lonely since having children

[bin]

anyone out there feel the same? Old friends and good work colleagues are miles away and it's just people I have daily contact with now not the same... they are parents of my childrens friends and not my friends so although we may chat along the school run etc etc it's not the same.

[LisaV]

Yep - you'll find past threads of similar lines here, see Isolation.
I can't write much as I'm expecting a visitor in 5 mins, but just to tell you that I felt exactly the same way that you do now, I still get moments of loneliness every day. I am the only one of my friends to have a child, so I get left out of many things. I don't work and although I try to go to lots of toddler groups, I have yet to find a friend there.

I don't know what to suggest apart from keep trying, keep coming on Mumsnet and say hello to all you meet. I hope that one day I will find a mum who thinks like me and that we can be great friends!

[bin]

Thank you for your response LisaV I was beginning to think I must be the only one. I'll look up isolation.

[LisaV]

Bin - how are you? Did you find the isolation thread? Was it any help? Let us know how you are getting on.

[robinw]

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[emsiewill]

Grrrrrr just lost my long and poignant message. Anyway, the main thrust of my argument was the question - how do you find these "supportive friends" that people are always citing? I live 200 miles away from family, and many miles away from (once close, but mainly childless) college friends. I'm settled where I live now, and have made friends through Mother & Toddler groups & (to a lesser extent) through work (yes, I'm one of those evil working mothers, too cowardly to post on that thread, though!). The friendships never seem to be more than superficial, though. I'm very paranoid about becoming one of the "clingons" as described in the thread started by Janus. Everyone here was born and bred here, have family close at hand and friends that they've known forever. In my paranoid state, I always imagine that they feel sorry for me and think of me as "poor Emma, she hasn't got anyone, so we'd better be nice to her". All in my mind, you may say, but I'd really love to find a friend with whom I could form a mutually supportive friendship, so it wouldn't be all one way. At the moment, if I need a babysitter, I have to ask one of the friends. They have family coming out of their ears, so I can't return the favour. I also have no chance to meet people "at the school gates" as my dd gets the school bus, it's very convenient, but not good for getting a feel for the place and the parents. I feel I've started to waffle, so I think I'll leave it here. Thanks for listening!

[SueDonim]

Emsiewill, I'm not sure of the age of your children but have you tried NCT coffee groups? Or if you want to meet people outwith the baby/ child circle, there's an organisation called National Women's Register . It's basically a discussion group but not high-powered. I've belonged to groups for over 15 years and have made some great friendships. Some have lunch groups, book groups and so on. Each one is different, so you never know your luck.

[robinw]

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[MadMaz]

Emsiewell I can sympathise. I can only say I am so grateful to have made one really good mate since we became mums 4 days apart! We are in a similar boat (not from the area, we have no relatives nearby - she has a fab MIL though unlike me). There are people I have met at the school I would like to get to know better but some of them have busy lives and lots of rellies and like you, you don't want to butt in ! On the other hand you want to be choosy too, finding a friend who your partner likes, your kids like and vice versa of course, not to mention do you have similar views on child rearing (for babysitting purposes etc). BC (before child) the main criteria for friendship was liking the same bands, not being a teetotaller and being available on a Saturday night. Now with responsibilities I have become more fussy!
If you have the opportunity to join any interest-based clubs, you would at least have something in common. I know how you feel about "owing" on the babysitting front. I "owe" our friend sitting because sleepovers are always at her house (due to her having a younger one and the kids are into the routine etc). This does lead to guilty feeling but all I can do is offer from time to time, take flowers occasionally, whatever.

[ChanelNo5]

bin - I'm in a similar boat to you. We moved up here a year ago, so I didn't know anyone or the area etc. I got talking to people through the children, either mothers of the friends my kids made or just other mothers (and fathers) waiting outside the school. I soon got to know the ones with the same mentality as me (God help them!) and now really get on well with them, whereas some of the others I just make polite conversation with. Also, I'm lucky in that some of my immediate neighbours have kids the same age as mine and are a good laugh too. Please don't despair or give-up trying to find friends, the more people you talk to, the more chance there will be of finding someone you really get on with. I know sometimes you get stick of being the bubbly, chirpy one who always makes the first move, but atleast no-one can accuse you of not trying. Good Luck!

[jodee]

I feel much the same - I've got friends at work, married and single, but they have no kids. So the weeks when I'm at home with ds I go to Tumbletots, Mums and Tots 2 days a week, but have yet to make a firm friend. Lots of friendly chat and I don't feel like such an outsider or the 'new' Mum any more (at Mums and Tots) but it would be so nice to have someone to go around the shops/park/have a coffee with.
I went to Bluewater yesterday with dh - it was nice to spend time on our own, it very rarely happens these days - but I found myself feeling very envious of all the friends out pushing their buggies together.

