What's the best way to make proper friends in a new area?

[Loy]

I moved to a new area last August when I was pregnant. Now I have a 3 year old and a new baby. I have started to go to mother and toddler groups and know a handful of people to have a chat with but not well enough to even do coffee let alone go out for an evening of drinks.

Whilst I know it's not unusual to have zero social life when you have a young baby, I'd still like to know that I might gain one in the future. Going out to dinner with DH is all very nice but I have to admit, I really miss going out for drinks in female company.

I'm not likely to go back to work for another few years. What are the best avenues for really getting to know other mothers in a social capacity. At toddler groups - I find it diffciult to get beyond (or get other people beyond) that pilot stage. Would it be easier to make strong friendships if I volunteered for soemthing, like the NCT, or if I did something completely unrealted to children like an evening class or joined another voluntary organisation.

I've always managed to make friends easily before but for some reason, when wearing the mummy mask, I feel like a completely different person, and find it difficult to project my true personality.

I'd appreciate any advice from anyone who has moved to a new area with children. Thanks

[Loy]

pilot should be polite

[puff]

An evening class would be a good idea - pick something you are really interested in and hopefully you will come across like-minded people

[nailpolish]

yes i think non-baby stuff like evening classes would be a good idea

maybe you will meet other sahm mums

the WI is making a comeback these days - have you thought about that?

[nailpolish]

i think non-baby stuff would be good, esp, considering what you said about not being your true self when wearing mummy-mask (i get that too)

good luck!

[suzywong]

Yes, the key is like minded people

I moved to Australia with baby and 3 year old and although playgroup was good I didn't find my best Australian friend till I got to the school gates, just more of a selection I guess.

IME the thing to do is Listen. Good listeners can get people to open up and when you find a strand of a person's life or interests that you can identify or empathise with, that's when you move in for the kill and drop the mummy-mask and be an individual

Good luck

[lucy5]

When I moved tp Spain. I met people in the local park and I actually went for coffees with people much sooner than I would have done had I been in my hometown. I now have some great friends after initially feeling lonely. My advice is don't wait for people to ask you. All Mums want playdates. Have you looked at the meet up threads for your area? Go to the library, take the baby to be weighed, Jo Jingles etc Go where other mums will be and this is good for your 3 year old and you. Sorry if im stating the obvious

[Surfermum]

What about inviting one or two that you chat with for coffee and take it from there? Someone at toddler group who was new to the area did that for her dd's birthday. She asked 3 of us, including another lady who was also new to the area too. All we'd really said to each other was "hello, how are you, awful weather" sort of thing, but we hit it off and now there's a little gang of 4. But it took one of us to make the first move.

[WideWebWitch]

Hi Loy. When I moved to a new area I joined a playgroup, got on the committee and made quite a few friends that way. Then I moved again locally, only knowing one person and we made a poster saying something like '2 local mothers would like to meet others with children for outings in the school holidays: trips to the beach, blah blah' and we met some really nice people that way.

I'm about to move again too and will watch this thread with interest as I don't know anyone in the new area at all. Ha ha at SW move in for the kill. Good advice tohugh about listening, people love to talk about themselves (understandably!)

[TearsBeforeBedtime]

Join a book group. Libraries/bookshops tend to have them these days. Great for feeling like you're doing something intellectual and non mummy mask like.

[Mazzystar]

As well as the evening classes, I think the NCT is a great idea. Where I live, its members are mainly people who are new to the area, or who don;t have a big family support structure nearby - so they are set up for being friendly!

But I would also recommend, biting the bullet and inviting one or two mums round for a coffee. You just won't get beyond the polite stage unless you do.

[katyp]

Does your local NCT branch have neighbourhood groups? - they often have regular coffee mornings and even nights out - a good way to meet people in the locality. Does your older child go to a playgroup - if so you could try inviting other children in the group around for playdates. If you go to a toddler group regularly, maybe suggest to the organisers about arranging a night out in a restaurant once a term (and volunteer to organise it?). It's often easier to get to know people properly when children aren't around interrupting conversations.

I'm not sure that evening classes are a great way of meeting people, ime, but at least you would be getting out in the evening.

I have to say I didn't have many friends locally until dd started school (but I did work full time before that)

[acnebride]

would second all of these, and volunteering; just do everything you can as locally as you can and you will find it's usually the same people going round and round, and suddenly it's easier to talk. i only have 1 kid so it's easier but the stuff I do locally is;

going to church
going to synagogue
clerk to the governors of the primary school
community centre book group
attending every parent group going plus being a fixture at the playground
evening classes

[Mazzystar]

oh yes, NCT "Mum's Night's Out" have been VERY entertaining.

[MissChief]

Syangogue AND church, AB? Are you covering all bases to get into a good local school??

[Surfermum]

I'd agree with checking out the meet ups thread. I've also made some lovely friends who enjoy a good night out on here.

[nailpolish]

lol at 'covering all bases'

[acnebride]

funny, everyone thinks that...

[amylou]

How about organising some sort of selling party at your house with a local rep? something like osbourne books or phoenix cards, or body shop?

I moved to a new area a couple of years ago and although you meet mums at the school gate its only usually a quick hello before everyone rushes off to do their jobs..

So i organised a phoenix cards party at my home and invited about 10 mums that I knew.. We had a great evening, a glass of wine and nibbles and everyone really enjoyed themselves. It was nice to have more than 5 minutes to chat and I would certainly do it again..
Since then it was my birthday so I asked a few mums who came to my card party if they wanted to go out for a meal so they all jumped at the chance to get out of the house for a night!
I think if you want to do something sometimes you just need to organise it yourself or it wont happen..
hope you manage to meet some nice friends

[Loy]

Thanks everyone. You've given me some fresh ideas and I realise I need to take the bull by the horns instead of expecting other people to do so. I will endeavour to do better