How we communicate

[JanZ]

Did you know that 7% of communication is through Words, 38% through Tonality and 55% through Physiology (Body Language).

I knew these statistics already, but I was reminded of them earlier this week when I was on a course and thought they were relevant to Mumsnet and Internet discussions.

They just serve to emphasise how important it is to try to get some "Tonality" into what we're saying - which is why some of us using the and the faces, and why sometimes discussions get quite heated when it was no-one's deliberate intention to insult or upset. Without the tone of voice and the body language to reinforce what we're saying, what we write can easily be mis-interpreted - so we need to be extra careful about picking our words.

I thought this would be an interesting topic for discussion - and hope it doesn't get too heated!

[MandyD]

I agree - I guess the same applies to text messaging too? This is slightly off topic, but last year I read a semi-scientific article saying that quite a large number of adult men (not a female problem apparently!) suffer from undiagnosed autistic-spectrum disorders, including men that are head of large companies etc ie. very successful in their field of experience.

My partner, for instance, is frequently unable to get any meaning from tonality or physiology and will obsess about the exact wording of a comment or statement. This can make life difficult for someone like me who tends towards the other end of the scale in feeling that it's not what you say its how you say it that's important.

[Bugsy]

Janz, I think your stats are probably why they say people have got through in an interview within 2 minutes of walking through the door. So, I guess first impressions really do count!

[robinw]

message withdrawn

[Pupuce]

I agree that not all comments on mumsnet are "pure"... some are often missnderstood or missinterpreted but a few are done right mean, nasty or abusive !
And it does put me off..... A few weeks ago I stayed away from Mumsnet for 3 whole days (a record when I have an internet connection at hand!)... I just needed to cool off.

[jasper]

Well put RobinW. Some wordings( I am thinking specifically of recent posts here) are just unmistakeably insulting or rude.There is no way you could imagine a tonality of speech which would make them less so.

One of my sister's favourite tricks for winding me up when we were warring teenagers was to say horrible things, get me upset, and then say "for goodness sake I was only joking".
My dh does a version of the discrepancy between what he says, and his tonality/ body language. He goes into a bad huffy mood but absolutely refuses to be drawn on what is bothering him, even to the extent of practically shouting "There's nothing wrong with me" . Drives me crazy.

Incidentaly good job none of you can see my body and its language just now. It's not a pretty sight.

[mollipops]

I agree on all fronts...okay so I am being diplomatic...

Sometimes if I am writing something important or very personal, I read it out loud and it helps to get the words right. Sometimes the written word can sound very different when spoken, and the meaning can change. But then most of us read with that little voice in our head don't we???

Speaking of that little voice, how many here "rehearse" things in their head before they actually say them? I do it all the time, sometimes it keeps me awake! Like I imagine a whole conversation, which is ridiculous of course as you can't possibly anticipate what the other person's responses will be, but I just can't seem to help it! Am I crazy or do others do this too?!

[jodee]

No mollipops, you are not loopy! I do it all the time, and it's usually the worst possible scenario, so I'm sometimes lying awake worrying about it, and of course it never turns out that way!

Sometimes on messageboards I think it can be forgotten that there is a real person at the other end of the computer, and we need to take a few seconds to think if we would say what we have written to that person if we were to see them face to face, 8 times out of ten maybe not - that rhyme 'about sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me' is rubbish, I've been hurt more times by words than physical abuse than I can count.

[JanZ]

I agree that some of the postings that have appeared recently have no ambiguity about them - body language or no body language! (and that's the diplomatic way of putting it!)

However, I suppose what I'm getting at is that in most cases the temperature starts getting raised in the first place because of a misinterpretation or misunderstanding of what someone has said. If you were in there in person, you'd be able to attenuate what was said if you saw that it was upsetting someone. Alternatively, you could all diasgree violently (assertively?!) - but unlike in these discussion boards the hurtful or angry things that are expressed wouldn't be set in black and white, but would have blown over and you'd be on to the next topic. (sorry for mixing the metaphors!).

[phb]

This is going off at a slight tangent as it's not about body language, but it is about communication - I read somewhere that a good way of making men do something is to make it sound like a military task. e.g. suggesting dh takes ds to the park on his bike (for a couple of hours peace with the sunday paper!), you could ask him to "lead a contingent of troops" to the park... Made me laugh out loud when I read it but i've tried it a couple of times and IT'S WORKED!!! to be used sparingly though I think - might be a bit odd talking like that all the time!

