Feeling a bit crappy about ds not getting a party invitation... has this happened to others?

[Mandy03]

Hi all. My ds is 5 1/2 and went to several other classmates' parties during the school year, but I bumped into another mum at the shops yesterday and she told me that her ds had been invited to another boy's party back in December (during the Christmas school holidays), and asked whether my ds had gone to the party. I was really quite taken aback as ds didn't even get an invite, when this boy and my ds were in fact quite good friends and played together a lot. I got the impression that not every boy in the class was invited, for all I know it could've even been a very small party, but all the same it made me feel quite annoyed & a bit left out - mainly on ds' behalf. Ds invited this boy to his party back in July, but he was unable to come as he was going on holiday with his family. I would've thought she would return the invitation - or perhaps I am being a bit silly about it.

I know this is probably pretty common but has this happened to your child & how does it make you feel? What irritated me more is that at the beginning of the school holidays, the mother of this boy suggested that we get the boys together for a play one day, and then nothing happened. She knows that my ds really likes her ds, but on the other hand maybe she couldn't invite everyone. It just makes me feel a bit hurt, which is probably crazy because it's just a kid's party! I didn't think the 'school days' would be quite so tedious.

[SoupDragon]

You can't always invite everyon to your child's party and some have to get left out

Alternatively, you may find the invitation in, for example, yur DSs PE bag like I did for DS1 at the end of term...! (in that case the mother had chased me as a lot if the invites had gone astray)

[Mandy03]

No it wasn't put in his bag or books or anything. Ds finished school a week earlier than his classmates as we were going away on holiday, but we were only gone for a week and a half and this boy had his party about three or four weeks later. She (the boy's mum) also had my address and phone number so she could've contacted me.

I'm just really surprised considering the two boys were quite good friends. If it was another boy in the class I probably wouldn't have been so surprised about it.

[Tommy]

I really wouldn't worry - I am sure there are plenty of other, more pressing things to be anxious about. I agree with Soupdragon - you can't invite everyone to a party. A they get older they will become more discerning about who they want to come - at this age I think they chop and change friends fairly quickly. It is only a children's party and your DS didn't even knowe it was happening so he hasn't missed out.

[hercules]

Ds is now in year 5 and has been invited to loads of parties over the years but as time goes on and you dont bother wondering why or if he gets invited to others parties even if you invited someone.

Sometimes he goes to a party a month before his own and we dont invite that child. It depends on what we've decided to do that year, how many we can face inviting and who he wants.

It wont be the last time this happens to you.

[hercules]

he also gets invited to sleep overs and I havent even returned the favour for everyone.

[tigermoth]

It happens a lot, I agree. IME very few parents hold parties for the whole class each and every year. Even if you suspect it was a big party, the mother might have invited lots of children from outside your school, with limited numbers of school friends.

Alternatively, the mother might have got confused about your holiday dates and assumed you were away for the whole of the christmas holidays.

As for reciprocating invites, perhaps the mother felt obliged to invite all those children whose parties her son had actually been to ( and after doing that, had no more space left). I know you invited her ds to your sons party, but as he didn't come along, perhaps the mother felt let off the hook.

[fireflyfairy2]

I had a party for my DD in December too. She asked 8 of her friends, just 4 let me know in advance, and they came. The other 4 I got no reply from, never turned up. I also felt bad just inviting 8 children, when I go my girl plays with everyone. Saying that, she has never been invited to a party.. I don't know if the other kids don't have them, or else if, like me, they have a set number and everyone can't be invited. I am almost releived she hasn't been invited to any.. I doubt if she would stay on her own and i'm not forward enough to ask to stay at a kids party!!!

[fireflyfairy2]

That should say I know my girl plays with everyone

[Mandy03]

Ok... now I'm well and truly feeling like an idiot for worrying about this after reading the responses. I feel a bit silly being told to grow up at my age

As I said in my OP, I know it's just a kid's party and that I shouldn't even be worrying about it. And of course I know that ds can't be invited everywhere! I was just seeking people's feelings on the matter, whether logical or not. Perhaps it was just the impression that this boy's mother had given me - as though she knew they were good friends. Then for ds not to be invited while some of the other kids were, you just start to wonder why. But obviously this is not a big deal.

Hercules don't you feel even a bit obliged to return an invitation..? (To either a party or a sleepover). I know I would feel bad if I didn't invite a child in return, if they had invited my ds somewhere. Perhaps it comes down to whether that other child is really considered to be a friend or not. My ds was invited over for a playdate to a classmate's house during December and I intend to invite him back sometime in the near future - just because I think I should.

[hercules]

But where would it end? Ds has been to loads of sleep overs and regularly get invited to play at friends houses. I've always worked and for the last 2 years had a younger child. I just dont have the inclination or the time. Every so often we invite his best friend and one other for a sleep over or to play but I dont feel obliged, no.


nothing to do with whether they are considered a friend or not.

