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Parenting

If you bottle fed your first would you feel bad about breastfeeding a second?

45 replies

wannaBe1974 · 13/01/2006 12:13

My sister is currently pg with her second baby - she has a 2 year old DS. When her DS was born, she did try to breastfeed, but as some may relate, things didn't go very well and she abandoned attempts when he was a week old and bottle fed him instead. Recently we were talking about her having her second baby and I asked if she was going to try and breastfeed again to which she replied that she didn't really think so, because she wouldn't really want to give something to her second baby that she wasn't able to give to her first one. I'd never really thought about it like that, as if I had a second one I probably would try and breastfeed again even though I also wasn't able to breastfeed my DS.

Would anyone else feel like this?

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starlover · 13/01/2006 12:15

i feel like that! i am hoping that when i have number 2 i will feel differently, and tbh i think i will probably try and breastfeed again anyway...

but it does make me feel horrible inside. i was desperate to feed ds myself and it didn't work out, and I just can't imagine breastfeeding another child... it isn't fair

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beansprout · 13/01/2006 12:15

I can understand why she might feel like that but logically (and I know there are other factors at play!!) the first baby had all sorts of things that the second one won't get like undivided attention for starters!! If it were me, I would try and get my head around it and give it a go.

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colditz · 13/01/2006 12:16

i feel like that. am pg with number 2, and ds was entirely bottle fed.

feel very guilty, but am going to give it a try anyway. And if it works, I shall lie to ds1 all his life and tell him he was breastfed just like his brother.

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Tinker · 13/01/2006 12:17

Think that's mad! Not doing something that you believe is better just because you didn't do it first time. Can understand feelings (presume guilt?) but mad not to try for those reasons.

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Blossomhill · 13/01/2006 12:19

I am the other way. Breastfed ds (1st) and then bottlefed dd (2nd). Did feel a bit guilty but with a 19 month age gap knew it would be hard breastfeeding dd and looking after a toddler.

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tribpot · 13/01/2006 12:19

I would certainly try again with number 2. Okay if in years to come ds1 had some problem which might be linked to not being bf and mini-trib 2 didn't have it, I would feel guilty, but I know many people, including one of my SILs, who hasn't managed to bf number 1 but successfully bf number 2 and subsequent little ones.

I think it's v unlikely, colditz, that your ds1 will ever care whether he was bf or not!

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milward · 13/01/2006 12:21

Get bf support - the nct or la leche league. Go to a bf talk at your clinic or hospital. If you run into probs call on your support to help. Often with bf the smallest thing can make all the difference & talking to someone who's been through it can really help xxx

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RosiePosie · 13/01/2006 12:21

I feel like that to a certain extent, but not enough to have put me off. I mix fed no. 1 for four months before entirely moving onto formula and bf no. 2 for 18 months. I'm a little regretful, but not to a huge extent. I'm expecting no. 3 and actually planning on bf only for a few weeks before moving onto bottles ( may change my mind though ). Maybe I'm just a very selfish person who puts myself first? I dunno.

Breastfeeding is beneficial to the mother too, protecting against certain cancers etc, so perhaps looking at it like that would be helpful?

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wannaBe1974 · 13/01/2006 12:22

Yeh I think it is guilt more than anything else really. she did say she would try for the first few days so her next baby at least got the collostrum (sorry can't spell) as her first DS did, I wonder more if it's a case of that she won't feel so guilty about putting the new baby on to bottles if it doesn't workas she did with her DS. I know that when she decided to stop trying with her DS a midwife came round and told her she had to keep trying and that giving up was bad for her baby etc etc, in the tactful way that midwives seem to not possess sometimes! She was emotionally quite vulnerable at the time and felt she was being bullied into persisting. Whereas I decided to give up and told the midwife when she came round that I'd stopped and was bottle feeding and DS was fine and I refused to feel guilty about it.

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RosiePosie · 13/01/2006 12:23

Just to add, the fact that my bottle fed child never had a cold until he was 18 months and is extremely healthy, where as my breastfed child had cold after cold as a baby and eczema, probably appeases my guilt in some bizarre way.

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milward · 13/01/2006 12:23

I wasn't bf as my mum didn't want to. When I heard all the benefits of bf plus nothing to organize I wanted to give it a go. So despite no family support I did this & am pleased I could.

