how would you handle this - tantrum related

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

My ds who is just 4 keeps bursting into fake tears when he doesn't get his way. Its all waa waa scream moan please I want waa etc. Its loud and i can't handle it. It seems an automated response and i want it to stop! Usually Im trying to explain why he can't have chocolate two mins before dinner but he's so busy making a fuss that he can't hear what Im saying.

My natural reaction to such behaviour is to want him to shut up and Im afraid I've said that a few times. I find that a very rude thing to say although i know from a previous thread on here that a lot of people think its ok to say to kids, i don't.

A lot of the time its about minor things like what cup he wants which drives me crazy because i don't feel its worth making a fuss about although he obviously does. I find it rather stupid which is where is probably comes clear that i just don't understand kids! Im a bit crap like that.

So earlier it was because i was on the phone and he asked for juice. They know not to talk to me when Im on the phone but he usually does anyway and in fairness he didn't realise i was on it. He asked for juice and i said i was on the phone and to wait. He then burst into the fake crying really loudly and i couldn't continue my quiet important conversation until he was quiet. I shouted at him so not great and he quietened down a bit.

So how would you handle it? I can't always just leave the room but i can't be next to that attention seeking i want my own way about something unimportant noise! Sending him to his room on the step seems like i would be saying that he's not allowed to express his own feelings so i don't usually do that.

Help?

[CappuccinoCarrie]

Ignore ignore ignore! When there's no reaction from you, the behaviour loses its appeal. I would have a chat with him at a time when he's in a good mood, saying that his loud outbursts whenever he's told 'no' are unacceptable, and that he'll be put on the step/sent to his room/somewhere on his own with no attention, until he calms down. Then next time he does it, just pick him up or take him by the hand to the place you've warned him about, and leave him there to calm down. He'll soon learn that these overdramatic outbursts don't get him anywhere.

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

So you don't think time out is a terrible thing to do in these circumstances?

[OnceUponAThyme]

my dd is 4 and is prone to dramatics over silly things. what I do is to tell her to go to her bedroom and calm down, it removes the attention from her and she has decided a few times on her own to "talk about things" rather than screech.

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

Erg he did the instant whine thing 3 times in the space of about 30 seconds and i got cross and shouted . . . straight after having decided to do the ignoring thing!

How crap is that!

[OnceUponAThyme]

it's not crap, whinging is the most annoying sound on earth. we all occasionally snap and shout, theres always another time for trying the ignoring method

[5madthings]

Put him on the stairs and say you will talk to him once he has calmed diwn. You have my sympathies, ds4 slso four does this, he gets short thrift!

[valiumredhead]

Ignore!

If you are on the phone, just tell him you will be 2 mins - walk away and lock yourself in the loo with the phone if the call is really important.

Another thing my sister does which works really well is to say ' When you can use your nice voice I will listen' or ' Now can you tell me what you want using your normal polite voice please?'

[SavoyCabbage]

I used to carry a small book about flags in my bag to read for out of the house tantrums.

[5madthings]

Yes I say use a nice voice or a calm voice etc. I do that when they are whining as well, not just tantruming. Cannot stand whiny moany children!

[CappuccinoCarrie]

One of the best phrases I picked up from another mum was "I'd love to hear what you've got to say but i'm afraid I don't speak whinge". You get to validate that they have an opinion, and keep your cool, and they can choose to speak nicely (or not!)
You can say a similar thing with the tantrums - "love to hear what you've got to say, but I'm afraid I can't hear the words when you're screaming." Then when they do talk nicely, make sure you're down on their level, giving eye contact and listening like what they're saying is the most important thing in the world.

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

Valium. I say those things too but just don't always have the patience. I needed to be in front on my computer unfortunately so couldn't go anywhere else but will do that in future.

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

Thanks everyone for your advice. Todays been a bit easier as we have visitors and Im always calmer when there are other people around for some reason.

[Cantbelieveitsnotbutter]

little things to them are the important things in life (not saying your doing anything wrong but its something to remember).

If its a truly silly tantrum then do ignore. No point explaining your reasoning if he can't hear. Wait til he's calm. Explain it then move on

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

Cantbelieve. Yeah i know that deep down but hard to remember when Im short of patience.

I wish i understood children more or had more experience of them before i had my own. I feel like a complete incompetent chucked in at the deep end.

[CatL]

You have my sympathy - my 3 year old DD is similar, and I always loose my temper abnd shout.

I've just finished reading '1-2-3 Magic' and although not really had much chance to put it into practice yet, it makes a lot of sense to me. He would recommend time-out / sent to room etc in this circumstance, once had 2 warnings (hence 1, 2, 3). I think that's fine - you are teaching him he needs to express his feelings in a different way. he isn't a 2 year old anymore, so he needs to learn what is acceptable. You said yourself they seem to be fake tears - you know yourself if it is genuine distress , and then you wouldn't punish him.

The key thing in the book, which I definitely need to work, is when this is going on, you do no talking (apart from to count 1, 2, 3) and show no emotion. He points out there is no point explaining, reasoning etc at this moment, because they are not in a frame of mind to listen and it just gives them a chance to argue back.

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

I have been thinking of getting that book for a while. Think i will do.

[Wolfiefan]

I love the flag book advice!
I explain I won't listen to yelling, moaning or shouting. Tell them to come to me when they have calmed down and walk off.
Gotta love the tantrum stage!
Toddler. Not GP having a tantrum. Now that would be odd!