Pass me the tissues, can I have a hand hold please?

[NumTumDeDum]

Just got back from collecting DD (4) from her dad and gf. Was very excited to see her as she's been away a week and a half. I have done her bedroom up and got her pretty new covers and cushions for her bed and some new slippers. I told her about it in the car and her response was she hates red (it has red hearts and flowers) and she wanted pink. She then threw a fit and told me she hated me and then didn't speak the rest of the way home. Got home, she doesn't like the slippers. She wants to go to the park but we can't as I have to go food shopping. I compromise and say if we walk to tesco in town instead of driving to aldi she can go to the small park. No. She has a melt down, she doesn't live me any more, in fact she hates me. I tell her I love her to which she shouts 'don't say that' and then kicks the hell out of ds's jumperoo and then smacks me repeatedly on the arm. I naughty stepped her, got a sullen sorry and when I tried to hug her she pushed me away and stormed off to her bedroom. I'm sat downstairs crying unable to summon the energy to get us all ready to go to the supermarket.

Deep down I know it's hard to adjust from hiusehold to household, and I know that dad tends to do what she likes and so it's hard for her to accept that I've got household chores/her brother to sort out as well. But at the moment I'm struggling because I missed her so I have dissolved like a big baby. Oh slap me or hand me a tissue, either might work.

[Fisharefriendsnotfood]

Oh how utterly shit for you . I have nothing helpful to add but my heart goes out to you

[Wishiwasanheiress]

Good grief I'm not hitting u for that situation! Sounds sad and painful for all. She probably missed u so much. I find dd whose only 2 is rather about face in action when feeling something very deeply. I realise ur child is older but I'm guessing she is maybe cross about things sad, missing u, loving u all, jealous of what might have been going on in her absence etc etc and just lashed out.

I'm sorry. Big hugs chocs and wine xxx

[MammyKaz]

That's awful. sorry I have no experience that might help in this situation but I've got the kettle on until you're ready to talk to her.

[NumTumDeDum]

Sniff. Thanks. She's just come and said sorry again but this time she seemed to mean it. I hate this. I thought it would be easier as she got older but it seems to get harder!

[Fisharefriendsnotfood]

You okay numtum?

[SingleMama]

Oh God!
You poor thing!
I'm in a similar situation in that my 2 are now going over to daddy's for one whole day + 1 dinnertime but no overnights so far because he's not capable- and no new girlfriends in the mix!
That's so horrible. I hate the way my kids come home so unsettled, exhausted, crying, on edge, fighting, saying 'you don't love me anymore!'
It's my fecking job to pick up the pieces and be a rock for them but hey! It's a tough job but someone's gotta do it! I was also advised not to take it all to heart and to detach myself from all the rubbishy stuff that my ex is doing/ saying to them and their reactions to it. And just look after my stuff and be there for them when they come home.
Sorry this turned into a bit of a rant about me. Hope it was helpful. Sometimes with my court case at the moment I really need a hand to hold too!
You can hold mine! Lol

[SingleMama]

Also! I never go food shopping. It's Tesco deliveries all the way

[Goldmandra]

A week and a half is a long time for a four year old to be away from you and with a new family member.

She has probably spent the whole time experiencing lots of very difficult emotions about missing you and her brother and possibly not being able to say so, plus struggling with her feelings about this girlfriend being involved in her life and her dad's.

Keeping all that together inside for a week must have been a mammoth task and she probably expected all those emotions to go away once she was with you but they didn't.

The fact that she's kicked off at you is a very backhanded compliment. It is because she feels able to let her feelings out and be herself around you. She knows that you will still love her whatever she does, whereas she isn't so secure with other people.

She isn't old enough to tell you how she feels about her parents being apart, having to leave you to be with him, him having introduced a new person to her family, etc so all she can do is lash out at the person who she feels safest with.

I hope things are better for you both very soon.

[letsgetreadytoramble]

Poor you, how upsetting. I don't want this to sound trite, and you may have already tried it, but I wonder if reading a picture book with her about step parents or blended families might help? It might help her to address the issue without having to find the words to talk about it. Or you could make your own picture book up about an animal in a similar situation (animals are better to use than humans as they allow a certain amount of detachment for the child.) if this sounds useful I'll try to get hold of some suggestions for you. Oh, and also, .

[TheUnicornsGoHawaiian]

goldmandra that makes perfect sense you know. I think that's a really helpful reply.

[NumTumDeDum]

Oh thanks so much everyone, I had to do all the domestic stuff last night so no time for mumsnetting. Things much improved overnight she seems very much back to her normal self.

I see what you're saying about kicking off with the person she feels secure with. Her dad has been with this gf for 18 months now so she is used to her and she seems actually to be a stabilising influence - for example she has organised dates for contact in advance whereas left to dad he would give me days notice and the contact was sporadic.

That being said the gf has two children of her own which brings its own problems. The eldest boy seems to be jealous of Dd and says things to frighteb her like there being monsters in wardrobes and under the bed (thankfully we resolved that one with Monsters Inc which helped loads). She volunteered this morning that the boy had told her there was no such thing as fairies and in particular the tooth fairy. How do I handle that one? She hasn't even had a chance to enjoy the tooth fairy myth she's 4! I couldn't bring myself to ask about father christmas. I know her dad will be as upset as I am about this but I don't see what he can do, the horse would appear to have bolted as it were.

It's just another stark reminder that I am co parenting by committee.

It's no one's fault, we are happier divorced but wow it's hard, and we for the most part are reasonably amicable. I really feel for those people who have to go to court, I can't imagine the awfulness of having your life examined in such a way.

[SingleMama]

Co-parenting by committee!!!
It is hard isn't it?

And Goldmandra those are very comforting insights!!!!!

Yeah court is bad but only because my ex is a liar, lying about previous times when he neglected the children in order to attempt to gain joint residency. If he were telling the truth it would be a lot simpler!

True though that I did beg him not to take this to court- I dreaded the idea but when you're dealing with an asshole...

[NumTumDeDum]

Singlemama, you have my sympathy. It isn't easy to deal with lies. We did initially have dealings through solicitors and I found the blanket denials devastating. An apology would have gone so much further. Our current family system is imperfect and could use some fresh ideas because in our case it wasn't suitable. And I say that as someone who used to work in it.

I shall keep muddling through and doing my best. Mumsnet has been a great comfort though, sometimes for the advice or different perspective and sometimes just for the chance to vent.