Gender issues/confusion for new mum

[ivanapoo]

This will probably sound strange and wrong to pretty much everyone but I'm hoping someone out there will have felt the same at some point...

We didn't find out the sex of our baby. When I found out I was pregnant at first I was convinced it was a boy, although I really didn't mind either way. At my 20 week scan a midwife referred to it as "she" so I thought perhaps it was a girl after all.

I thought so much about our baby in the later stages of pregnancy, but never imagined it as a boy or a girl really, just our baby.

When he was born - yes a DS - he was put on my chest and my first thought was "it's a girl" - before DH told me - "it's a boy!" I think I thought he was a girl because he looks like me and had quite soft features.

I love my son so much and of course i know he's a boy but I struggle to think of him as a "he". I have called him "she" in conversation and find myself browsing baby girl clothes. I have only sisters as does my DH and their first borns were girls so perhaps this is why.

I feel guilty and twisted for thinking this way. I honestly couldn't and wouldn't love him more if he were a girl so I don't know why my mind is playing tricks on me like this. I've tried talking to DH and other mum friends about this but it's clear they just don't get it.

Can anyone help? Will this feeling go away?

[Scootee]

Babies all look the same anyway IMO. It will go away when he's a toddler and they start to look like boys and girls. I wouldn't worry at all! If you really wanted, you could buy him clothes that are definitely boy looking so you ca get more used to thinking of him as a boy.

[MrsMorag]

I had this but in a neither way type thing. When I woke for night feeds I would wonder if DD was a boy or a girl. It is all just part of getting to know them and the fuzz of the beginning weeks. I thought the use of her name sounded a bit formal too. Like, woah, you have just been born and you already have a name! It will definitely pass. How old is your DS now? I imagine that a few months down the line you will think about this feeling and smile to yourself!

[ivanapoo]

MrsMorag what you describe is exactly how I've felt - like he was genderless - and I had the same thing with his name too.

He is 6 weeks old and thinking about it, it is definitely improving week by week as he gets more character. Thank you so much for replying, I feel better already.

[MrsMorag]

No probs, did feel really odd at the time and obviously now he is 5 I laugh at it! 6 weeks is very little and there is so much new stuff going on, and time on your own to think! . Don't worry about it - enjoy him and all the smiles and laughter that you will now get! another 6 week queries that you have?

[MrsMorag]

sorry, she is 5, have DS sitting next to me!

[Tolly81]

I know of people who have had this. I was convinced dd was a ds (I have older brothers, dh is one of 4 boys, etc) all the way through pg but actually when I was in labour about to give birth I just knew she was a girl. A friend of mine was convinced she was having a boy and they didn't even really have a girls name decided on and then when the baby was born the mw told them it was a girl and they weren't listening just kept saying "oh, look at him!". When they realised they were delighted but took a while to get their heads round it. Don't worry it's really common, it's a bit mind boggling to think that babies are going to grow into adults.

[ThreeWheelsGood]

It's okay, babies are genderless! Loads of recent research has proven that gender is societal not biological. Your baby is a baby, it's ok not to prescribe feminine or masculine traits/features at this stage.

[BurnThisDiscoDown]

I was convinced DS was a girl right until he arrived! I referred to him as she for aaaaages. The others who have replied are right though, as they get older they sort of grow into their gender and we get used to them being them. He's 18 months now and looks and acts like a little boy.

[slightlysoupstainedbabygrows]

I thought I had no strong feelings either way during pregnancy, or in fact when DS was born. However I found myself making slips of the tongue, referring to him as "her" occasionally, so I guess perhaps I did have some sort of expectation after all? Or maybe if I'd had a girl I would still have been making mistakes, but the other way?

It didn't really bother me (had a few brief pangs of embarassment that people might think it was a bit odd I didn't know the gender of my baby, but just told myself they'd assume I was just a bit potty from sleep deprivation ).

[WildeRumpus]

Hehe this reminds me. I always knew ds was a boy as we found out the gender at the 20 week scan... Yet when he was born I kept forgetting what he was and yes, found using his name really odd for ages.

With this pregnancy I also know we are having another boy... And keep referring to him as 'she' in my mind! Is very annoying.

You are not alone :)

[ellesabe]

Loads of recent research has proven that gender is societal not biological

WHAT? ...What about the penis?

[ThreeWheelsGood]

Gender is societal, sex is biological.

Hth

[5madthings]

My dd is 26mthsd, despite two scans casting she was a girl I was still convinced she was a boy! And I still refer to her as a boy sometimes, purely because after four boys some habits are hard to break

Little babies ate gender neutral tbh, he will grow into his personality and his gender :)