[rooty]

I had my baby 6 weeks ago and I have to say that the lonlieness described kicked in when I was pregnant. None of my friends have kids yet and I felt I wasn't being asked to go on drinking nights out anymore seeing as I usually refused. Now I have my baby people have kind of got in contact again but I find its my older more mature friends who've had their fill of pubbing and clubbing who've been there for me. My boyfriend and I have a mutual group of friends and he's kind of been left out of the loop too. I'm lucky though to have sisters who live relatively near and they've been fantastic so I can't complain.

[LisaV]

I can add to that! I only have one friend who has kids, I very rarely see her anyway and now she's set to move hundreds of miles away!
I understand where you are coming from Rooty, when I was pregnant I felt I wasn't welcomed anymore. I found it difficult to give up drinking, yet dh had no problems in drinking in front of me and every Saturday night he went out with "our" friends and came back drunk - talk about rubbing salt in! When I did venture out with him I felt that I was an inconvenience, I had to go to pubs that weren't smokey where I could find a seat - pretty hard on a Saturday night! I felt so lonely and part of that is why I had such bad depression.

Now I find I still get left out of things. I am thirty in a few weeks and a lot of our friends are also 30 this year. It was my idea to have a collective celebration, I thought we could have a banquet in a castle and stay overnight, do something special. But they all want to book a cottage in Scotland for a week - all very well but I can hardly take dd when they will all be smoking and getting pissed (some pulling too) and I can't leave her with anyone for a week, so we just can't go. That makes me feel bad. Also none of them offer to babysit so me and dh hardly ever get to go out by ourselves.

I go to mums and tots once a week, to storytime at the library, to NCT coffee mornings every month and I'm about to go to TumbleTots but I have yet to find a like-minded friend. Aren't there just days when you wish you could go round to a friends for a cup of tea? It's bloody miserable and depressing being a mum sometimes! But she's worth it!

[Hilary]

We moved here eighteen months ago and I have really worked hard at making friends, going to everything and getting involved in things. It has paid off in that I am not lonely in a many ways. My advice, really, is to persevere, go to things, mums and tots, library story times, playgroups, local play areas, antenatals, even doctors waiting rooms etc. Become a recognisable face at things and people will eventually talk to you. My tip was to go to things slightly early so that I could get talking to people before too many had other people to talk to! I am lucky really in that I actually like many of the mums of children my sons like...
The way in which I AM lonely is that I haven't got a really close friend, nobody who is really like me who I can be really close to. I miss that.
The thing is though, we are likely to move on in the foreseeable future so I will have to do it all over again...

[bin]

LisaV I've found the isolation thread but not had chance to read it I must print it out I guess. Good to see so many responses here and in the isolation thread even if I am still alone. thanks again for responding to this one as every time I checked and no-one responded I began to feel like the only one - little did I know!

[bin]

Sorry me again! Should have read more of the messages but thought dc (darling children) would be needing me in a min. Trouble I have found with groups is yes at least you get to have a few words in passing but as some of you have said I don't have a local friend/s anymore where we can have a good natter now and again. Also I've found some people quite fickle chat to you til they find out about you then go back to their own pals and feel like an intruder or find that our dc will be at different schools so maybe that makes them feel like it's not worth getting too friendly.

[Rhiannon]

bin, with the NCT they actually make up coffee groups of 5 or 6 people so you can meet in your own homes. Everyone joins for the same reason, that they want to meet new friends. Speak to the postnatal coordinator (Bumps and Babes organiser) for your area. Tell her how much you want to meet new friends and ask what goes on in your area. Find out who has kids the same age as yours and join the committee! It's great fun but do persevere. R

[Lindy]

Absolutely agree with Hilary & others who have made this point - it is essential to get out & about,join in as much as you can and offer (if you can)to take on voluntary jobs, positions on committees (boring, I know, but you do meet more people this way .. you may not like them all but ..!,)also, always remember that the church gives a very warm and genuine welcome and there are many different ones out there.

When we moved to the countryside we too knew no-one and were 100s of miles from family & friends, I was not working so could not make friends that way - my baby was born just a few months after we got here & there was a serious medical problem & he need a major operation in a few months time. The support & concern that I was shown was wonderful, there was no time/energy for 'superficial' type friendships - it made me realise just how much people do care and I have made so many friends who are really wonderful.

