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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

How do I stop being so irritable and short with my children..and possibly even cruel?

42 replies

handlemecarefully · 27/03/2006 21:34

Find myself resenting the children and being intensely irritable and short with them. Think on a sustained basis this could be quite cruel (i.e. they are entitled to a warm, considerate caring mum who makes time for them, not a screaming harridan - that surely affects their general well being)

Have a 23 month old and a 3.9 year old. Am a SAHM (relatively newly - quit work in December). DD attends Pre-School 10 hours per week but DS is always with me. Never a moment when I am child free.

Is this the answer. If I put ds into a Nursery place for a long morning once per week (4.5 hours), would that do the trick do you think and make me less bitter? I suspect it will?? - any experiences of feeling similarly about your lo's and what you did to change this around?

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Hulababy · 27/03/2006 21:35

It sounds like you need a little bit of time just for you, whether that be during the week or at a weekend. Even if it is just to sit in the bath and read a book for an hour, or do the shopping on your own.

Yorkiegirl · 27/03/2006 21:35

I would go for putting DS in childcare for a little time each week. I often arrange for my DDs to have time at childcare during the school holidays just so I can have a bit of time for me.
Do you go to the gym? If you do is there a creche? That could be a way to get some time to yourself.
I know how you feel. Completely and utterly. It feels as if the world is closing in on you sometimes doesn't it.

NomDePlume · 27/03/2006 21:37

Get DS in a nursery for a morning a week or whatever, it'll do him good from a social pov and give you a bit of time to re-group and do something just for you, saving you from this creeping resentment.

handlemecarefully · 27/03/2006 21:39

Ah so it probably is the answer then? I hope so...

Yorkiegirl - you feel like that too sometimes? Do you think your children bear the brunt of it occasionally when you feel a bit like that?

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charliecat · 27/03/2006 21:40

As well as the few hours week for yourself I would do as little as possible on somedays, like stay in jimjams, watch tv on the sofa snuggled up so the contant feed/change/washup/brush/bath thing is eased a bit or you sit more inbetween so it feels less.
Make an effort NOT to screech..go scream in a pillow and remember to go have a cuppa by yourself when they are occupied...get away when possible.

bunny3 · 27/03/2006 21:40

Hi HMC, I feel like a rotten mother some days. It's crap isnt it? I adore my children but began to resent the constant demands on me - dd is quite a clingy toddler and ds is not a child who will sit and watch tv, I felt between them they were draining me. So in January I joined a gym and I put dd in the creche there once a week for 2 to 3 hours - I am sure it keeps me sane. I really look forward to some time alone and then after a decent workout/sauna and coffee I look forward to picking her up.

GDG · 27/03/2006 21:43

hmc - mine do, don't beat yourself up. I too think a little time for your 23 month old in childcare will do him no harm at all and do you the world of good.

I know exactly how you feel and come September when ds3 is 24 months - he'll be going for a couple of mornings too!

I have to work so it's really for that reason - but if it saves your sanity and makes you a less stressed mummy, it's surely worth it? Your children are still getting the majority of their time with you.

In the school holidays I go completely bananas - when ds1 is at school, ds2 in his morning pre-school and ds3 has a morning nap - I'm a much nicer, kinder mummy!!

beetroot · 27/03/2006 21:43

HMC, i think it will help. why don't you give it a go? My est mate has wednesdays off. all her boys go to school or nursery for the whole day...she finds the time a wonderful release and can relax, chat shop without a child around herlegs whinging

Skribble · 27/03/2006 21:44

I did get myself into a rut like this, it does help to get time to yourself. It works better if you actually have something to do when you do get time, I had to force myself not to sit at home with my head in my hands.

I also found it helped to be more involved in playing with them at home. I tended to withdraw to the settee with a cuppa and crack up if i could hear them. It was a lot less stressful to get down on the floor and be absorbed into what everthey are doing.

Sometimes setting up more structured activities helped. I used to love arts and crafts and hadn't really done much with the kids so we started to spend a few afternoons up to our ears in pencils, paper and sellotape.

There was times when it got really silly and i would find myself bollocking the kids for no reason. I would have to take a step back. One technique, now don't laugh, was to pretend I was on the telly, nothing like imagining millions are watching you to make you act like the perfect mum. Just like when you stand in the kitchen and talk to camera pretending you are Nigella Lawson or Delia. (Maybe thats just me . Supernanny springs to mind, even if it is an act it was safer for the kids to have a lunny for a mum than an ogre ready to snap.

busybusybee · 27/03/2006 21:45

HMC -I know exactly how you feel on this one - I find it very difficult to be super mummy all the time. childcare for a few hours a week would definitely help me - I think it would help you too!

handlemecarefully · 27/03/2006 21:45

Hi Bunny,

Umm I am a gym member and it has a creche - really must use it! Only time I tend to use it currently is to put ds into the creche for one hour on a Monday morning whilst I accompany dd to Tots tennis!