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RosiePosie · 13/01/2006 12:25

Yes, I think women should be able to choose to bottlefeed, without feeling the need to come up with excuses. I don't think there is anything wrong with a woman just saying "I'd rather bottlefeed, it's as simple as that".

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cathyspam · 13/01/2006 12:26

I had great difficulty BF DS1 and abndoned for bottles but tried again with DS2 without feeling guilty because I had tried my best. Incidentally it was even worse with DS2 and he ended up on bottles too but when I have another I will still try again - glutton for punishment1

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RosiePosie · 13/01/2006 12:27

I know of someone who bottlefed all but her 10th baby, so it's never too late to try again!

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chjlly · 13/01/2006 12:32

I tried bf ds he was prem & had to express but I ended up having problems with paediatritions and ended up bottlefeeding him when dd was born I tried so hard and maybe too hard to breastfeed and that didn't work either so I would love the chance to solely breastfeed again but doubt I will have anymore babies anyway

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robin3 · 13/01/2006 12:33

I feel like that and am expecting No2 but I will be trying to Breastfeed again because it's the best thing for the baby. I only managed the first 4 weeks last time. I feel guilty about my failure last time and guilty about DS1 having lost out, but i figure he's gained lots more of my exclusive attention that my second baby will ever get so it all evens itself out. The key thing is that you try to give every child the best that you can at the time.

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NotQuiteCockney · 13/01/2006 12:38

My mom bottlefed me, but breastfed my sister. She wanted to breastfeed me, but the nurses gave me bottles, which put me off breastfeeding.

I don't resent my mom for breastfeeding my sister! That would be silly!

I do resent her seeming to still be annoyed at me for having nipple confusion, though.

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NotQuiteCockney · 13/01/2006 12:39

Oh, to add, I was firstborn, my sister was secondborn. My sister got lots of stuff I didn't - mom went back to work when I was tiny, didn't do that with sister, etc etc.

Life is tricky, every child gets different treatment, that's just how it is.

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wannaBe1974 · 13/01/2006 12:45

I think there is far too much pressure placed on woment to breastfeed. While breastfeeding has many benefits, so many women are just unable to breastfeed and they are put under a lot of pressure to just keep persisting, that can hardly be healthy for a woman who has just given birth and her new baby. I remember having a conversation with a woman at work before I had my DS and saying that I would breastfeed if I was able to, to which she replied that no woman can't breastfeed, and that being unable to breastfeed was just an excuce to give up.

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NotQuiteCockney · 13/01/2006 12:47

Well, it is true that only a very very small percentage of women are physically unable to breastfeed. In some nordic countries, the percentage of women breastfeeding is in the high 90s. I don't think they're physically different from British women.

The difference is bad support, inaccurate expectations, lack of support, etc etc.

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NotQuiteCockney · 13/01/2006 12:48

That being said, the woman you spoke to sounds horrible. I don't think women who have problems breastfeeding, and don't manage it, are all just making an excuse for giving up!

And I do think breastfeeding should be a genuine choice. If a woman does not want to breastfeed, then she shouldn't.

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wannaBe1974 · 13/01/2006 12:53

agree totally. I personally got home from hospital and decided that I had to put the needs of my child who was screaming with hunger before the need to persiveer for a few more days and wear myself and my DS out in the process. And thus I dispatched my DH to mothercare for bottles. Ironically I bought a tin of formula before DS was born but no bottles - maybe that part of my brain shrank during pregnancy? lol. I guess that deep down I didn't think I'd be giving up so soon.

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wannaBe1974 · 13/01/2006 12:54

and yeh the woman in question was.. well I wouldn't necessarily say not very nice, but she was a bit of a fruit loop. Both her babies were prem and she used to hold it against them. They were 14 and 16, and if they misbehaved she would tell them that they felt nothing for her and what she'd done for them, how they were born weighing only 3 lb each and how she'd cried over their cots ... etc etc.

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Littlefish · 13/01/2006 12:56

I made a complete mess of breastfeeding my dd and stopped at 4 weeks. I feel incredibly guilty about it even now and she's 14 months old! I still get very emotional if I try and talk about it. Because of this, I am absolutely determined that if we are lucky enough to have another baby, I will make sure that I access all the support possible. I will shout, jump up and down, beg, and scream until I get it right.

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NotQuiteCockney · 13/01/2006 13:08

Ugh, poor woman, wannaBe, and even more poor kids!

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