Moral support/advice needed re miscarriage

[Melly]

Hello everyone. I would be really grateful to hear from anyone who could give me any support or advice. Unfortunately I started bleeding last week at about 10 weeks of pregnancy, had a scan which confirmed that the baby had stopped growing at about 7 weeks, I then had an ERPC. Initially I did very well and my husband and I have tried to be philosophical about things and be thankful for our beautiful baby girl who is nearly 10 months old. I have been quite cheerful over the last few days and kept busy, but today I feel so sad and tearful. We definitely want another baby but I'm now frightened to try in case it happens again. We will both be 38 in a few months and I feel like time is against us.
Has anyone else had a similar experience and how did you cope? (We have one daughter who was born last July when I was nearly 37).

[jodee]

Dear Melly, I am so sad at hearing your news. I miscarried in March at 7 weeks. It would have been my second child too and I'd had no problems first time around, so quite happily told everyone and even announced it on Mumsnet. I was really, really touched by everyone's messages of support when I posted the bad news. Also, I was surprised to find out just how common it is, so many others had gone through the same experience, but I was encouraged too that they also went on to have normal pregnancies and healthy babies afterwards.

I think I found it easier to cope with because I already had a wonderful son (aged 2) and therefore I CAN get pregnant, carry it through to term and deliver a healthy child. We decided to leave it a couple of months to let my body recover (I didn't have an ERPC, I was sent home after the scan to wait for the bleed to finish there, BTW) before trying again (so are thinking about giving it another go this month, possibly).

Do give yourself time to get 'over it' and grieve in your own way, Melly, it is perfectly 'OK' to feel sad and I hope you can get some hope and encouragement from others on here who have gone through the same and come out the other side. Big hug. xx

[Enid]

Melly, I feel for you, I miscarried at 8 weeks in September last year. I was numb for a few weeks after, then felt very weepy and depressed for a while. A major piece of advice - REST AND BE KIND TO YOURSELF!! I didn't rest enough as I was too concerned with 'taking my mind off it' and keeping busy, consequently I was quite physically ill for a while with complete exhaustion.

I didn't want to get pregnant straight away. We waited about 4 months and I fell pregnant again in January this year. I am currently 18 weeks pregnant and everything seems to be normal so far. It will help too if you accept the fact that you will be very worried and stressed for the first few months of your next pregnancy. TRY AND TAKE IT AS EASY AS POSSIBLE! Eat plenty, relax as much as you can and get lots of sleep.

Remember, you have exactly the same chance of miscarrying your next pregnancy as someone who has never had a miscarriage. Just because you've had one (or two) doesn't put you in any higher risk category.

The only good things to come out of my m/c were a new sense of respect and love for my dd, and a real feeling of love for this new baby. It also taught me to take life as it comes and try to accept that there are circumstances in life that you can't change, but what you can change are your own attitudes to them.

with love and virtual hugs
xxxxxx

[berries]

Melly, so sorry to hear your news. I lost a baby at 12 weeks with my first pregnancy, and it will take you a while to get over it. Don't forget that you will still have pregnancy hormones inside so you will be feeling weepy etc. ALso, even though the baby was only 10 weeks, you will probably already have had a mental image of him/her, with plans for what will happen, so you will need time to adjust to the loss of those as well. I can happily say that I went on the have 2 beautiful daughters, but I always remember that first one.

[Melly]

Thanks for your lovely message Jodee. Yes, I remember you posting about your sad news a month or so ago. You sound positive and optimistic now and I shall certainly try to do the same. Like you, I told lots of people about the pregnancy, but in a way I suppose this means that you actually get more support because people are aware of what you have been through.
I do hope things work out for you when you try for another baby, lets hope we both have some good news to report later on this year.

Thanks again for your support.
Melly
x

[Melly]

Thanks too Enid & Berries for your messages, it is so lovely to get this support and it really makes a difference. I am taking note of all the advice and will use it wisely.
Thanks again

[ScummyMummy]

Thinking of you, Melly.

[susanmt]

Melly - so sad to hear of your loss, it is never an easy thing to lose a baby and it is very sad whenever it happens.
I have lost 3 babies - I lost two before I conceived my daughter (now 2+3months) and then another in between her and my son (now 3 months). And the only way I have found to cope with it is to think that this is the way it was meant to be, because if they had been born then the children I now have would not have been born. This does not make the sadness about the children who I have lost any less, but it lets me appreciate the ones which I do have.
I didn't ever need a ERPC, but gave it a couple of months before trying again.
It's OK to feel sad, so don't force yourself to feel better before you are ready. Be nice to yourself!
And remember that this having happened to you doesn't increase the risk of it happening again, especially as you have a healthy baby already.
Thinking of you, and let us know how you get on.

