This is probably going to be the longest message ever posted on Mumsnet, but I really feel the need to just let this all out. Maybe I think that you are all great listeners, so here goes.
I found out I was pregnant about a week after I excepted a job offer in London in July 2000. I was working as a town planner in Bedford (where I live) and was very unhappy in my job. Unlike my colleagues, I felt there was more to life than work and did not spend every waking moment at the office. Because of this certain people did not feel that I pulled my weight, yet I never got any complaints about the quality of my work! My boss was very surprised when I resigned ? the management had me down as a woman with no ambition who would eventually leave to have children. He tried to get me to stay by offering promotion and more money, only 3 months after my annual review had said I needed to concentrate my attention to weaker areas of my work! I had a tough decision to make ? start my new job knowing I was pregnant and deal with it later, or subject myself to more misery in my current job and decide on my options later. I went for the London job as I felt it offered me more in the long-term ? better salary, more responsibility, greater variety of work etc?. So off I went at the end of July 2000, 8 weeks pregnant into a hot, sweaty London and my wonderful new job. Only it wasn?t so wonderful after all. They had seen me coming ? the company was after someone to take control of their planning workload, and had decided to make the role sound more glamorous than it was. I hated every minute I was in the poky office and resigned after 6 weeks.
So there I was ? unemployed, poor (thank God for dh?s job in IT) and happily pregnant. I had resigned with the full support of dh. His stance was ?We?re going to have to survive on one income sooner or later, so why not get used to it!?. I spent the next 6 months living a life of leisure, watching Richard & Judy, going shopping for baby bits, cooking wonderful meals, planning the future?..it was soooo relaxing and made for a great pregnancy. I did however, always have that niggling thoughts in my mind ?Why have I done this? Isn?t it a waste? Will I ever be able to work again? Do I want to return to planning??
Dd arrived at 3.04am on 18 February, exactly 2 weeks early. And she was beautiful, everything I had expected. There was one problem though ? she had been distressed during the birth (I had meconium in my waters) and subsequently she did not want to feed at all for the first 24 hours of her life. She had her stomach cleaned out twice and was still refusing to feed from me, so was given a bottle ? I didn?t want her to starve! Over the next day she developed jaundice and had to be hooked up to a bili blanket. I had also been moved into a ward with 3 foreign woman all with babies out of the neo-natal unit who didn?t speak a word of English. I didn?t dare to ask to be moved as the maternity unit was under real pressure ? there had been a baby boom in Bedford! We stayed in for nearly a week and the feeding situation did not improve. Dd was however, drinking expressed milk whilst we persevered with the breastfeeding. Back at home dd continued to fuss over feeding. The day after we left hospital the midwife came to see us ? not my midwife as she was on holiday, but a very brusque lady who was determined to get dd breastfeeding. And guess what she did and it felt great. But come 5pm when she wanted to feed again, could I get her to do it? Could I heck! I spent 90 minutes trying to feed her, most of it crying in despair. I finally gave up, after much persuasion from dh and he gave dd a bottle of expressed milk. I was mortified. Whilst he was feeding her, I went to the bathroom and passed an enormous blood clot. This of course sent me into hysterics. Once dd was in bed, the hospital was called and a midwife despatched to see me. I was told that the clot was probably a reaction to dd feeding properly and was nothing to worry about. I was encouraged to persevere with breastfeeding, and told to try nipple shields. I had tried these in hospital with little success, and had been told by the first visiting midwife to throw them away. I was getting so much conflicted information that I wanted to scream. I don?t remember much about the next few days, apart from my own midwife coming to see me and telling me to do want I felt was right and not to put myself under so much pressure. At the end of the day dd was getting my milk, though not yet from me, but this was better than nothing. Dh stayed at home with me for the next week, and I managed to get dd to breastfeed using the nipple shields, whilst trying her directly on the breast at every feed. She was a very fussy feeder and feeding times were a dreaded event, particularly at night as she refused to come anywhere near my breast.
Looking back I don?t really remember much about the first six weeks of dd life, except a lot of tears, not eating regularly (learning the art of eating Cheddars with one hand whilst holding a sleeping baby), a lot of anxiety on the part of dh and him coming home from work a lot. I didn?t go out to get help at any time, because I felt so ashamed that I couldn?t breast feed properly. In the end I confided to dh that I thought I might be ill ? in other words be post natally depressed. A visit from the health visitor and the doing of that feelings test confirmed that I was showing all the signs of PND. After a long discussion with the HV we decided that it was linked to the feeding and I decided to admit defeat and change to bottle feeding. The change in me, dd & the whole atmosphere in our house was remarkable. I was still very tearful and angry at myself for failing dd, but things were slowly improving. I should mention at this point that I wanted to get dd into Gina Ford?s routines and had made some progress ? I don?t think this had not been the reason for the feeding problems as I hadn?t really followed the routines. However, the bottle fed dd settled into them very well and was sleeping through the night in her own room by 8 weeks, and went straight through from 12 weeks! It was once that our lives settled down that I became lonely. My confidence had taken a real knocking over the last year ? jobs, breastfeeding ? and I had somehow lost my outgoing nature and get up and go. I felt very self conscious for some reason. Around 5 months after she was born, I decided to get some information about local mother & baby groups. I contacted the NCT who gave me the number of the local contact. I rang her and left a message on her answer phone. I also posted messages on various websites looking for other mums in Bedford. I made contact with one lady and even went to visit her with dh ? she decided to be very sicky (her reflux problem used to be an issue, but isn?t anymore!) all afternoon. She puked all over my skirt & shirt as well as this lady?s furniture. I was so embarrassed that I didn?t contact her again! A few weeks after contacting the NCT I still hadn?t heard anything so called the main helpline again to check I had contacted the right person. They were very short with me and gave me another number to try. A very officious woman answered and gave me details of the Bumps & Babes group, plus the area contact for coffee mornings. The group ran between 1.15 & 3.15 pm, right when dd was having her afternoon nap! So that was that!
We all went on holiday at the end of August to a lovely cottage in the Lake District. It was great to get away from home and spend some quality time together as a family. Dd had a wonderful time, especially when we took her swimming! I decided whilst I was away that I would make a real effort to get out and about when we got home. I knew that this would be good for both me and dd. A few weeks previously I had been on the net and set up a babysitting circle for Bedford. I had not had any responses, but decided this would be a good place to set about meeting new people. Within 2 weeks of coming back from holiday I got some interest. Another mum in Bedford contacted me about joining the circle and invited me to meet her at the NCT Sitters & Crawlers session. Even though I interrupted dd?s lunchtime nap I went along and had a great time. Even though my new friend did not join the babysitting circle, I continued to attend the group. It has been my lifeline ? I have met loads of new people and some of us now go to another playgroup on a Tuesday morning. Dd has a wonderful time and it has not affected her routine at all ? she still sleeps through the night and is a very content baby.
I have now reached a point in my life where I am happy again. I am about to start a course with the Open University, with the long-term goal of completing a degree in European Studies and thus facilitating a change in career. I am a member of the NCT and am about to take over as area contact for my part of the North Beds branch with a friend. I have no current plans to return to work and am even thinking seriously about having another baby for the first time since dd was born. I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter how is about to celebrate her first birthday, live a lovely house (shame about the neighbours, a story for another time!) and have a very supportive family. What could be better? Thank you for listening.
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Other subjects
Just want to get this all out......Sorry!
13 replies
amymum · 30/01/2002 22:45
OP posts:
sobernow ·
30/01/2002 22:58
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.