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Just want to get this all out......Sorry!

13 replies

amymum · 30/01/2002 22:45

This is probably going to be the longest message ever posted on Mumsnet, but I really feel the need to just let this all out. Maybe I think that you are all great listeners, so here goes.

I found out I was pregnant about a week after I excepted a job offer in London in July 2000. I was working as a town planner in Bedford (where I live) and was very unhappy in my job. Unlike my colleagues, I felt there was more to life than work and did not spend every waking moment at the office. Because of this certain people did not feel that I pulled my weight, yet I never got any complaints about the quality of my work! My boss was very surprised when I resigned ? the management had me down as a woman with no ambition who would eventually leave to have children. He tried to get me to stay by offering promotion and more money, only 3 months after my annual review had said I needed to concentrate my attention to weaker areas of my work! I had a tough decision to make ? start my new job knowing I was pregnant and deal with it later, or subject myself to more misery in my current job and decide on my options later. I went for the London job as I felt it offered me more in the long-term ? better salary, more responsibility, greater variety of work etc?. So off I went at the end of July 2000, 8 weeks pregnant into a hot, sweaty London and my wonderful new job. Only it wasn?t so wonderful after all. They had seen me coming ? the company was after someone to take control of their planning workload, and had decided to make the role sound more glamorous than it was. I hated every minute I was in the poky office and resigned after 6 weeks.

So there I was ? unemployed, poor (thank God for dh?s job in IT) and happily pregnant. I had resigned with the full support of dh. His stance was ?We?re going to have to survive on one income sooner or later, so why not get used to it!?. I spent the next 6 months living a life of leisure, watching Richard & Judy, going shopping for baby bits, cooking wonderful meals, planning the future?..it was soooo relaxing and made for a great pregnancy. I did however, always have that niggling thoughts in my mind ?Why have I done this? Isn?t it a waste? Will I ever be able to work again? Do I want to return to planning??

Dd arrived at 3.04am on 18 February, exactly 2 weeks early. And she was beautiful, everything I had expected. There was one problem though ? she had been distressed during the birth (I had meconium in my waters) and subsequently she did not want to feed at all for the first 24 hours of her life. She had her stomach cleaned out twice and was still refusing to feed from me, so was given a bottle ? I didn?t want her to starve! Over the next day she developed jaundice and had to be hooked up to a bili blanket. I had also been moved into a ward with 3 foreign woman all with babies out of the neo-natal unit who didn?t speak a word of English. I didn?t dare to ask to be moved as the maternity unit was under real pressure ? there had been a baby boom in Bedford! We stayed in for nearly a week and the feeding situation did not improve. Dd was however, drinking expressed milk whilst we persevered with the breastfeeding. Back at home dd continued to fuss over feeding. The day after we left hospital the midwife came to see us ? not my midwife as she was on holiday, but a very brusque lady who was determined to get dd breastfeeding. And guess what she did and it felt great. But come 5pm when she wanted to feed again, could I get her to do it? Could I heck! I spent 90 minutes trying to feed her, most of it crying in despair. I finally gave up, after much persuasion from dh and he gave dd a bottle of expressed milk. I was mortified. Whilst he was feeding her, I went to the bathroom and passed an enormous blood clot. This of course sent me into hysterics. Once dd was in bed, the hospital was called and a midwife despatched to see me. I was told that the clot was probably a reaction to dd feeding properly and was nothing to worry about. I was encouraged to persevere with breastfeeding, and told to try nipple shields. I had tried these in hospital with little success, and had been told by the first visiting midwife to throw them away. I was getting so much conflicted information that I wanted to scream. I don?t remember much about the next few days, apart from my own midwife coming to see me and telling me to do want I felt was right and not to put myself under so much pressure. At the end of the day dd was getting my milk, though not yet from me, but this was better than nothing. Dh stayed at home with me for the next week, and I managed to get dd to breastfeed using the nipple shields, whilst trying her directly on the breast at every feed. She was a very fussy feeder and feeding times were a dreaded event, particularly at night as she refused to come anywhere near my breast.