[Lollypop]

So sorry to hear your news, take care.

[pupuce]

Melly - so sorry to hear the news... I just put 2 and 2 together, it wasn't long ago that you were asking advice as to know whether you were pregnant... and Leese was calculating your dates.... I am so sorry to hear about this.
As others have said, it may not happen again..... Unfortunately miscarriages are far more common than people realise (1 in 4 pregnancies) - it doesn't make it easier though.
Do take care.... lots of virtual hugs

[threeangels]

Melly Im so sorry of your loss. I myself have never had a miscarriage. Many people go through this kind of tragedy and go on in the future to have another child that is healthy. My sister inlaw lossed a baby at 6 weeks and gave birth to a healthy one 2 years later and she has so so many medical problems with her body. I dont know if you are religious in any way but I always believe the outcome of any situation is in Gods hands. I know it is scary to think of having to lose a baby again but how will you ever have that precious baby unless you try again. It is normal to feel sad but in time you will heal and you may be ready to try again. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[mears]

Melly,
So sorry to read about your miscarriage. I miscarried after having 3 children and, like you, in the first few days coped well(it was 3 days before Christmas).
I then became very tearful and felt that not many people sympathised because I already had 3 children so this pregnancy must have been a mistake anyway!
After a couple of weeks I felt less down and as soon as I had a period started trying again, despite being advised by the hospital to wait 6 months to give myself time to grieve and recover.
For me the decision was to get pregnant straight away because I desperately wanted another baby.
I got pregnant again 3 months later.
As susanmt said, if I had not had the miscarriage then I would not have had the 4th child that is here now.
Good luck for the future - you will feel better soon.

[bloss]

Message withdrawn

[Melly]

Thank you to everyone for your kind messages, I am really touched and they are a huge comfort. We will probably try again fairly soon, although I know it is thought best to wait at least a couple of cycles.
Am returning to work tomorrow (not sure if that is a wise decision), hopefully it might take my mind off things a bit.
Thanks again for all your support.

[eli]

Dear Melly, I lost a baby at 13 weeks when I was about your age and having taken 2 years to conceive again after my daugher. I was devastated and found myself very tearful in the most unlikely places. I couldn't bring myself to look at other babies and could not talk to the mothers at school who were pregnant. Although I recoevered physically very quickly it took me a very long time to recover mentally but I did. When the baby would have been due was a milestone and then I became pregnant again when I was 39 and have a lovely boy as a result. I won't ever forget the baby I lost but I can now (6 years on - i know that must seem like ever to you) look back with regret and sadness but not the raw pain you feel at the time. So my heart goes out to you and I wish you all the luck in the world when you feel ready to try again.

[Tillysmummy]

Melly so sorry to hear your news.
I bled quite a lot in the first trimester with my dd and you may be interested to know that the consultant told me that 1 in 3 pregnancies miscarry but actually it's often before you realise you are pregnant and is actually like a heavy period. I also have two friends who miscarried after their first child. I think it is very common. If it's one in 3, if I was to have 4 pregnancies, it's likely that at least one would miscarry.

It's very common but I know that doesn't make it easy at all. My sympathies are entirely with you.
As the others have said, it's perfectly natural to feel sad and you need to give yourself time to recover and then when you feel ready, try again. Don't be frightened of trying again. I am sure it will be fine.

Hope you are feeling better xx

[JoAnne427]

Melly - so sorry to hear your news - not much to add to what has been said here, but wishing you the best - and please be really good to yourself!

[bundle]

Melly, I was so sorry to hear your news. I recently met through work a very eminent researcher into miscarriage, who said that although most women will not conceive again until they've had a normal period, some do. Waiting for a normal period obviously helps to reassure yourself that everything is working ok, and also gives the doctor an idea of dates if you do get pregnant. There's no evidence that the old advice of waiting 3 months improves your chances -but it does perhaps allow a gap long enough for you to be emotionally ready for another pregnancy. The period of grieving for the baby you've lost obviously is personal to each woman, so be extra kind to yourself and go for it when you feel ready. Good luck with work..do you know people there well enough to share what's happened to you? Where I work I think I could do that, they've been supportive over lots of other things in the past.

