Has everyone made a will?

[Tinker]

This just struck me after reading a comment in another thread about living wills. Has everyone made provision in case the worst happens to you and your children are left alone?

I find this really difficult. I have 2 brothers, one of whom I no longer speak to. Even if we were talking to each other, I certainly wouldn't want my child to be raised by his wife. My other brother lives 200 miles away, dotes on my daughter but is pretty much living a bachelor life in London. My mum is in her late 60's and, physically, not in the best of health. My father is dead. My daughter rarely sees her father, he lives 200 miles away and the complications of his domestic life mean it would not really be appropriate for her to live with him.

At the moment, it would be my mother but, realistically, this may not be long term. Sorry to be morbid but has anyone else had this dilemma and how have you resolved it?

[jodee]

Tinker, I think that is a very good subject to raise, and not morbid but a necessity. DH and I were discussing this last week as it's something we haven't got around to doing but should make it a priority.

I think as the law currently stands in England and Wales (not sure about Scotland, the law may be different), in the event of one parent's death, parental rights pass automatically to the surviving natural parent and I think this applies even after divorce. If both parents were to die together and there was no will, then the State decides who become guardians, not something I would like to happen.

I know my mother appointed guardians to care for my brother and I in the event of her death, so my father (or any of his family) wouldn't have the responsibility. These guardians were close family friends. My maternal grandparents were both in their 70s and my mother didn't want the burden of looking after us to fall to them.

Does your child have godparents? If so, would they be willing to take on the responsibility?
God forbid anything should happen to you, but I think you are very wise to be considering the possibility, and maybe it would be a good idea to get some legal advice as to how the law currently stands.

[robinw]

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[Joe1]

Although we havnt put it in writing as yet, we have made it known that my sister, ds aunt and godmother, will look after ds if anything should happen to both of us.

[jenny2998]

This is also a subject which concerns me. Fortunately, my parents are still young (in their 50's)and they would be my first choice. Failing that...there's my sister, I guess she would be the obvious answer, but she is very irresonsible, and we have very different ideas about raising children (she doesn't have any yet). I am a single Mum, and not close to any extended family members. I feel I should write a will, but I don't know how to resolve this.

[Lindy]

Sorry to sound 'preachy' but it astounds me the number of people who don't make wills - even talking to a solicitor friend this week who hadn't made one. And it really should be put in writing - it isn't always enough just to make one's wishes known. It isn't expensive and you can often get a 'special offer' during Will Week (which I think is soon!!) or through a charity.

We are perhaps fortunate as, several years ago, we were asked to be guardians to our nephew & niece, my DH's sister's children (although we had no children at the time ourselves, but were very close & spent a lot of time with them) - I have asked the same sister & her DP to be guardians to our DS, we are no longer living close to them (120 miles apart unfortunately) but I like the way her children are brought up. We have also made financial provision for S-I-L in our will, as she may want to buy a bigger house, should DH & I die.

I know this subject can appear morbid but it really is important to tackle it.

[emsiewill]

I've been talking about this today with family. It's the main reason dh & I haven't yet made a will, as we're finding it really hard to decide who we would ask. Every relative we think of has some "drawback", and every conversation we have ends in no decision. But I know it's v. important; my mum died without leaving a will, and just sorting out her estate was complicated enough, and there were no children to deal with.

[Lizzer]

Yes, at the grand old age of 25 I made a will but my main motivations for it were that I didn't want dd's biological father (not seen since birth virtually) claiming any rights over her so named my parents as legal guardians. The other weird co-incidence was that dd was named on my friend's will, so it scared us that if me, dd, my friend and her sister were all in some freak accident her house and possesions would go to my (much hated by all) ex!!! I made one a week after we worked that out!

[Crunchie]

Yes My dh and I made wills as soon as we had our first child. I feel it is so important, if a little scarey, to write a will. ALthough we were worried initially it made us think about things reasonably and make some specific bequests as well as guardianship. Now it's done we both feel better for it and happy that in the case of our deaths things should be relitively easy. Fortuneately we are together and choosing a gaurdian was straight forward, we both agreed on my brother, and asked him if he would mind. As he knows he is guardian, but it doesn't mean he would have to have the girls, just that we feel he would make the best choices for them.

It also felt nice leavng certain heirlooms to particular people, so things form my dh's family would stay in their family, rather than go to mine, and vice-versa.

[SueDonim]

We made a will when we moved away from family. My brother was guardian but we've fairly recently rewritten it to make our adult son the guardian of our younger ones. We also made funeral arrangements(!). Sounds morbid but in the event of us both expiring it would be one less decision for those left behind to make.

[mollipops]

We too have been putting off making a will, even though we know how important it is...I guess you don't want to think about your own mortality. But it is so much easier for the loved ones left behind if you can cover all the bases and make sure you stipulate all your wishes in your will, from the guardian of your children, to specific bequests eg family heirlooms etc, even how you would like your funeral - burial, cremation, special songs, special place, if you would like your ashes scattered somewhere etc. So many people die without a will. It can even leave the partner without access to joint accounts except for funeral expenses! The other important thing to consider is whether you want to appoint an outside executor, or if you want a family member to do it. It can cause rifts and arguments within the family if a family member is seen as being "unfair", whereas someone outside the family or a trustee can be a lot more impartial. Sigh...it's not easy, is it?! You can get do-it-yourself ones but I think it is probably safer to pay a solicitor or trustee to do it for you. Some places will do it for a percentage of your estate, or if you bequest a donation to them in your will! Yes yes we MUST get those wills done, one of these days soon...