Looking back I don?t really remember much about the first six weeks of dd life, except a lot of tears, not eating regularly (learning the art of eating Cheddars with one hand whilst holding a sleeping baby), a lot of anxiety on the part of dh and him coming home from work a lot. I didn?t go out to get help at any time, because I felt so ashamed that I couldn?t breast feed properly. In the end I confided to dh that I thought I might be ill ? in other words be post natally depressed. A visit from the health visitor and the doing of that feelings test confirmed that I was showing all the signs of PND. After a long discussion with the HV we decided that it was linked to the feeding and I decided to admit defeat and change to bottle feeding. The change in me, dd & the whole atmosphere in our house was remarkable. I was still very tearful and angry at myself for failing dd, but things were slowly improving. I should mention at this point that I wanted to get dd into Gina Ford?s routines and had made some progress ? I don?t think this had not been the reason for the feeding problems as I hadn?t really followed the routines. However, the bottle fed dd settled into them very well and was sleeping through the night in her own room by 8 weeks, and went straight through from 12 weeks! It was once that our lives settled down that I became lonely. My confidence had taken a real knocking over the last year ? jobs, breastfeeding ? and I had somehow lost my outgoing nature and get up and go. I felt very self conscious for some reason. Around 5 months after she was born, I decided to get some information about local mother & baby groups. I contacted the NCT who gave me the number of the local contact. I rang her and left a message on her answer phone. I also posted messages on various websites looking for other mums in Bedford. I made contact with one lady and even went to visit her with dh ? she decided to be very sicky (her reflux problem used to be an issue, but isn?t anymore!) all afternoon. She puked all over my skirt & shirt as well as this lady?s furniture. I was so embarrassed that I didn?t contact her again! A few weeks after contacting the NCT I still hadn?t heard anything so called the main helpline again to check I had contacted the right person. They were very short with me and gave me another number to try. A very officious woman answered and gave me details of the Bumps & Babes group, plus the area contact for coffee mornings. The group ran between 1.15 & 3.15 pm, right when dd was having her afternoon nap! So that was that!

We all went on holiday at the end of August to a lovely cottage in the Lake District. It was great to get away from home and spend some quality time together as a family. Dd had a wonderful time, especially when we took her swimming! I decided whilst I was away that I would make a real effort to get out and about when we got home. I knew that this would be good for both me and dd. A few weeks previously I had been on the net and set up a babysitting circle for Bedford. I had not had any responses, but decided this would be a good place to set about meeting new people. Within 2 weeks of coming back from holiday I got some interest. Another mum in Bedford contacted me about joining the circle and invited me to meet her at the NCT Sitters & Crawlers session. Even though I interrupted dd?s lunchtime nap I went along and had a great time. Even though my new friend did not join the babysitting circle, I continued to attend the group. It has been my lifeline ? I have met loads of new people and some of us now go to another playgroup on a Tuesday morning. Dd has a wonderful time and it has not affected her routine at all ? she still sleeps through the night and is a very content baby.

I have now reached a point in my life where I am happy again. I am about to start a course with the Open University, with the long-term goal of completing a degree in European Studies and thus facilitating a change in career. I am a member of the NCT and am about to take over as area contact for my part of the North Beds branch with a friend. I have no current plans to return to work and am even thinking seriously about having another baby for the first time since dd was born. I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter how is about to celebrate her first birthday, live a lovely house (shame about the neighbours, a story for another time!) and have a very supportive family. What could be better? Thank you for listening.

OP posts:
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Lill · 30/01/2002 22:56

So glad this story had a happy ending. I am sorry for you that your initial experiences of parenting were spoilt by the lack of consistant targeted support, despite your own efforts to find it.
If anything I think this story highlights the training needs of health professionals. It is staggering how little time is spent on breastfeeding during their training. We have to rely on the competent few who look for the up to date research themselves and dont recycle the useless 'old wives tales'.

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sobernow · 30/01/2002 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viv · 31/01/2002 09:15

I'm so glad things are working out for you now Amymum, good luck with whatever you decide to do.

