Mortified by DD's behaviour - WWYD?

[catnipkitty]

Hello!
Not sure if I'm over-reacting...or how to deal with this...
Background is DD1 nearly 9yrs old, changed junior schools last March. She has kept in touch with one particular girl X and recently when having a playdate it has become apparent that they wrote letters to 3 other girls in DD's old class that said some horrible things... According to DD, X 'told her' to write these things...according to friend's mum this wouldn't have happened as X really likes these girls.

It's just all horribley awkward.I'm mortified that DD would do this and have talked to her about not doing what someone else tells you to..how would you feel etc. I think X's mum is being rather blinkered TBH as X has told me that she doesn't like the girls at school. I've not said this to X's mum and just taken full responsibilty for the sake of our friendship. I've contacted the mums of the girls who received the letters to apologise and have told DD that she must write letters of apology to these girls too.

Really interested in what others would do in this situation.
Thank you
C x

[Weissbier]

I'd do exactly what you did. Good for her to learn passing the buck's not on (regardless of whether she was told to do it or not, she still wrote the letters) and you can't do anything about the other mum. You and your DD are taking responsibility for her part in it and that's all you can do. If it's any consolation you're both behaving much better than X's mum!

Don't feel bad, nobody should hold it against you anyway and not your DD either after nice apology letters

[steppemum]

I would make her write letters of apology and talk to her about it.

i might talk to herabout how putting things in writing always seem more hurtful than a comment made verbally, and so we should be careful what we write anyway.
and how writing something means we say things that we wouldn't say to someone's face, so we say things which are much nastier. So don't do it.

and I would talk about being led into doing something you wouldn't otherwise do

Then I think it is dealt with, and I would leave it.

[catnipkitty]

Thank you both for your replies. I think (hope) DD feels suitably sorry and I will be getting her to write the apology letters today in her own words (with me checking!!) so hopefully this will get her to really think about the consequences of her actions.
Sigh. Just when you think you've got this parenting thing sorted...

[Tolly81]

Well done catnip this sounds really hard but I think you're doing the right thing and making her think about the consequences. As others have said you can't make the other mum behave appropriately you can only make sure your daughter doesn't do this. What are you going to do about her seeing this other girl?

[catnipkitty]

Thanks Tolly. Interestingly I asked DD if she and X could be trusted together if left to their own devices and she said "I don't know", which makes me wonder if she's meaning that she doesn't want to be put in that situation again. They do really like eachother and DD needs to be able to sort out her own friendship issues as we won't be hovering over her as she gets older and can't police everything she gets up to... I think they'll still be seeing eachother but we'll back off for a while and prob just do 'days out' where they can't hole up in a bedroom and plot dasterdly deeds!!