[Selja]

We've made a will - I work for a solicitor who recommends it to everybody. We found out that as we're not married I'm not entitled to anything of dh's. Strange though I'm not entitled to any help from the government for nursery fees etc as dh's income is too high and they do take him into account then but that's another story. We've made a will that takes into account any other children we may have and if all of us die. It was very difficult choosing guardians though - it needs a lot of careful thinking not least whether you approve of their parenting skills if they already have children.

[Lindy]

Bron - I will find out, might take a few days but I will let you know.

Reagarding the choice of guardians, I guess you have to accept that no one is likely to bring up your children exactly as you would (who knows - they might do it better ? !!) but you have to make the best compromise choice.

[monkey]

Any suggestions? We made a will a while back, appointing my parents as guardians. We obviously informed both sides of the family. I now regret the decision, and wish we'd appointed dh's family. Chnging the will is a formality, but how on earth do I do this without causing huge problems in my family. (The reason I want to chage, is that loads of my family are f*ed up - sorry about the language, and also loads of my family don't talk to each other. I don't want my children to be braught up in an atmosphere where they can't speak their minds and see adults ostrasising (sp) each other for years & years). Dh's family have a go at each other, then the problem is resolved. There are no divorces, people don't have grudges and everyone speaks to evefyone else. Altogether a healthier way to grow up.

But I can't tell that to my mum can I?? Any ideas for an escape route? Or do I just do it & hope we both don't die so they need never know? Or do I just put up with my decision?

[manna]

monkey - tricky one, especially considering that they might include you in the list of people not to talk to when you break the news. Here's a sneaky one: you'll both be dead if this happens, right? (sorry to sound so harsh) So - change the guardianship, don't tell your family and enclose a personal letter explaining very gently why with the will. That way they will understand why you did it, but you don't have to face the music. And let's face it, it'll probably never get to that point, anyway, so why waste potential grief with family for something that 99.9% wont happen?

[Lindy]

Monkey - good suggestion of Manna's but if you feel you have to say something, are you thinking of using DH's parents or someone younger (brother or sister perhaps) - if so, you could phrase it that they are nearer to your own age than parents, easier to cope blah blah but if it is his parents, just keep quiet!

[monkey]

I hadn't thought of the letter idea, just the sneaky bit! I'll mull it over, thanks manna.

Lindy - it is the parents I'm afraid, but then maybe I've just not considered the possibility of anyone else. Dh does have a younger sister. She's a bit younger than us with an exciting carefree single lifestyle, but she is a god mother & she loves kids, so maybe she is worth considering - thanks for showing me the other possibilities.

[Mima]

robinw - regarding the bit in your note re the child being "well off" and relatives might want her because of this. Having just filled out new Will forms this week we were advised to appoint a Trustee or two on our Wills so that in the event that my husband and I died together, the Legal Guardian, even though would have the children would have no access whatsoever to our money. The Legal Guardian would have to apply to the Trustees for money for school fees, etc. Essentially the money would still be for the children when they are off age.

[robinw]

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[Tinker]

Has anyone approached someone to be guardian and been turned down? My daughter does not have Godparents although I am a Godmother (I crossed my fingers ) to my friend's daughter. But actually asking someone (especially outside of the family) and putting it in writing is quite a heavy thing to do. As has been said, what if you change your mind later?

I've really no excuse since my union does wills for free as well!

[Lindy]

Bron - sorry but I haven't been able to find anything out about Will Week, the poster I thought referred to it in a local solicitor's window was from a charity (one of the big cancer ones) stating that they would make a will free of charge - I think lots of charities offer this service (presumably they like you to leave them something, but don't know how they could enforce it?) - so suggest you contact your favourite charity to ask for advice.

Sorry it took so long to get back to you on this.

[Chelle]

Dh and I bought a farm just before we were married and so (actually having something to bequest) made our wills shortly after we were married. We had no childern then (and ds wasn't born until 5.5 years later) but we did include arrangements for any future dependents in that will.

We arranged for dh's sister and her husband to be guardians to any children we may have as, at the time, they were the only people we knew (besides dh's very scatty brother and his (now ex) wife) with children. Dh's sister and husband have one son (now 11) and have done (we think) a wonderful job of raising him. A lot of their beliefs and general philosophies are a bit different to our own but they are in a very stable and loving relationship and have a stable and loving relationship with their own son. They love our ds to bits and always wanted more children (but couldn't have any more) and any children of ours that went to them would definitely be loved, well cared for and raised with morals so the differences in our general philosophies didn't seem to matter so much...who's to say we are right anyway?!?!?

In the will we arranged for our estate to go to our children (if we had any at the time of death) and appointed a trustee (my parents) to supervise the money until the children were adult. Arrangements were made for some money to go towards the care of the children until then but I really think (as we are expecting baby number 2) that we need to re-do the wills to make sure they are still relevant now we actually have children and realsie how much it costs to raise them.

Sorry if this has rambled on a bit!

[winnie]

I haven't read through this thread so apologise for repeating anything others may have said. Please, please, can I urge all of you out there who've not made a will to make one asap and at the same time to write down what you want to happen to your body once you've died i.e. cremation, burial, what kind of service; religious or humanist, etc, etc, I have just had to deal with the sudden death of my father and he had done none of the above. I feel privileged to be the one dealing with it all however making decisions on behalf of someone one loves is horrid, however much one thinks ones got it right we can never be quite sure we've done the right thing. Few people relish thinking about life after their death but it is necessary and it will help your loved ones. Since having my daughter when I was twenty I've had a will which I change as circumstances change (the same goes for a life insurance). I was shocked to learn that 2/3 of people do not make wills which must lead to some very difficult and unnecessary situations. Please, please don't put it off it could make a lot of difference to those you love.