DS aged 4 really demanding. Is this an 'only' thing?
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(23 Posts)
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Hi, I'm feeling a bit miserable tonight after a generally crap day, and would appreciate a bit of advice.
DS was four last month went to bed in tears because I finally lost my temper and refused to read to him at bedtime after he told me I was 'not a nice mummy' because I refused to play yet another game with him. This after a whole day of me almost constantly entertaining & playing with him & listening to him.
He has always been a bit clingy as a toddler but as he's grown it seems that he cannot entertain himself
at all and it is really starting to get to me. From the time he gets up he expects me or DH to play games constantly with him & goes into a huff if we say no.
He talks incessantly, and I mean really non-stop so that if I'm not actually playing with him he'll hover near me & I'm constantly expected to listen to him and answer questions. I usually feel mentally exhausted by the time he goes to bed because I feel like I've been talked 'at' all day.
The minute I leave the room, even when I've told him I'm going to the loo or something, he shouts 'Mummy, where are you?' & comes looking for me. He hates it when I try to do housework or talk on the phone. Even if DH & I try to talk to each other, even just a few sentences, he constantly butts in or does something to get attention back to himself. He even wants one of us to sit with him when he's just watching TV.
Today I've tried to to be patient, but it's just so full-on all the time I feel stressed & irritable and so I snapped at him when he said I was not nice.
I know little children are demanding...it's their job
but surely this level of attention seeking is a bit much at this age? Is it because he's an 'only' and so has probably always had attention? I just have no idea how to go about dealing with it without feeling like I'm rejecting him.
I forgot to say that dh uses the kitchen timer for this so when it rings ds can still sometimes protest if is really enjoying what he is playing with us but not really very much any more. Also if the playing is going really well we do sometimes set the timer for another 5 mins so that the ending isn't so abrupt.
You could be writing about my ds. (4.9yrs)
What dh does and it is surprisingly successful is divide the day into slots. He calls it playtime/worktime and sets the timer for say 20-40 mins of play then 20-40 min of work. Dh decides on the slot length
ds and dh are at home for day or part of a day that is how they spend the time.
Ds can choose to help with the work or play on his own during work time. If dh needs to do computer stuff that ds can't help with then ds has to play on his own. Also ds is allowed to choose TV or computer time as a playtime (only once in any particular period) but if it is playtime then he can ask dh to sit with him (he doesn't much any more)
DS complained A LOT when dh first introduced it but now ds often asks "are we doing play time/work time time?" when we are at home.
I personally hate doing it it as it is so regimented but I have to admit that it does work to make ds less demanding.
Have DS now 6 who was a little bit like that too - it is hard work when they dont want you having time to yourself..
It will pass though! Having other Mums and children round always helps...
DS used to require someone to play trains with him endlessly -and I used to HATE playing with his train set -and I wanst very good at. DS realised I was no good and stopped asking me, in fat banned me from playing with them. I also used to get him to
hhelp with the cleaning. A bit of bribery never goes amiss.A couple of nursery sessions helps. The thing is - the stage will pass in time and as someone else said - school will sort it out and then you might miss him! Good luck!
Just pondering a bit more about it, I was thinking that it might help him to know that there was a definite beginning time and a definite ending time to when he was spending his time alone / mummy was having her time.
I would be tempted to make (or print off from internet) a large clock and put movable hands on it (using a brass tack thingy in the middle) and put the hands at the end time (eg. time alone time is 11-11:20, I would put hands at 11:20 so he could know that when the clocks hands were in the same position as 'his' clock, then that would be time to play together. Not looking to make him an early clock watcher, (though 'tis a good possibility for a bit of informal teaching - just the vocab of time telling) but I thought a visual representation of his time might help.
Perhaps it all feels a bit contrived, but it might be a good beginning point. He can help make the clock, writing in the numbers (or colouring them in) decorating with glitter, etc.).
Don't beat yourself up - you are loving him! As mothers I think it is sometimes hard to get beyond this gut emotional response to this being that was once a part of us. Not that the emotional response is bad - just that it can sometimes prevent us seeing the long view!
Thank you all for your helpful replies. They have really helped me to get things into perspective a bit more, and given me lots of ideas for activities!
