new baby do we /dont we family dilema!!

[luckylady]

DH and I are in talks (again) anout having a third child. We have decided that we want a third now. The problem is DD she keeps saying that she doesnt want another brother or sister. Do you think she is just saying this, as I am really frightened of pushing her away. She is 9. (DS is 19months) I have told her that she will still be ny little girl no matter what.

We are also moving back to the Uk in 7 months so things will be changoing for the two of them. I have already started to put her name down for all the clubs etc she wants to continue doing in the UK so that she doesnt miss out on anything.

When I was PG with DS she wasnt happy about it until she found out I was having a boy so I know that she is worried about me having a girl even though she wont admit it. How would you handle it as I dont think its fair on DH and I not to have a third if that is what we want because of DD , but I also dont think it fair on her if she is really against the idea how can I reassure her...

TIA

[saadia]

Sell her the advantages of having a sister (if that is what she is worried about). Even though there is an age gap, emphasise how great it will be to have someone to share things/gossip/problems/fun with when she is older, and tell her it will be like having a new best friend but one who will love her forever.

Tell her you will be needing her help when the baby comes along, because she is so kind/helpful etc, just make her feel involved.

Good Luck, I know you shouldn't reconsider having another (which will be lovely) but you love dd too so obviously want her to be happy about it. Could you perhaps take her for a girly day out, shopping or have nails done, something fun that she would like, and say that you will still do these things after the baby comes along.

[dexter]

I think she's bound to be anxious about it, what with knowing this major move to the UK is coming up as well. It's so much for her to deal with! I had a very good friend who was about six or seven when her little sister came along and there were lots of bits of having a much younger sibling that she HATED. she hated having her mum's attention on a baby when she wanted them to be out, doing things that are interesting to an older child not a toddler! When her sister was a toddler onwards, she was also used as a babysitter sometimes, which was sooooo boring for her. And she found it a real pain when the baby/toddler wanted to play with her all the time - as a kid I guess you mainly want your own activities and friends.

I think you are setting yourself up for some hard work - having a girl come into her teens just as your third is hitting terrible two's/three's!!!!!! You'll have alot of needs to meet that will be so difficult to reconcile.

I'm sure though that my friend having the experience taught her alot about bending her wants a bit and I know there were good times with her little sister. I just remember so many times we wanted to play, or walk to the park or whatever and were peeeeed off with this little hanger-on! I'm sure you wouldn't put your daughter in this position anyway.

Maybe your daughter didn't need to be involved in this discussion? She really has no say in the outcome so perhaps it's unfair to include her in talking about it - it's for you and your husband. However that horse has bolted, but maybe you could just say to her that you have listened to what she's said, and that you and dad will talk about it now. It's not up for discussion anymore. At least that way she doesn't have the anxiety of feeling it's still all up in the air? Just a thought, hope it all goes well for you all, and the move!

[luckylady]

Thank you. ewe have disussed more today and have taken all the facts into cnsideration the move, car, family life etc. And have decided to wait a few more years and see what happens. This is getting hard as I really want another child but it would mean upgrading the car also as I had a look and DD would be very squished in them iddle with two car seats so will wait until DS is in a booster seat then this gives her more room.

I know I probably shouldnt involve dd in big discussions but it is something i have always done, (even when I married my DH when he asked me I made sure DD was happy about it and living with him etc)

As far as her being a a babysitter to the babys I just let her help out as and when she wants to. She is fantastic with DS as she loves to read bedtime stories to him, or she plays her flute for him.(not sure if that helps him go to sleep though!!..) I have warned her that soon DS will be wanting her to take him out with her to the park etc but have said i wont allow him to as I think she is too young to have the responsibility of a toddler in the park and crossing roads (just housing estate not main). Apart from that I want her to look back at her childhood and say she really enjoyed it , not looking back thinking my brother stopped me from enjoying myself. my brothers are 8 and 11 yrs younger than me, it looks like I will be following suit.!!!

[luckylady]

sorry ment to add thanks for your advice

[dexter]

no worries luckylady. Good luck with it all and well done for giving it so much thought, what a lovely mum! Your daughter sounds really sweet by the way!

my son is rising four and I am starting to realise what you mean about including him in discussions - I want to, because I want him to be happy with what happens in his life (we've just moved) and I am seeing what an incredibly fine line there is between making them feel involved and listened to, without giving them stress and anxiety. It's so hard isn't it!