Ways to reprimand a child

[MissingInAct]

So we have this recurring problem with ds2 (7.5yo).
He hits his db on a regular basis. This has happened when he was really angry (rage type of things) and I believed him when he said he was so angry he couldn't stop himself (You could see on his face he was completely beside himself).
This however has now moved to hitting on purpose and not when so angry (ie he was in control) which I am not prepare to accept under no circumstances (Not that I accepted hitting in a rage either).

Whatever we ave done so far doesn't seem to have any effect on ds2.
Removal of privileges leaves him cold (Oh yes, OK then)
Explaining and talking makes him realize how bad it was but just do it again the day after.
Putting him in his room on his own, well he is quite happy with that anyway and has always been able to play/be on his own for hours at a time.
He just doesn't care about privileges (or removal of privileges) - sticker charts etc... have never ever had any impact on him.

So, wise MNtters, what can we do? I am really looking for something that I could do straight away and that will drive to him how unacceptable it is. Any ideas?

[MissingInAct]

bump

[Tinselandchocolates]

Hi, didn't want to read and run. My DS is only 2.5 so no experience to help, but I'd look at why he's getting so angry (?any trouble at school) and find an outlet for the aggression such as martial arts, where control is focused on.
In the immediate, you need to find his Achilles heel (chocolate, pocket money, tv, playstation) and try removing it. Or when he's calm ask him what he thinks would help him stop, like a safe word or another way to express his anger.
Hopefully someone with experience will be along soon with something helpful.
Good luck.

[tumbletumble]

I agree with tinsel that there must be something that he would really miss if he was deprived of it?

Also agree that it would be better to dig down and find the reasons behind his behaviour. Have you read How to Talk so Kids Listen and Listen so Kids Talk?

[greenbananas]

He is 7 years old, so I'm guessing he is able to understand the consequences pf what he is doing. How about asking him what he thinks a suitable sanction should be? Catch him when he is being good, praise him for how good he is being and tell him how much you love it when he behaves well, then ask him what sort of punishment he thinks he should get when he does bad things like hitting his brother. He might surprise you.

[lljkk]

Are you sure little brother isn't being a turd provoking him on purpose?
Some do, you know.

[MissingInAct]

A few answers to your questions.

Reason for his anger: quite a complex thing, probably some sort of language issue (we have started some evaluation with a SALT). I wouldn't rule out AS (or probably more AS traits) but as he hasn't been assessed as such, so really we don't know.

Something that he really cares about: apart from his cuddly, no I can't think of anything that made a difference (I have tried all the usual, TV, DS, sent to his room etc...). The one and only thing is his cuddly. But then that's also the one we gave him as a baby as a comforter. Taking it away would be just cruel tbh.

Explanation: when calm, if asked he will say he should never do that and that he is sad to have hurt his db. He will go and apologize (I mean a real apology, not a 'sorry' you have to say iyswim). However, these last times were much more deliberate acts which is causing me more problems.

His brother he is actually older than him and yes he can be bossy and a pain. But that doesn't allow ds2 to hit him.

[tumbletumble]

If he has AS traits you could try posting on the SN board for discipline ideas?

[AngelDog]

Have you read Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber & Mazlish? Lots of good ideas there.

[LynetteScavo]

DS1 was a hitter.

I tried everything.

The only thing which worked was sitting him down when he was calm and asking him nicely not to hit us (it was DH and I who he was hitting). I told him I was worried about when he was big, and still hitting up. Weirdly it worked, and he stopped hitting.

It's worth a try.

[NaturalBaby]

I'm reading playful parenting which gives quite an interesting viewpoint on children's behaviour.
My 3yr old hits a lot and has a lot of anger and resentment towards his brothers as there is a very close age gap between all of them.
Ironically enough love and understanding is the only thing that's made a difference to his behaviour. When he feels happy and has lots of love and affections and play from me then he doesn't hit.
The only other thing that works is just to be there to prevent it. Virtually impossible I know. I would interpret the hitting at unprovoked times as an escalation of his behaviour because he is not getting what he needs.

[GrumpySod]

Natural: How useful is the Playful parenting book? Does it offer practical advice.

I agree that softly softly approach can be much more productive than punishment. If punishment works, fine, but when it doesn't...

I can't tell you how many stories I know about kids who chronically wind siblings up until they get hit, then run to tell parents to get the hitter in trouble. No idea if applicable to your situation, BUT, I also think it's a mistake to overly focus on violence as the worst behaviour.