Merry Christmas?? Happy New Year??

[JacquiKD]

I just need to off-load myself - has anyone has as bad a Christmas and New Year as myself.

I have posted a message under Health under "Helping my Mum".

My mum is having a nervous breakdown - this started just before Christmas.

I have three children - new baby of 8 weeks and am due back to work shortly. My mum has always looked after my children for me and said she would look after the new baby. Even now she says she will be fine to look after them, but she is not and I have told her that even though she says she will be fine I need to see it for myself and am not seeing it at the moment.

My elder daughter and son can go to Breakfast Club before school and nursery and my daughter can also go to the after school club.

I only work two days a week so at least I will be with them three working days a week.

I have booked my new born into a private nursery which looks lovely but none of my babies have ever gone to a nursery before, although I am sure she will be fine.

Christmas Day, I had my nan and aunt in tears most of the day about my mum (we all spent Christmas at my mum's house) - my mum, nan, aunt, brother, my husband, me and my three children.

New Years Eve - my husband decided he wants us to split up (I have also posted under Relationships - Should I stay or should I go?) It now seems I have to go.

I spent all of New Years Day in tears and most of last week also. I had so many friends phoning to see how Christmas was and to wish me a Happy New Year. I couldn't just make out everything was fine and kept ending up crying on the phone to them.

Sunday night, I seemed to have cried myself dry and was able to talk to my husband. We have both decided we do want to be together, and are willing to go to Relate. We have a long way to go but I hope we will get there.

Before my mum became poorly, I booked my new born baby's Christening.

My mum has a large 5 bedroomed house and when I booked the christening she said she would:-

• pay for the caterers to come in and do the food.
  
• pay for the dress.
  
• pay for the cake.
  
• buy the wine and beer.
  
• hold the party at her house.
  
  Because of how she now is, I am having to do the food myself (with the help of about 5 friends), pay for the dress (bargain I found on the Internet), order the cake from Sainsburys and pay for it, my husband is going to France to buy the wine and beer and we are now holding the party at our 3 bedroomed house. I have invited 49 adults and 29 children and how they are all going to fit in, I have no idea.
  
  When I had my son christened, it was Summer and I ordered a bouncy castle for the garden for the children.
  
  Because this christening is at the end of this month, I can't order a bouncy castle for the garden as it will be so cold.
  
  If we were holding the party at my mums, it wouldn't be so much of a problem because she has got the room and I don't want to cancel the christening until the summer as the dress may no longer fit, and all the invites, etc. have gone out.
  
  If I had to deal with any one of the four:-
  
  
• my mum being poorly
  
• my husband deciding he wants to split up
  
• havingto try and find child care
  
• organising a christening
  
  it wouldn't be a problem, but it seems that everything seems to go wrong at once.
  
  I am sure none of you have had as bad a Christmas and New Year as me, but it felt good to put this all down.
  
  Thanks for listening.
  
  Jacqui

[Zoe]

JacquiKD - I was just reading your thread about your mum thinking what a tough time you were having and then I read that all this was going on too! You poor thing, you must be feeling pretty fed up to say the least. On the plus side, you seem to have resolved things with your husband and you're not just letting it lie but acting really positively with the Relate. Also, as far as the Christening goes, I'm sure that it will be great fun with all the people there - people enjoy a good crowded party.

On the other thread, someone suggested that you might find some kind of counselling helpful, and reading all this other stuff that has gone on makes me think that this might be something to think about. Obviously, Relate is counselling in itself, but you might benefit from some time for you. Good BACGP - registered counsellors will be in the Yellow Pages, or maybe your GP or Health Visitor will be able to help.

Very best of luck with everything - do keep us posted on your progress

[Rhiannon]

Oh dear, so sorry to read all this. IMO the first thing you definitely need to do is put the Christening on hold. You do not sound emotionally well enough to deal with all of this at the moment. Make a few calls and ask relatives to phone each other. Don't worry about the dress, I'm sure it could be altered to fit in some way later on. You do not have to make up excuses to anyone.

In the other part of your message when you say 'I will have to go', please do not leave your home unless circumstances become intolerable. If your husband wants you to split then finding a new home for himself would be his problem. Sorry if this sounds callous. Good Luck. R.

[jasper]

Jacqui,cancel the christening!
So sorry to hear you are having a bad time.
I had a horrid Christmas but it was for health things that should pass when the baby is born.
Came home from work tonight and cried my eyes out into the mince and tatties as I was in so much pain! And we had a guest for dinner!!! Fortunately a very good pal...
Can you afford to take longer unpaid maternity leave until your mum gets a bit better or alternative childcare arrangements can be made?
Good luck

[robinw]

message withdrawn

[Marina]

So sorry to read what an appalling time you are having, Jacqui, you don't deserve all of this.
Talk to the priest. Have your baby baptised - stuff the rest of it. Her godparents will understand. It does not have to be a lavish occasion, truly.
My own mum dealt with a lot of family depressive illness and eventually, after being strong and supportive to parent and siblings as you have been, she went the Kia route, for the sake of her children mainly. I only found out about all of this as an adult, so being strong for your children is just one of your achievements, and boy will they thank you for it later in life, you are a star mum.
And stay put in that house, as Rhiannon says. Let him find a nice little bedsit if life with you is not tolerable.
A virtual hug and hopes that things will get gradually sorted for you in 2002.
My son has been in daycare from a young age and loves it, always has done. I know how you are feeling re nursery, believe me.

[winnie]

JacquiKD, I don't think I've anything to say that hasn't already been said. Put yourself first for once and do what is best for you and as has been said before DON'T MOVE OUT!

The childcare situation is hard but you've done the hardest thing and solved the logistics of it, it is just getting past that first day. They don't remmeber, you do. You can do this.

As for the christening, when we got married we had an enormous amount of people in a very small space and it was great. Everybody had a fabulous time and can I say, if people don't like it they really shouldn't be there! (Who needs friends like that?)

As for your mothers illness. My father has had clinical depression for thirty years. It may come to a point that whatever you do will never be enough and therefore you have to think about your own (and your childrens) sanity and let the professionals take over. On a more positive note, as many threads on this site indicate, with the right treatment people can getover/learn how to deal with depression, and it need not be a life sentence.

good luck and best wishes, let us know how things are, Winnie

[JacquiKD]

Thanks for all your advice.

I understand what everyone is saying about cancelling the christening, but I am going to go ahead with it - it is one that I can organise and be in control of. I love big social events. I don't mind how much of a mess my house gets into while the christening party is going on - I can always spend the following week tidying up.

Thank you all for reading my message and taking the time and effort to post your comments.

I really appreciate it.

Jacqui