Ha ha yes!

It's crazy- you only figure out what was wrong AFTER you've fixed it.

Anxiety levels, high, moi?

to clarify - I have a list that I run through:

Are you:
tired
hungry
dirty bum
uncomfortable - clothes, too much/too little
want a cuddle
bored (lay on mat with me next to him to entertain)
over stimulated - older sibling being too loud/in his face

If all the above still come to nothing (which they often do) I just do the standing up, baby on shoulder jig. That settles him for a bit....sometimes

Babies are complicated little blighters grin

Ethlinn Wed 03-Jul-13 14:16:09

DS was like that. First four months of his life he was in my arms ALL the time. Everything else had to wait. It seemed like eternity though. He is nearly 6 months now and happy to play on his own, will let me do all the housework and have a shower. So I don't think I did something horribly wrong, the only thing I may be guilty of is over-cuddling. I could never leave such a tiny baby to cry! He is my first, so I don't have loads of experience with babies but I really think it will get better for you soon.

milktraylady Wed 03-Jul-13 14:19:44

Can I add- needs burped?

But that's my list too.

My sister texted me that list to help me in week 1!

I can't wait until DD can talk & tell me what's wrong. Going to try Makaton even. I hate not knowing what's wrong. And to think those few weeks of crying were hunger- oh my I feel bad about that. But gotta move on.
Everyday is a school day!

Good luck op

ksrwr Wed 03-Jul-13 14:21:46

i agree with what fortheloveofsocks says. at that age everything is just a phase. trust your instincts, enjoy the cuddles, have him attached to you 24/7, becuase it wont last.. .even though it feels like it might. you're doing brilliantly. well done!

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