[hercules]

But where would it end? Ds has been to loads of sleep overs and regularly get invited to play at friends houses. I've always worked and for the last 2 years had a younger child. I just dont have the inclination or the time. Every so often we invite his best friend and one other for a sleep over or to play but I dont feel obliged, no.

[hercules]

But where would it end? Ds has been to loads of sleep overs and regularly get invited to play at friends houses. I've always worked and for the last 2 years had a younger child. I just dont have the inclination or the time. Every so often we invite his best friend and one other for a sleep over or to play but I dont feel obliged, no.

[hercules]

But where would it end? Ds has been to loads of sleep overs and regularly get invited to play at friends houses. I've always worked and for the last 2 years had a younger child. I just dont have the inclination or the time. Every so often we invite his best friend and one other for a sleep over or to play but I dont feel obliged, no.

[Mandy03]

I know what you're saying about being busy & therefore not having the inclination to do it - I do understand about the time factor. I would probably feel obliged myself because another child's parents might be expecting an invitation back once they've invited your child somewhere. Who knows, maybe some do and some don't.

Ds is going to another couple of playdates over the next few weeks and I just assume that I'll have to return them at some stage or another. Once life becomes too hectic though, I know it can't always be done. I think it just comes down to what your own expectations are.

[hercules]

Well, I'm noto it the sort of person to do something simply because they expect me to. I dont think they do anyway.

[tigermoth]

have to admit that if I invite a friend of my sons' over for a playdate, I do expect some sort of invite back (party, playdate, park outing) at some point in the future. OK not the next week, but sometime in the next 6 months.

If after the first playdate, no invite was forthcoming, I'd think twice about inviting the child again. I'd begin to assume the parents didn't like us enough to want to encourage the friendsip. But after a few playdates at ours and the friends' I don't keep count.

hercules, you obviously have the measure of the situation better than I have. If your son's friend's parents don't expect you to reciprocate with playdates or sleepovers, fair enough. I work full time too, so the whole after school playdates thing passes me by. (I make up for this by having friends round at weekends and in the holidays).

[maZebraltov]

Mandy03 -- I know exactly how you feel & it happened all last year to my very socialble DS ( in reception). Now, To my astonishment he's been invited to 4 parties since last August, so doesn't seem so left out any more. One was a joint party for all of Yr-1 & one of the birthday-child parents said they did it precisely because they felt their child was left out of birthday invites a lot last year.

The annoying thing is that the kids talk to each other in school, trying to wind each other up by saying things like "I'm not inviting you to my party!", it's fine if your child gets invited to SOME parties, you can help them dismiss such teasing, but none at all when the kids talk to each other like that is really disheartening.

[jac34]

My DS@s are very popular and get invited to lots of parties. In year 1 at school we gave them a party and invited everyone in their class, as most of them were returned invites anyway.
It cost a fortune and was very stressful,but as it was their first big party, and they are twins we didn't mind.
However, this year we just couldn't afford it so gave them a smaller one,we allowed them to pick 5 children each from their class, there was also stepDD and her friend,plus our boys, so 14 was plenty.

Also as they get older the things they want to do for parties gets more expensive, so numbers have to be cut down,so you are unable to return every invitation, it's just too expensive.

[paolosgirl]

My DS(8) wasn't invited to one of his (as we thought) good friend's parties last year. He was so, so upset, and we still haven't worked out why he wasn't invited. There were 6 others who were, some of whom were completely unexpected, and although I know they can't be invited to every party blah blah, it is still bloody hurtful when they are so upset and puzzled. What made it worse was that DS insisted on inviting this friend to his birthday! Try to smile through gritted teeth

[robinpud]

As someone said this will happen and is best just accepted. Some parents will insist on reciprocating invitations, others just let the child choose who to invite and they can do so on a whim. Cost, and type of party play a big part. Trust me in the future you will be relieved not to be invited to every party going. Don't confuse an invitation with friendship- I think children don't see it the way we do as adults. it's not a measure of popularity in the playground and I am sure your child is mixing well.

[getbakainyourjimjams]

I'm dreading this reciprocation thing. I just don't see how we can have anyone to sleep over in this house with ds1 around (far too much naked running around for starters), but I can see that not doing that is completely unfair on ds2 and ds3. I suspect we could just about manage tea, but sleepovers- god what on earth are we going to do?

[maZebraltov]

don't worry baka/jj...ds has never been offered a sleepover yet (he's now 6), so it might be a while off. You could always make it up in other ways (days out with your DS2 & 3's friends, for instance).

[robinpud]

Just don't do sleepovers- we don't and have 2 popular and well adjusted kids. I like my kids in their own beds fast asleep and they like to be there.

[Passionflower]

Doesn't bother me in the least, one less present to have to buy. I'd be worried if DD didn't get invited to any parties though, and I'd be annoyed if it wasn't done tactfully and DD got upset. Last year one of the mums from DD's class only invited 7 and then her DD told the whole class they could come to the party. Cue half a class of confused and upset five year olds.