Not quite the way I would want to recommend for making friends (!) perhaps the fact that I was so vulnerable made it easier, but I absolutely agree that you must put any shyness/hesitation away and do your best to get out and meet people. I now have a very wide circle of friends from all walks of life and three or four exceptionally good, close ones.

In fact I am now so busy that I really look forward to the odd morning in on my own!

Good luck.

[IDismyname]

I met several of what I call my closest friends through the NCT; by sheer default ( a long story) I ended up a the local NCT tea afternoon which was specifically for new members or those new to the area.
As we were all there because we were new, lonely etc, the atmosphere was even more open and friendly, as we all knew we wanted to meet new friends.
Our local branch organise these new members things every quarter.
I remember coming home that afternoon - (having been in the area about 18 months and without any good friends) thinking "Yes, I feel that I've made progress".
I haven't looked back.
If your local NCT doesn't have one of these regularly, perhaps you could offer to organise one - then you'll have to get stuck in!

[AnnieMo]

I would agree with fms - When I had my first child I had previously worked full time since moving to a new area and so knew noone when I stopped working. I joined the NCT and made great friends through their ante natal classes and subsequent coffees. My oldest son is now 12 and some of us from the NCT still meet up - there are a group of five couples who meet for a pot luck every few months.

[Hilary]

I agree with Lindy in that the church have been very supportive of our family. There are not many with children, especially young children but a few. Also, through the church, I go to a home group, did a Lent course last year and helped on the Alpha course. These groups are brilliant because we talk without children present which is wonderful for me. We also talk about intelligent issues, not just how many teeth our children have and at what age they got them...They understand and are thoughtful of my situation at home with the children even though they are not there themselves. It is healthy for me not to just be friends with people because of the age/playgroup of our children but because of our faith and outlook too.

[beebs]

bin

I can only reiterate what everyone has said - get out there and put yourself about.

I don't agree that you should be too choosy in making "mumsy" friends - take the initiative and ask anyone remotely pleasant for coffee and see what develops. Offer to look after their children for dentist's appointments etc.

I have found very different friends from the ones I had (and still have) when I was young, free and single, but that does not mean they are inferior. Sharing the frustrations and delights (not too mention the hard graft) of motherhood does create a bond with the right person, that I can't imagine will ever be broken.

If you are religious or undecided and in a country area, do go to church. I'm not and I don't but I can see how quickly people who do go to church make friends and get into the community.

Good luck

[Lindy]

Another point I would add about making new friends is to be very open-minded & not automatically assume that you need to meet someone 'just like you' - one of the closest friendships I have made in the last few months is with a girl 14 years younger than myself - we have many differences: she completed her family at 28 - I had my first baby at 42! Her eldest is at school, she has one toddler at home; my DS is 10 months - she is fiercely ambitious, has several part-time jobs and is looking forward to resuming her career, I like to consider myself 'retired' from the workforce now! She is fit, active & trendy - I am frumpy & lumpy !! I haven't a clue what she is talking about when she mentions the latest music, bands etc. But we have become firm friends, always happy to help each other out with childminding, coffee/teas (& wine!)several times a week, chatting on the phone or e-mailing most days. I like to think we can bring different experiences and opinions to the friendship.

Sorry this has turned into a ramble but just trying to make the point that if you take the time to get to know someone, even if you think you won't get on initially, you may be pleasantly surprised.

Would also echo Hilary's point - essential to have friends without babies/children the same age - there are many other things to talk about in life.

[callie]

Lindy Iam sure your putting your self down too much when you describe yourself as dumpy.
I think you sound like a wonderful friend and mother and a person who is easy to talk too.
Mabey your more trendy than you think.
BTW Iam 28 with a toddler and a child in school. Are you sure we don't know each other? LOL

[Lindy]

Hi Callie - thanks, you have brightened my morning!

[LisaV]

I agree Lindy that it is important to have friends without children, but I have friends who fit this bill and none with children! I have attempted to establish friendships on various occasions, one friend used to pop round to my house or take me to hers once a fortnight, but then she left her husband and I haven't heard from her since. I have sent her a birthday day and phoned her, but I don't want to push it if she doesn't want to know.

I think it's important to have friends with kids as you can then talk about your concerns, worries and triumphs with them. One of the reasons I like Mumsnet so much is that I can do all of this, it helps me to remember that I am normal and my child is normal - even if she does attempt to fish her poo out of the bowl or eat her own clothes. Friends without kids don't want to hear any of this, which just adds to your feeling of isolation as you are aware that you are different to them now.

But I do agree that you should keep trying. If Bin is still reading these posts I think that's once piece of advice everyone has given and I really hope it works for you. I start a new toddler group tomorrow so maybe my new-found friend is there, if not I'll just have to look elsewhere!