I'll perhaps aim to book 2 sessions per week as a start - since exercise lifts the spirits.

Was wondering - I am also a perfectionist (house has to be meticulously orderly and tidy etc). Dh reckons I should really work at trying to be a domestic slob and learning to let things slide; so that I have more time for me and more time to do pleasant things with the kids

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bunny3 · 27/03/2006 21:46

Skribble I do the tv thing too! It makes me very aware of what I am doing/saying.

handlemecarefully · 27/03/2006 21:48

Skribble - I think that's a brilliant idea actually; i.e. pretend that you have an audience. After all when they are being very trying in a public area - I always manage to keep a lid on the temper!

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Skribble · 27/03/2006 21:48

Ha Bunny3 I knew I wasn't the only one.

bunny3 · 27/03/2006 21:51

HMC, hi . I def let the housework slide - I keep up with essential stuff but the stairs get hoovered about once every 8 weeks, seriously. YOu cant do everything. Stick your two in the creche and have some time to yourself, if you cant be bothered with a workout, buy a crap magazine and a latte then sit in the coffee shop for a hour or two - Ive done it.

Skribble · 27/03/2006 21:54

If I let the housework slide anymore they will send in the environmental health. I will have to pretend I am on "Perfect Housewife" or that one with Kim and Aggy! Funny I never married the house though.

I have no excuse my 2 are at school all day now and I gave up the weekday work I was doing. I blame my MIL she always needs a lift somewhere then wants to go out for lunch .

mazzystar · 27/03/2006 21:55

Skribble that is brilliant.

hmc - do it. my ds goes to nursery 2 days a week - has done since he was 7 months purely for the sake of my sanity (and i do have soem freelance work sometimes, though by no means all the time). ten months later he seems to LOVE it. btw i think children tend to settle more happily if they go for more than one session per week.

GDG · 27/03/2006 21:56

hmc - the housework is part of my problem tbh - it's a big house, it's old and it gets very messy, very dusty, the wooden floors get a lot of juice splashed on them, carpets get a lot of breadsticks crushed into them...and I'm a virgo - I can't stand it, and I spend a lot of my time trying to keep on top of it. I'm learning to let it slide a bit (but I'd feel better if a cleaner did it!!!!).

Dottydot · 27/03/2006 21:56

yes - I would!! I'm just realising the 'joys' of looking after ds's - similar ages to yours - on my own on Sundays + 3 evenings a week, so tiny amounts really and already it's wearing me out..!

I'm finding the only way I can not lose my temper on a Sunday is to slow down a bit - I'm used to being at work and things moving pretty quickly - maybe you're finding it tricky to adjust from work pace to home pace? I'm learning to slow down, not worry about keeping things on time - and that way the day passes quicker anyway 'cos we're taking longer to do stuff!!

But child-free time sounds like it would be bliss for you - go for it.

handlemecarefully · 27/03/2006 21:56

Just wanted to say - although I've mentioned bunny's, scribble's and yorkiegirl's posts directly. I have read everyone's comments and am very grateful to you all, because I'm having a mini crisis over this currently!

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Miaou · 27/03/2006 21:57

I do the tv thing!!!Soooo glad I'm not the only one. I'm tempted to start a separate thread to see who else will admit to it....

Hmc - some great suggestions here. Have you noticed that there are particular "flashpoints" in your day or routine - ie teatime (or just before), or when you are trying to put the washing out, or cook a meal? If you can identify those certain points, it may help to work out a strategy to get you through them.

handlemecarefully · 27/03/2006 22:01

Please don't mind me prying and asking this Skribble - I am genuinely impressed if you do manage to let the housework go a bit, but do you feel awkward if you have visitors and you have bits of squashed biscuits on the carpet and toys strewn everywhere. Or have you been able to whole heartedly embrace the philosophy that there are more important things in life?

(Gdg,it's a tough one to crack isn't it)

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thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 27/03/2006 22:01

It's such a tough age. I do think some time off would benefit all of you. I have been having quite some guilt in that department recently too. But the thing I have to do, to keep calm, is keep reminding myself that they are not adults - I know in one sense that sounds blumin obvious - but what I mean is that the reason we (well, for me, anyway) loose our rag is that we take the way they treat us personally. I see personal affronts and selfishness at every turn. but you have to remember that it's just not like that. It's difficult but it does help to keep this in mind.

charliecat · 27/03/2006 22:02

Only have visitors when YOU want them solves the living in a shithole problem...

expatinscotland · 27/03/2006 22:02

Wine. Copious amounts of wine.

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