Now I think about it more,I do think he is ready for proper school, he asked me to teach him to read this morning & is so inquisitive about everything...how things work, what words mean, etc.
navelgazer is absolutely right, I think i always have bent over backwards for him since a baby. I had very bad post-natal depression and for a while I didn't cope well with him, and I think I still have some guilt over that now...so maybe I find it hard to say 'no' because it reminds me of when I 'rejected' him in the past, and I'm trying to make up for it by always doing what he wants, even though logically I know he needs boundaries & limits.
jennifersofia, I like the idea of setting him some 'time alone' sessions each day & sticking with it. Sounds like a good starting point, I will try that.
Dh & I both had a little talk to him this morning about how mummy and daddy need to have some time to themselves each day to do things we need/want to do, and so we can't play with him all the time but that we still want to play with him some of the time. It was just a casual talk, no heavy stuff but it did not go down well & we had tears....big sad sobbing, anyone would think we'd said we were sending him to an orphanage!
But we did keep reminding him during the day 'remember what we said this morning about giving mummy time to do her things?' etc and then I'd try to distance myself for about 10 mins and not respond to him. I think it may help in the long run.
My eldest is similar. We found audio books very helpful at this stage, and also playing mild computer games like poissonrouge (google it) good.
But, to be honest, I think you need to be tough and say no. Make a few rules (4x a day you will play on your own for 15 min or whatever) and explain them to him, structure it (in morning I will listen to a tape and look at pictures in a book, in afternoon I will build a castle for daddy to see and mummy will take a picture when I am done which I can put on my wall) if you need to, and then hold firm! It will be hard but it could have a good payback that will serve him and you.
Might be good to plan it with your dh, maybe around a thurs/fri and then sat and sun so you have a bit of support, and also so he knows that he needs to do this with you, and also when it is the two of you. I would also consider making him a little chart so he can see his successes, maybe with a little prize at the end (if I manage to do it for a week then I can have an extra long play at the playground etc).
When he keeps coming to you and demanding you to play, just keep reminding him that this is 'mummy's time' and refuse to engage him more, even if you end up saying that 25 times for the first couple of sessions. It might seem mean, but really, truly, it is not.
You sound like you bend over backwards for him actually and you may have set up a bit of a precedent for him (but maybe not, maybe he would have been like that anyway.) Just a hunch - do you find it hard to say no to him because you are worried he is missing out because he is an only child? I have been like this in the past and the combination of playing with DD all the time (because she is an only child) and loathing it, and feeling guilty when I didn't (because she is an 'only child') would sometimes lead to me blowing my top like you did.
DD was EXACTLY as you described at 4. Now at 6 she can be reasoned with more though still quite demanding of our time. I have over the years toughed it out a bit. We all need a bit of 'bored' time to activate our creative energies. I have also weedled my way out of 'imaginary' play over time. She will now do imaginary play with her teddies, friends or DH.
I think the key here is that you feel mean saying no ... and he knows it! You just have to be tough and say no, he needs to play on his own for a bit while you get some jobs doen.
He will strop about it for sure, but if you persist and don't give in, he will eventually get it. Ignore him or even use consequences/naughty step (whatever it is you use) if he gets physical or shouty.
Don't feel bad, you need some time to get things done and it's good for him to play on his own for a while. He can do it ... as you say, he's fine at preschool.
Sounds like four year-old-ready-to-go-to-school-itis.
Nothing to do with being an only,ds was the same.He has a sib.He is a Nov birthday so was really ready for school.
I would also second some of choosy floosys ideas.
(Going downstirs in sleeping bag gave him loads of entertainment)
Sending him out in garden dressed as a knight to kill imaginary dragons in the bushes.
Pretend jousting
Tape Merlin off the tv,lol.
It will get better!
Well, OK, so you play Ivanhoe... your way. Lady Rowena says 'Oh Ivanhoe you are a one... I want to go and make a batch of muffins in the castle kitchen, how about you? You'll need to watch out or you'll get sugar all over your armour' etc. Also fun, i.e. infuriating for your son
i shouldn't enjoy that so much, should i.
A few challenges? I get ds to run round the block and 'time' him doing it (= 3 mins 47 secs with my cup of coffee), hopping the length of the garden in under 30 secs etc. He also likes going round the room without touching the floor, 'sledging' down the stairs on his duvet etc. At least I don't actually have to participate in these.
I'm sure you do all this sort of stuff... I do know that stifled feeling, it's not great at the time. Hope you've enjoyed a break this evening.
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