[maras]

Dear Melly, so very sorry to hear your news. I had an early miscarriage in November (at 7 weeks) - but all very low key, so I just think that chemically things hadn't worked properly so I didn't have to go through what you have. (details on other threads). In spite of this it was still more upsetting than I had thought it would be. For a long time although I thought I had got my head around it, I found that I would get quite tearful when telling friends.
I had sailed through my other 2 pregnancies - at 37 and 39 - with no problems at all - so had imagined I was somehow immune to the statistics. It certainly made me cherish and value the miracle of my 2 wonderful children even more than before. To give you hope I am now pregnant again -3 months on - still very early (10 weeks now) in spite of being completely over the hill and obviously totally insane!! How on earth will I have the energy to cope??
I don't feel I can let myself get too excited yet - as I now know that anything can happen and I'm really dreading my first scan next Tuesday. Anyway I hope this will give you hope - but you certainly need to give yourself time and space just to ponder and induldge yourself a bit.
As with Jodee - the help and support I got from people here helped immensely - I almost felt undeserving and so many others have mailed much sadder stories than mine. I realise I am so lucky to have 2 healthy happy children already - so anything else will be a huge bonus.
Do hope you've found support here as well - I am constantly astounded at people's generosity of spirit and time - think it's an incredible site!
I think it's a very personal decision as to when you start trying again - we didn't want to waste any time as I feel I'm really at the outer edges of older mother v. too old altogether - but it obviously depends on how you feel.
Good luck for the future.

[Demented]

Sorry to hear your news, been thinking of you Melly.

[batey]

So sorry to hear your news too. I lost my first pregnancy at 7 weeks, which hit me much harder than i anticipated, At the time I didn't know you're "supposed "to wait. So I had 1 period and we tried again, so miscarried early Jan and was pregnant (and terrified) by end March. Now have 2 happy healthy dds. All the best with whatever you decide.

[Cl]

Hi there Melly
Just to add my twopenneth. I've had two miscarriages, my first ever pregnancy and in between my dd and ds. Just for the record, I was pregnant within a month of the second one - I had extended bleeding which must've merged with a period without anyone noticing - and despite not trying (see immaculate conception thread). It is completely awful losing a wanted baby and nothing and noone prepares you for it. But as people have said it does get less raw, and it's certainly true that it's harder to stay sad when the next one comes along and you realise you would never have known them without your earlier loss. Do take care of yourself and be as sad and tearful as you like - you have every right - but don't be too scared to try again; it is scary but it is also soooo worth it. God bless and big hugs.

[Melly]

I am very touched by everyone's lovely messages.
I totally agree about events like this making you more appreciative of what you have, I certainly cherish my dd even more than I did (if that's possible!) and the miscarriage in a way seems to have brought me and dh even closer together. When my mum died 10 years ago it made me view life completely differently. I suppose losing this baby was a gentle reminder that nothing in life should be taken for granted.
Thanks again for all the kind words and advice.

[ames]

i too miscaried in the same way - they called it a missed miscarriage and then had d&c so you have all my sympathy. I bought a candle for my baby and when i started to think about the baby and feel sad i lit the candle and would sit quietly thinking. Then i would blow it out an try to get on with life. I found it helped me it gave me time to greive without consuming my whole life as time went on i found i had to light it less and less. i've still got it (and a three month old dd now) i guess time is a healer although at the time it is the most unbearable pain.i remember wondering how i was going to get through the next hour let alone the next day.with my second pregnancy i didnt tell anyone until i had my first scan - i was sick with worry - but it was easier when i could feel the baby move - and she kicked a lot - i think she was just trying to reasure me. i think some hospitals will do an ealier scan although mine wouldnt i think it would have helped) it definately helps to talk though and to know you are not alone - it goes without saying, post again if you need to. Look after yourself, best wishes

[susanmt]

Melly - just something I thought I should add. I felt like I wanter to do something for my three lost children. In my Dad's garden he has an apple orchard, where he is planting a tree for every grandchild. We spoke to him, and have planted three clumps of snowdrops amongst the trees - I lost all my babies in the early spring, although both my children were also born in February.
It makes me cry a little just to tell you this - only my immediate family (parents, husband) know as I am sure people would think I was stupid. But this spring when the snowdrops flowered just after my son was born, it made me happy too to think they will never be forgotten and we have put some beauty into the world for them.
Hope you are coping OK - keep us up to date with how you are doing.
Lots of love, Susan xxx