[mollipops]

Lol, is that why dh is always talking about the MESS! hahaha (sorry)

[berries]

I find that I always have to state every with no possible ambiguity to dh. If I say 'I would like to...' it means nothing, I have to say 'I/we are going to..' before he seems to realise that this is going to happen. If I don't say things in those terms, he will turn round 5 minutes later to say we are doing something totally different! He also has a habit of asking the same question many times, until he has the answer he wants (typically 'what would you like to do today' - most infuriating! (although we do laugh about it now it's been pointed out to him)

[jessi]

This military thing really rings a bell with me. My hubby has this habit of what I call 'court martialling'. If I've suddenly decorated a room while he's been at work, or ordered a new rug, whatever, he comes home and stands with his hands behind his back and interrogates me! Questions such as 'Where did this idea to paint the sitting-room come from' 'where did you buy the paint','did you do the correct preparation' (ie:masking tape/sanding down areas to be glossed)
Its hiliarious as he's really laid back normally, but if I do something withour prior consultation he turns into some weird army bloke.

[tigermoth]

Phb, giving orders the military edge - what an interesting theory. I'll try it and report back.

The messasges here are really funny!

[Rhiannon]

Janz, thanks for that. Or perhaps we should just steer clear of politics and religion! R

[JanZ]

One thing I was thinking of to add to this thread is that if we were a group talking together in person and somebody got upset, they'd be able to take the person who'd upset them aside and let them know, as opposed to carrying out a public "argument" in the clumsy "to and fro" way of the discussion boards. I can't think of a solution to that one - bar "biting your lip and ignoring it".

Having said that, I come from a family which is very interested in politics and has strong opinions on lots of things (and of course we are each of us ALWAYS right!), and Sunday night dinner at my Mum & Dad's place can become extremely heated! Dh sometimes finds it a bit wearing - but then, he KNOWS he's right!

[Melly]

Just read Jessi's message about her dh and the court martial thing which has made me really chuckle. My dh is RN officer and boy does he get carried away at home sometimes. A few things that might amuse everyone that he does:
he refuses to open any of our post, I open everything, he then casts his eye over it and proceeds to issue instructions i.e this needs to be actioned, or even worse he writes on "for filing".....I know I'm a secretary but bloody cheek! He probably thinks I get bored, what with a 7 month old dd to look after, four golden retrievers, a part-time job and hubby away at sea or up in Scotland! Another classic was when we changed our cars back in December, he was most perturbed because I wouldn't sit and study the owners manual in great depth one evening....then proceeded to tut tut and said, well don't blame me if you can't work out how to use the windscreen wipers!!! Not sure about you other mums out there but once dd has gone to bed at 7pm I rather like to chill out with nice glass of wine and watch a bit of TV (or even better post messages on Mumsnet!). Don't get me wrong, dh is an absolute gem and these days when he comes out with one of his "instructions" he ends up laughing at himself, poor thing just can't help himself.

[Rhiannon]

To quote Thumper from Bambi

"If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all"............ R

[Melly]

eh? Have I said something wrong?

[Copper]

No, Melly, I don't think it was directed at you, I think it's just a general reminder to us all to be a bit kinder to each other. Some people on some threads have been getting very cross with each other. Reminds me of my boys who are at each others' throats most of the time now. Let's hope it's all just a stage ...
I loved your stories, really made me smile.

[Melly]

Thanks Copper, I re-read my posting several times and couldn't see anything offensive but was worried that I might have done. As you say there are a few heated debates going on some threads. Glad I made you smile. By the way, being a complete thicko here, but I love the little yellow smiley faces that appear on some messages....how do you do them? (afraid I'm not much of a whizz on computers!)

[Rhiannon]

No Melly sorry it was just a general thing as everyone seemed to be getting so upset. Apologies if it caused confusion. R

[jasper]

Melly, click on "getting started " at the top of this page and you will get instructions on how to do the wee faces.

[MalmoMum]

Melly, you're stories are great as they are. Can't see what the yellow faces would add to your verve.

[MalmoMum]

Sorry, that came out wrong. What I wanted to express was that I, very personally, prefer the faces that come up when you type : ) rather than the automatically generated ones . I find tham more personal which is a bit sad...