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ImogenW · 31/01/2002 10:58

Good Luck

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emmagee · 31/01/2002 11:11

Anymum, it sounds as though you have really found your feet and are gaining in confidence and relaxing into your role as a Mum which is great. It never fails to amaze me how little support there is for women with breastfeeding difficulties, but it's good that your main midwife had the attitude of 'do whatever's right for you'.

I have just one other thing to say, and I don't want to get hammered for it so please take this in the spirit it is intended - that of support - and that is this. At a time when what you desperately needed was the support and company of other new Mums, you turned down the opportunity of a group because it conflicted with the schedule laid out by Gina Ford, and this is one of my gripes with her rigidity. As you discovered later on, you could go out at a designated nap time and still have a contented baby...how many other messages have we had on this board about how difficult it is to go to mother and baby groups because so many conflict with the timings set out in the book.

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salalex · 31/01/2002 13:06

Hi Anymum, Just wanted to say, in case you were wondering, about breastfeeding if you decide to have another baby. I had a similar nightmare to you with No. 1. A long drawn out labour with forceps delivery and lots of pressure from hospital staff about feeding her and pricking her heel in the night, waking me up to try and feed her. Got home to cracked nipples, feeding nonstop but baby not putting on weight. Not latching on properly. gave her bottle plus breast from 3 months and gave up completely after 6. So some success, but not much! Felt quite low about it. Along comes no. 2,got her latched on properly It was easier for me to put her under my arm when we were just starting off. I fed her until she was 14 months, and she put on 17ozs in one week! Just to say, because it all went wrong with your first, don't get worked up about it second time round. Good luck.

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lulu40 · 31/01/2002 13:59

Anymum I have just read your post and it really touched me. I'm so glad you are happy now and that things worked out for you. I had no intention of breastfeeding as the video shown at my parentcraft class put me right off, cracked nipples etc etc but ended up doing just that (breastfeeding/no cracked nipples) but I really do think there is too much pressure on us to do it - what ever works for you should be what all midwives say not try and ram breastfeeding down your throat - good luck with your second if you go that way and have a good life xx

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chiara71 · 31/01/2002 14:21

Amymum your post really moved me (I just about managed to push back those tears...is evryone else so sensitive since having children or is it just me?), I too had a bit of a nightmare with breastfeeding and if I did continue was only because of the words of my midwife which stuck with me long after she wasn't visiting anymore. I realise now I was really lucky to have such a good midwife.
I wish you lots of luck with your new (baby) project when you decide to go ahead.

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Rhiannon · 31/01/2002 19:17

Glad the NCT came up trumps in the end. Unfortunately as everyone at every branch is a volunteer sometimes you'll come across someone who has lost interest and won't be very helpful. Lovely to hear that you'll soon be supporting others through the NCT too. R

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Jbr · 31/01/2002 21:24

What could be better?

A job. I don't see how in your first job they could have complained if you were doing your designated hours.

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callie · 31/01/2002 21:28

Well done Amymum!!
That first year is hard and you will notice a real turning point in the second yr. Glad to hear you have made some friends with babies to. That is half the battle having friends to share the highs and lows with.
Congrats again! A lovely story.

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Pupuce · 31/01/2002 22:24

Jbr... there you are... they are looking for you in the "Missing person" thread- talking about you today...

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debster · 01/02/2002 20:10

Amymum your message really struck a chord with me. I had a terrible time trying to breastfeed my ds. He was also born early and developed jaundice to the extent that he had to lie inside a photo-therapy unit for 24 hours. Because he had no energy when he was born he couldn't or wouldn't breastfeed and so I expressed my milk faithfully every 4 hours on Daisy the cow (as the machine was called). This despite the midwife who delivered him grabbing my breast and literally trying to stuff it in his mouth. I felt extremely violated having just given birth. We also stayed in hospital for a week - one of the worst experiences of my life. When we returned home I just couldn't get the hang of feeding so started using breast shields. You know the sombrero type. This actually worked quite well as I think ds thought they were a bottle teat. This made me feel marginaly better. By this time ds was having a bottle just before we went to bed and it meant he slept through the night from a very early age. Anyway - i'm rambling now but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in how you felt.

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